He was asked a tough question, but his answer was simple. Here’s why he’ll never pay for sex.
___
As a man, there are certain questions that you will be asked. Who is your favorite sports team? What historical person would you like to have a steak with? And have you ever paid for it? Now, the first time I was asked that question, I was hanging with the guys over some cheap beer talking about girls. When the question was posed, everyone had different answers, but when it was my turn, I simply said no. It was a no brainer.
When I think about sex, I like to look at it being a mutual act. Two people getting together because they dig each other, like each other, or love each other. But for me, it has never been about me paying her. One of the reasons I have not been with a prostitute is because I never thought the women enjoyed it. I mean think about it: No woman wakes up and says, “Yeah! I can’t wait to turn some tricks and give some blow jobs to pay these bills!” I want the woman to be with me because she wants to, not because of how much I am paying her. Plus, who wants to be the fifth person she has been with that day? I have always thought of prostitutes and sex workers being emotionally damaged people that need help, and me being a patron, I would only be hurting them even more. And of course, the risks of contracting diseases goes without saying. But with all that being said, some men still don’t see it that way.
A young girl dressed in a Catholic school uniform who had to be no more than 14, got out and started walking toward the sex workers and my mouth just dropped. I couldn’t believe it and still don’t believe it.
|
In every man’s life, the game gets slow. There is a lull in dates. You can’t get a girl’s number. Your charm falls flat. Your presence does not light up the room. Women don’t check for you like you used to. In other words, you are invisible. So you start to doubt yourself, wonder what went wrong. You need something to get you back on, a slump buster. Now some guys will troll the clubs like a catfish, scraping at the bottom, trying to get anything that they can possibly take home, or they hire a working girl. Not too long ago, I was having this discussion with a friend, trying to talk him out of paying for sex. I would say, “Dude, we are way too fly for that to be buying it.” But he would try and counter with “Dude, your gonna end up paying for it anyway with dinner, drinks, and presents, so why not just cut to the chase and pay her?” But it is different. I feel that when a guy gets into the habit of paying for sex, it can do something to you. A voice in the back of your mind says you can’t get any better than a prostitute. You can only have sex if you are paying someone for it. It starts to fuck with your mind. Your self esteem lowers. You can end up being a trick.
Years back, I moved to San Diego for school. And like anyone under 21 looking to party and drink, I made a trip to Tijuana. Being in TJ was unlike anything I had seen at that time. Culture, excitement, energy was abound and I found myself walking around taking everything in. Well, in my ignorance of TJ, I walked to “The Stroll” or where all the prostitutes were. It must have been a block and a half long of women just standing around waiting for a customer. Now that didn’t phase me, because when I lived in Kansas City, I knew where the sex workers hung out. What I seen next, nothing could prepare me. While walking “The Stroll,” an old station wagon filled with a family pulled up for less than a minute. A young girl dressed in a Catholic school uniform who had to be no more than 14, got out and started walking toward the sex workers and my mouth just dropped. I couldn’t believe it and still don’t believe it. A girl barely old enough to be in high-school was working the streets. There are some things in life you will never forget, and for me that was one of them.
When I think about why I don’t pay for sex, I can list all of these reasons and many more. But for me, every time I see a prostitute walk the streets, set up in a whore-house, or see an ad online, I think about that little girl. How every woman at one point in their life was that little girl. And if I did, I couldn’t live with myself.
Favorite sports team is The San Francisco 49ers and favorite historical person is Malcolm X.
____
The role of men is changing in the 21st century. Want to keep up? Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
Photo credit: Getty Images
I completely agree with your statement, altogether witnessing that experience would also make me feel very uneasy. However, at times when I watch porn, I’m getting in this feeling of wanting that experience myself. At times, I want to be with my favorite cornstar or even a prostitute. Then I keep telling myself, it’s still not right. I don’t want to pay for sex, I want to earn it when it’s free. That being said, I’m still looking for that special someone in my life, and of course when the time is right, and she really likes me a lot… Read more »
I’ve never paid for sex (and never will) but have also never had sex, kissed a woman, held hands, etc. There is no chance I’ll ever experience these things because as a fundamentally unattractive man, no woman could ever be interested in me. Asking a woman out / expressing interest in her would be offensive by default, so there is no point in trying.
So… you can have sex with an emotionally damaged female with an STD if (a) she’s your wife, (b) she’s your girlfriend, (c) she’s a FWB, (d) she’s a one night stand after dinner and a movie but not if you just pay a woman cash for an hour or so of her time. Not buying it. All men above are paying for sex in one form or another, except perhaps the FWB scenario. Very few women opt in to FWB arrangement, and usually only with a higher-value male they realize they probably could not “get” otherwise. In all of… Read more »
It’s interesting that so many people have this idea that prostitutes must be disease ridden. I’ve met more non sex workers who don’t use condoms than actual sex workers, in fact sex workers are absolutely paranoid about getting a disease and are VERY vigilant about condoms and protection. There’s a lot of misconceptions about people who work in the sex industry in this day and age. Sure, there are damaged women…but they exist within relationships and regular jobs as well. Most people have some damage that’s been done to them as a result of emotional abuse in families or relationships,… Read more »
Yeah, I kinda reeled when I got to the “emotionally damaged” part. As if there’s never been an “un-damaged” person who finds him/herself in an undesirable situation to pay rent or put food on the table. And as you say, there are some women who choose to be sex workers in some capacities, and dismissing them out of hand as inevitably damaged and diseased seems wrong to me. Especially given the fact that the author has never actually known one. I’m not sure what my answer would/or should be. I do not consider the performers in pornography to be “sex… Read more »
Lucinda and D,
Thank you for reading the piece. Question, do you think an emotionally healthy person would choose this kind of sex work or any sex work at all?
Based on some conversations I’ve had with sex workers, the answer would be yes. There are quite a few sex workers who choose the job for the same reason men become garbage collectors, energy exploration workers, etc. They do it because it pays well relative to their skill set. I’ve met a few who’ve claimed to be saving for college. I can’t say that’s true, but I’ve read that in many articles as well. Not every sex worker everywhere must be lying. Still, that’s why a lot of men become soldiers, for the opportunity of a better life. That’s what… Read more »
Yes, of course such people exist. In my opinion, anyone who thinks otherwise, does not fully understand prostitution – wit the key word being “fully”. Many street prostitutes are indeed emotionally unhealthy. Hope you’re not using this fact for your implication for cause and effect. There is also the pervasive morality of it all, though many can cast that away like they cast off religion. It can be done. A more interesting question to me is the one asking can an emotionally healthy person possess damaging biases and beliefs while still being a good person? I also believe this to… Read more »
I’ve read/watched/listened to accounts of women who became escorts, dominatrices, “sugar babies” and porn actresses, and in each category you can find individuals who seem to be well-adjusted, utterly normal people. Perhaps not common, but I don’t doubt that they exist.
Great read LeRon! I wish more men would approach and see prostitution the way you do. I see it in a similar fashion. I would never pay for sex. Nor would I ever want to have sex with a woman who really did not want to enthusiastically have sex with me. I am not going to judge the men who do pay for sex. I have experienced the intense craving for intimacy and sex even within a marriage only to be rejected. I was able to cope without seeing a sex worker or cheating on my then wife. Yes, it… Read more »
Thank you for your comment!