Finding a way to make your dating experiences more satisfying isn’t always easy—but it’s worth the effort.
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I’m not attracted to women my own age! Sound familiar?
I’ve heard this uttered by guys in their 40s and up for years.
Men—you’re probably nodding your head in agreement. Not all—but quite a few!
Women—most likely you’re shaking yours with aggravation, frustration and resignation. You’ve experienced this way too often. Guys wanting younger women.
I know the above statement doesn’t represent the feelings or attitudes of all men or reflect the experiences of every woman.
I certainly could claim guys who don’t or won’t date women their own age are either:
- ignorant
- chauvinistic
- narrow-minded
- insecure
- immature
- need the validation of a younger woman
The list is virtually endless and correct in lots of instances. But there are other factors to consider. More on this in a moment.
If we are going to scratch the surface of the cultural/dating minefield then we must be open and willing to say what we think.
… guys who won’t date based solely on age are missing out on some potentially wonderful and rewarding relationships.
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No one has to agree with us, but it’s the only way to create real dialog and effect substantive change.
Wouldn’t it be great if this article starts you on the road to more enjoyable dating!
First, I state unequivocally that guys who won’t date based solely on age are missing out on some potentially wonderful and rewarding relationships.
Want a little light reading?
You can find enough articles on ‘dating over ’40’ to keep you occupied, off the streets and not dating for the rest of your life. Google just returned 89,000,000 results in 0.28 seconds.
So why spend time on yet another post on dating? They all provide contradictory opinions and advice—way too much—and most of it useless!
To quote Seinfeld’s Elaine, “Yada, Yada, Yada!”
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How often are you left feeling—sometimes I think dating simply isn’t worth the stress and effort.
I socialize in groups frequently and date formally to a much lesser degree.
As a Baby Boomer (well over 40) I decided to write this article to open a meaningful dialog—not just create another dating fluff piece.
Single and over forty presents its own unique challenges. Whether from newly single to never been married everyone’s experiences and frame of reference are different.
Single and over forty presents its own unique challenges.
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Allow me to share my own from years and years—heck let me just say from more years than I care to think about.
There are lots of fascinating potential partners in the world yet I’ve frequently found women my age jaded. Certainly understandable, but frustrating nonetheless.
Ladies hold on, you’ll have your turn in a minute.
In my case many of the women I encounter seem to be lacking in humor and that certain excitement about life that I find so enthralling, nourishing and satisfying. Understandable—sure, appealing absolutely not.
No offense is intended by this statement—it’s simply a reflection of my personal experiences—and I know I am making huge generalizations! Please don’t hang me in effigy.
On the rare occasion I meet a woman that is smart, animated, engaging and with whom I share some chemistry it’s a delightful surprise. Yet I know there are lots of intriguing, interesting, alluring and vital females around.
I’m sure many women readers who have been frustrated countless times can relate to the pleasant surprise of meeting a bright, kind and attractive guy with a great sense of humor.
When you’ve been unhappily dating for years it’s natural to exhibit your dissatisfaction in a way that conveys your many disappointments.
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It just doesn’t happen all that often!
When you’ve been unhappily dating for years it’s natural to exhibit your dissatisfaction in a way that conveys your many disappointments. You approach dates with what I call ‘hopeful anticipatory negativity.’
You’re hoping to have a good time yet deep down expecting to be let down again.
Dating and potential or eventual mating is what we do. Without it society would shrivel up and die. It should and can be incredibly enjoyable and rewarding, yet it’s often frustrating and excruciating. It doesn’t have to be that way.
When we anticipate disappointment we project negativity.
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It’s not the chronological age that most affects our attraction — it’s all about outlook and frame of mind.
And yes, there are some other factors as well! Now down to the nitty gritty.
If I’m honest (and I suspect I’ll take some heat from male readers) I really do understand where women are coming from.
It’s not the chronological age that most affects our attraction — it’s all about outlook and frame of mind.
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Lots of guys are just plain yawn-inspiring. They’d rather sit at a bar with their buddies, drink beer and watch a ball game. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s a personal choice.
Many of them are nice guys but open dialog, self-insight and communication of feelings aren’t part of their make-up. That’s the way they were raised. It’s a cultural thing.
However, if I were a woman they certainly wouldn’t interest me.
I’m no intellectual snob but I like to think my primary social circle is a fairly interesting one—we converse about politics, religion, global warming, poverty, the negative impact of the No Child Left Behind Act and a litany of fascinating topics.
We talk about women and watch sports too! Or is it the other way around?
Yet many of my friends don’t have a great history with relationships either. So yes I get it, I know how women feel.
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Despite all I’ve stated above there are many interesting, bright, engaging, talented and nice guys who are desperately seeking rewarding relationships. They are dissatisfied and want more from the opposite sex whether simply friendship or a deeper commitment.
There are so many great women and men looking to meet amiable, honest, interesting and sincere companions—yet it doesn’t happen often enough. Why not?
Somewhere there’s a disconnect. What’s going on?
It’s time to stop griping and look inward. Start by pondering personal desires, wishes and fulfillment.
As a life coach I always raise a few initial thought-provoking questions. Many of them are part of Mind Acrobatics™ exercises. These are critical to finding and attracting partners of any age.
- What is my greatest quality?
- How lucky would someone be to go out with me!
- What’s my greatest passion?
- What were the best relationships of my life and what made them so great?
- What if anything is working best right now in my socializing and dating?
- What do I find most satisfying?
- What makes me laugh?
- What’s the most important quality I want in a partner?
- How much excitement do I bring to relationships?
As we look at ourselves and begin to understand and clarify what it is we’re really seeking greater opportunities for engaging in fulfilling interactions present themselves.
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Guys, we’ve got to keep more open minds.
I’ve always maintained and still do that physical attraction is important. I believe there needs to be chemistry. It’s the same for women as well. But for most of us physical attraction is relative.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but most of us don’t resemble George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman or Mila Kunis. So what. It is what it is!
The qualities that go into creating a great chemical reaction/attraction are as different and unique as each person’s DNA.
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Holding out for what we’ve grown up believing is the ultimate ideal can be very lonely!
We were all brought up with certain expectations of what dating is supposed to look and feel like. But it’s time to throw out the rules. They are useless!
The qualities that go into creating a great chemical reaction/attraction are as different and unique as each person’s DNA.
Here’s the most important point.
As you get in touch with your inner-self you’ll be surprised at the way in which beauty often takes on a new dimension and how your potential dating field expands.
All sorts of characteristics you find physically, mentally and spiritually appealing will begin to present themselves.
Adaptation, and flexibility make you more open and approachable. So let’s all get with the program. It doesn’t happen by snapping your fingers. It takes lots of introspection, self-questioning and being open to new ideas, perceptions and perspectives.
Whenever uncovering what lies beneath the surface of our conscious self we discover a wealth of information, insights and interesting directions in which to explore. Then it’s a matter of setting relationship goals and actively pursuing them.
It’s much easier than you think when you know what you want and move forward in a positive frame of mind.
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We project how we are feeling internally when we socialize—so before going out look in the mirror, smile for a minute and give yourself a big hug. It’s well worth the time!
The takeaway from this article is three-fold.
- If you’re dissatisfied with dating do some ‘inside work’ and clarify what qualities bring you the most enjoyment and passion.
- Consider age as merely a construct. A creation of the mind. It’s irrelevant. It’s all about attitude, outlook and excitement.
- Keep an open mind. It’s the one surefire way to begin to experience a new level of interaction, enjoyment and pleasure from the opposite sex.
Finding a way to make your dating experiences more satisfying isn’t always easy — but it’s worth the effort.
Finally, share your opinions about the content of this article. Relate your experiences, challenges, successes or whatever is on your mind.
Let’s be open, honest and courteous in our comments. Clear communication is the cornerstone of all successful relationships. We can learn so much from each other.
And let’s face it — the art of dating needs all the help it can get!
Don’t let this article be just another piece of reading that leaves you flapping in the wind. Use it as a catalyst!
Start the dialog and see where it takes us! I’m ready. Are you?
Before You Give Up On Dating Read This!
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Photo: Getty Images
I can’t find a gal over 35 who isn’t obsessed with traveling, is an adrenaline junkie, looking to sample every penis on the internet post-divorce, or spends 4 hours a day at her yoga studio. I like some of that stuff too, but they’re defined by those things, and frankly, they’re clones. Every dating profile has the same inane “interests” list paired with a ridiculous list of standards for men who would never need to use online dating in the first place. I get it, I’m supposed to be ruggedly handsome, tall, successful in business and personal life, and want… Read more »
I would like to date older women because the ones I’ve met in my early 20’s just come off way too immature for my tastes. And I know that guys can be immature too and I am not perfect either but I definitely see too wide of a maturity gap there which is so bad that I find myself being uninterested dating women of my age most of the time with few very rare exceptionw here and there. At which point we come to an odd situation where younger fellow like myself wants older (maturity) and older folk seek younger… Read more »
Quite a lot of women, whether in their 20’s or 40’s, won’t consider dating a man their own age either. But that’s beside the point. I think that talking/writing in bullet points might be an efficient way to deliver a message, if it’s somewhat concise. Chopping up an article of this lenght in 1-2-sentence paragraphs just made my head feel like, I don’t know, riding with someone driving a stick-shift for the very first time. Never getting some flow or speed, just an endless serie of jerky start-stops. I’m sorry, I guess it comes with your profession. My take is… Read more »
“Quite a lot of women, whether in their 20’s or 40’s, won’t consider dating a man their own age either.” Sure, some women don’t date men their own age. That doesn’t mean that we don’t have a culture of entitlement of men of all ages toward younger women specifically. Women grow up in the same culture men do. A culture that shames and instills fear in women for getting older. A culture that also instills the idea that men get better with age while women get worse. FlyingKal, I am familiar enough with your posts to know that you are… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal, Thanks for your input. In general people don’t want to read long paragraphs. That’s why I keep them fairly short. Also, bullet points are a common way to focus a reader’s attention. That being said, every writer uses their own approach…. but it’s interesting to hear how it impacts you. Thanks. As far as your last statements …”I reason that if I haven’t met anyone thus far with the ability to see me, and not primarily my potential to provide for them, emotionally and physically, chances are I won’t in the future either. I never wanted a “prize”….… Read more »
I’m not over 40, but even when I was 20, I experienced a lot of situations where older men felt entitled to me. Men in general feel entitled to younger women, not because anything women their own age are doing, but because we live in a cultural that loves to create the fantasy that a man is never irrevelant to the world, infact he gets better with age, but women are irrevelant as they age. This is a repeat theme in entertainment. Men want to believe they are better than women as they age. They see the age of a… Read more »
Hi Erin, Your comment that men who hold younger women as the epitome based just don’t have true respect for women is well taken. I’m not sure all men feel entitled to younger women… but certainly we have a culture that promotes this kind of thinking. It permeates the media as you say. I don’t think it’s a matter of men thinking they are better than women as they age. These kind of men just aren’t thinking:) Erin I also agree with your last paragraph but might change the word entitled to desire. Their loss. However, there are lots of… Read more »
Thanks for the response Dave. I certainly agree that not “all” men think how I described. I just personally have experienced alot in regard to the age thing with men. Men closer to my own age rarely seem interested in me, but older men hit on me all the time. I have had several men 60+ ask me for a serious date in my 20s and and early 30s – which is the age I’m now. They reminded me of my grandpa and they seriously thought we would be compatible enough for a date. It makes me feel disrespected and… Read more »
514 – Hi Erin, just saw your comment today. I certainly agree with you about how media represents cultural images. But of course it’s often because that is what resonates with audiences. There’s no question that in our culture many people’s view of sex is quite contrary to others. And of course your point on porn is well taken. It’s also one of the largest industries in the country. However Erin, I understand your frustration with older guys coming on to you. I can’t say what’s appropriate or not. It’s not always about sex. A 60 year old man and… Read more »
I thought I was pretty clear about what was frustrating for me David. I am really tired of men’s entitlement when it comes to women’s ages. Men want to be seen as worthy members of not just soceity, but of love and sex, even as they get older and deny women the same grace for getting older too. After a certain age women are suppose to cease their own desires for love and sex simply because they aren’t young enough to please men anymore. Men that should be hitting on my widowed mother, instead, hit on me. Until men see… Read more »
Hi again Sarah,
I realized after my comment was posted that my 2nd to last paragraph might be misinterpreted. It helps if we are empowered and don’t need a relationship to fulfill us. But it’s certainly great if we are able to find that special someone whose company we enjoy.
I think the key to any strong relationship is not letting yourself get lost in ‘couple-hood’ which is so easy to do. We can enjoy great times together as well as times pursuing our own unique interests.
Thanks again. Dave
Hi Sarah, Basically I agree very much with your 2nd paragraph. It is a challenge. At the same time I believe that if we are empowered as young people and develop interests and hobbies it is easier to find a healthy and rewarding relationship when we are older. And if we are empowered and active that can help keep a relationship alive and thriving. Unfortunately that’s often not the case. While many people fit the profile you described in your 1st paragraph, many don’t. I certainly have encountered what you describe. However I believe there are many interesting people longing… Read more »
The problem is that when many people reach middle age they become incredibly boring. I’m a 48 year old woman so I can attest to this! Men, and women, it’s the same. You talk endlessly about what your kids are doing, you haven’t done anything but “family” vacations for 20 years, you hang out with other couples exactly like yourself, you watch too much TV and blather about political opinions you pick up from facebook posts. Now you’re divorced and guess what, the gard truth is that you bore people. I can confidently tell you that I find maybe 1%… Read more »