Here’s a way to get what you want in the bedroom without fear of rejection.
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To be truly intimate and connected with another human being requires both parties to risk being vulnerable and honest within their communications with each other. Unfortunately, achieving these requisites can be difficult for most people by the very nature of causing one to feel “naked” or exposed to potential judgement. Apparently our egos don’t relish walking around naked as much as our bodies do.
This makes achieving deep, connecting intimacy (whether emotional or physical) seem like such serious business and hard work. The fact is, by simply allowing yourselves to be playful, you can easily and so naturally achieve the connection you both seek. And for my partner and I this started when we decided to give our some of our body parts their own names…
A Vagina by Any Other Name
After my partner and I started being intimate, like so many couples at that stage, we shared what attracted us to the other. For her it was my body scent (no, really –but in a good way). She is very affected by smell and apparently mine was something that immediately caught her attention. So with this in mind one night when we were just playing around, I pretended to be Pepe’ le Pew, smarmy French accent and all. Well, she absolutely loved that and off course that meant she was Penelope, the white-striped feline who was forever Pepe’s poursuite de l’amour. And that’s how it started.
The idea of naming our various body parts came naturally after that. Given that I am clinically impotent I wanted to name my penis something strong and virile, so I chose “Steve”. In case you are wondering why “Steve”, it all has to do with a very funny indie film called “The Tao of Steve” where the protagonist was quite the lady killer as he channeled the very cool Tao of Steve McQueen. Then naturally we had to find a suitable name for my partner’s vagina and she chose “Velvet” (I *love* that name!).
It didn’t stop there. My partner’s breasts needed names too otherwise they may forever suffer the fate of existential angst. So now every morning we wake up together I give “Patty” and “Petunia” a little kiss and nibble each to start their day with a smile. And just recently, my partner decided that my balls needed names to so she came up with “Randy” and “Ralph”. Hey, the fact that she felt so compelled to name them works wonders for me.
Obviously, we have a lot of fun with this and it allows us fertile ground in which to be very playful with each other. Then we discovered that there was something else going on that went beyond just being lighthearted. Something within this whole process of “naming” actually facilitated our desire to be completely vulnerable and honest with each other.
Body Parts Have Feelings Too
What we began to notice over time is that by naming our body parts, they took on their own personalities, complete with their own likes, dislikes and moods. In essence, our naming process effectively anthropomorphized them to become expressive avatars for what each of us was authentically feeling. For example, sometimes my partner would say that “Velvet” is just feeling a bit tired and not ready for full physical intimacy. Or I would say how “Steve” loved what my partner did with her tongue and so on.
We discovered that referring to our intimate parts in third person takes the pressure out of stating something that might otherwise create a bit of stress if you like certain things in certain way. Sexual preferences are unique to each individual and expressing them directly can sometimes get in the way of enjoying intimacy.
Here’s an example of how we communicate our desires without attachment to the ego “I”. It’s much easier to for my partner to say “Patty and Petunia miss you a lot” when she gives me that look, then there is: “Velvet wants to have a talk with Steve”, as supposed to saying, “I’d like this” or “I wish that”, “I’d love to ….”
By allowing our respective body parts to do the “talking” for us, it freed each of us up to be fully vulnerable and honest with the other but in a way that is not so scary. It can be very hard for intimate partners to express what they really are feeling out of fear of rejection or hurting the other. Using this very playful and endearing way to communicate we remain authentic and true to each other and with less concern for any sting to the ego that may otherwise result in being so honest.
Deep, connecting intimacy with another human being is by definition a wonderful, incredible adventure. And being an adventure means you will always have ups and downs and are never quite sure what’s around the next corner. By being playful in this way you may find, as we have, that it makes your journey together that much more fun and fulfilling.
(Author’s Note: if you and your partner have pet names for each other’s body parts please share them here in the comments!)
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