I had a friend that used to tag all his dating profiles, “If you’re here to change me then I’m probably not the man for you.”
He was surprisingly robust in the self-development department in that he literally underwent absolutely no self-development whatsoever. Pete was a Narcissist, you see. He had been told all his life that because he was ADHD he couldn’t hold down a real job for more than two minutes. I’ll agree with that, the way he was at the time of my knowing him; I couldn’t see him in any job whatsoever. He just wanted to remain the same and god help anyone that tried to tell him different.
His girlfriends were the same. Pete liked to date younger women because young girls weren’t fully interested in changing Pete, they were too busy idolizing him because he had his own flat and could do what he liked whenever he wanted. If you asked Pete how his life was, he would have said he was living the high life, and I, I was selling my soul for a 9-5 job that sucked the fun out of life whatsoever.
Pete died in the end. Yeah, I think it was some sort of drug overdose; but if there was one thing I learned from Pete it was that staying the same never does you any good.
Would you believe at one point in my life I was swaying with the BNP?! If you aren’t familiar with the BNP they are a super far-right British Nationalist Party that supports the deportation of immigrants in a Hitleresque display of white-nationalism. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve never been a nationalist. Neither have I been anti-immigration.
Truth is, I’ve worked with so many diverse and amazing people from different countries in my life. I supported the BNP because of their views on education. It was my wife that showed me sense. I couldn’t pick and choose. If I wanted the education then I’d have to comply with all the Nazi-like ideology from a far-right group. That just wasn’t me.
Once, as a boy, I grabbed a girl’s breast. I had liked her for a long time, and you know, it was there. You see, I was never the best communicator with women. Having Asperger’s meant that I had a hard time internalizing my own feelings, never mind learning to recognize anyone else’s. Anyway, that girl pulled her hand back as far as it could go and she thrust her fist into my nose with the strength of a thousand suns and nearly knocked me out cold. I’m grateful to her; I never put my hands on anyone after that.
Then there was the time I thought I was amazing in bed. I thought the mere sight of my amazing manhood would send women into a dizzy swirl. I was lucky enough to be born with a good looking face and an enjoyment of sports to keep my body slim, and toned, and with meat in all the right places. Yet it was again my wife that brought me down crashing to earth with a bump.
The first few weeks of sex just weren’t working it for her. My old worn out moves just didn’t cut it for her and she had to re-educate me on the whole deal. I learned a lot from that. Turns out I learned that other women just didn’t want to hurt my ego. To be fair, I’d much rather have been told to my face than spent an endless sex life of mediocrity. I have screaming orgasms now, but only because I’m open to suggestion.
Sometimes I’m too open to suggestion, or at least I was. It took a long time before I learned to trust my own decision making. If I don’t like the sound of something then no matter how many ways you slide it to me it’s just not going to happen.
I’ve been lead into some disastrous situations by my friends in the past. “Just come for one pint,” they said, “we’ll only be out for one,” they said, and yet after a slew of alcoholic beverages and perhaps one too many social slip-ups, I’d be raring to go the following day. Sometimes there just comes a time when you have to say no, you know?
And yet all these crazy decisions, all these bad life choices that I made, they eventually all ended up being helpful choices. Why? Because I learned from them. I learned a great deal from them.
I’ll never ever support white nationalists for any reason, I don’t touch women without consent, I highly enjoy my sex life, and I decide who gets to influence me and who doesn’t. Every move, every bad experience, every negative emotion was a hard lesson in life. If I hadn’t had experienced any of those, well maybe I would be prone to these mistakes now? Better making them whilst I was younger rather than older that’s for sure.
I’m not saying I’m perfect now of course. I’m still making mistakes, but I’m still changing with the lessons that these mistakes have given me.
Change is good.
Change is inevitable. Stop fighting it.
Like Pete did.
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