Why I Forgive My X-Husbands for Their Violations

The first one had a full blown midlife crisis complete with the much younger woman and 5 years of lying, but without the red sports car.

The second one was a cheap, selfish, stoned twelve hours a day dude who didn’t believe in working or helping out at home but did have a penchant for sexually-trafficked prostitutes as a way to assure himself that he could stave off death.

Sheesh, I knew how to pick them.

But I played a part too. I still held on to my undeserving, unloveable beliefs, which matched me with unavailable and ungenerous partners. I had had an abusive father and was still working it out.

Besides, I was too focused on working and caring for the kids and my feminist assumptions about relationships, to see what was happening.

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It is a whole lot easier to forgive now that I am firmly in my 60’s.

After 25 years of silence, my first x-husband and I spent about a year unwinding what went down all those years before. The conversation began with my email to him apologizing for my way of pushing him away. He got to apologize and release his guilt and shame that he stated he felt daily for all those years. I got to ask questions and feel heard for the anguish I experienced. We healed and let go.

It took about two years of emailing back and forth but I now feel complete. I still have a box of relationship paraphernalia- love letters, photos, cards, wedding momentos including a huppah quilted by mom from squares that our friends created. I have the thought that one day I will go through that box with him, and we will honor what was, let go of what was not, and then burn all of it in a loving ritual.

I no longer think of him as a bad dude. I think he messed up and is human. And that we went on to have the lives that fit us better. That is the forgiveness.

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I kicked my second x-partner out of the house 3.5 years ago. I wasn’t thrilled about the sexual damage he had done but that wasn’t the reason. We had an agreement that we made over 3 months of couples therapy and he completely defiled that. I could not trust or respect him.

I turned that violation into release and freedom.

And its been the best time of my life. The happiest. The most grateful. The most forgiving.

Everything I do brings me joy.

I have a new home that I love.

I have new friends and can be as socialable as I want again.

I have met the most wonderful men dating, have made some great dates turned friends, and have had two wonderful healing relationships, with a burgeoning one on the horizon.

I love knowing there are good, considerate, generous, loving men out there. Men who struggle with what it means to be a nurturing man, an emotionally available man, a man who brings his whole self to a relationship. Men who have been a bit beaten up by life, now that they are older and wiser, and who use those life lessons to be kinder and gentler.

I feel like my second X released me from a life of ambivalence, where I couldn’t quite leave but nor could I rest and stay. I thank him for making it easy for me to decide to take the risk and go for it: a life where I am happy, having the best sex ever, where I am finally fully deserving of love, and am truly open.

When I left him, I almost immediately felt infused with forgiveness for him. I stopped seeing all his restricting, tight ways and saw the goodness in him too. That is the real perc of forgiveness: letting go of our own stuckness and opening up to love.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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