Do you ever feel like throwing in the dating towel? David Kanegis has some advice for you.
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You’ve met enough jerks, insensitive guys, dull women or men, or total non-communicators. Perhaps it’s individuals that are not supportive or with whom you share few common interests. Maybe there’s absolutely no chemical attraction! You need this last one, I don’t care what anyone says!
It might be your brain has been fried with mind numbing dates… tolerable, but ultimately insufferable. Or the ones where the person is a complete… pardon the expression, a**hole. I think I can use that term here on the Huffington Post, if not you won’t be reading this line!
If you find yourself nodding your head, rest assured you are not alone. Often, (not always) the older you get the more negative experiences you accumulate and the sense of futility grows and grows. At some point, you might be getting ready to call it a day and simply give up on the rat race of dating.
Wait! Stop! Halt! Don’t toss in your hat just yet. I make very few guarantees, but as they say in advertising “I can virtually guarantee” there is someone out there for you. Perhaps a diamond in the rough, an unexpected stranger, or dare I say it… your mother’s friend’s son (oy vey). It might even be an old pair of shoes that with a good spit polish will dance you off into the sunset.
I’m not making light of the frustrations of dating and finding the right person for the first, second, or third time. Believe me, I write from much experience, not just as a life coach, but as a baby boomer that grew up and burned out on singles dances, vowing never to return. This was before the digital age dawned offering all sorts of new opportunities.
My favorite ex met her husband of 11+ years and two children later, online. Some of the happiest marriages I know of started via the Internet. It really can work when the stars are aligned, you know what to look for and you put yourself in the right frame of mind. Positive!
That being said, I don’t advocate a particular way to find dates — simply that, whatever method you choose to make contact with the opposite sex the key is knowing yourself and then “to thine own self be true!”
Let’s try a quick Mind Acrobatics™ exercise. Although the instructions call for closing your eyes, feel free to keep them open… either way works!
Mind Acrobatics Exercise #1: “What the Heck Do I Really Want?”
Time needed: 10 or 15 minutes.
Materials: Paper, pen, great music, favorite beverage and positive outlook.
Location: Wherever you are most relaxed.
- Play the music you associate with the happiest period in your life.
- Take a sip of your drink.
- Breathe in and out slowly a few times.
- Close your eyes and listen to the music playing.
- With eyes closed begin to imagine the perfect relationship.
- What are the character traits you most desire in the opposite sex?
- List the deal breakers you absolutely won’t accept.
- What strengths and great qualities do you bring to the table?
- What do you enjoy most about dating?
- What’s your biggest turn-on?
- List an actor or anyone you’ve encountered that “personifies” your ideal.
- What is it about them that attracts your interest?
- Recall the best date you ever had.
- Write a paragraph about it with eyes still closed.
- Open your eyes.
Great you’ve just completed a bit of creative visualization. You’ll do more in the future if you really want to transform and supercharge your dating.
In fact, instead of the SOS, you’re going to experience The Thrill Of The Hunt.
How is this going to happen? It’s simple. You’ve already begun to clarify what makes you feel best in a relationship. Soon you’ll transform that knowledge into an action plan that will help you determine the best way to fast forward, and put some fun back into dating.
Everyone wants to give advice about finding Mr. or Ms. right, but often it’s about their concept of what you desire or worse, what they think is best for you!
Don’t listen to others. Learn from your own experiences what works for you.Take control of your life and dating. As is often heard in the background of Adam Sandler movies… “you can do it!”
Mind Acrobatics Exercise #2: “Imagination Time… Let’s Get Crazy!”
Here’s both a physical and mental activity rolled into one. It’s innocent fun.
- Take a leisurely stroll while the weather’s nice.
- Imagine you are walking arm and arm with someone.
- This individual makes you laugh and feel good about yourself.
- Enjoy the outdoors and hold a conversation with that person.
- I mean it. Let go, chat, and imagine the responses you are receiving.
- Put a smile on your face and laugh a little.
- Give that person’s arm an affectionate squeeze.
Sound weird? Worried people will think you’re crazy? Put a Bluetooth or any sort of hearing device in your ear. A benefit of the digital age is you can pretend you’re talking.
- Continue the conversation with your amiable companion.
- After finishing your stroll write down thoughts or associations you had.
Fantastic, once you’ve returned from your pleasant little jaunt or perhaps mini-assignation you will have completed two exercises designed to help you get a clearer picture of what you find most desirable in a relationship.
Do a few more Mind Acrobatics or take any other action that enables you to help crystallize in your mind what you really are looking for in a significant other. E-mail me with the word “date” in the subject line and I’ll be glad to send you another Mind Acrobatics’ exercise.
When you feel you’ve pinpointed what’s really important to you create your action dating plan, adopt a positive attitude and get ready to play. Make dating fun. Recall the old TV show The Dating Game. It was a blast. And remember… “You can do it!”
Whether it’s an introduction from a friend, a dating website or a happenstance meeting in a coffee shop… the more you know about yourself the better your chances of finding a great match.
Enjoy Life… after all what’s the alternative!
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This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post.
Photo credit: Ana C./flickr
Wish I could find an article for men who can’t even manage to actually date.
My major factor in any relationship I am in is to do things that make me a better person…..do things I want that makes me happy. Take classes that deals with areas that I want to learn. In other words, being a self actualized human. The better I become and the happier I am, the higher my sights are in a mate. When I start looking for someone to spend time with, I realize the “now” idea. We have just now..so NOW I am having a good time with someone. If I come to the table with lower self image,… Read more »
No, your article is tripe. Men especially, should ALL give up on women in the Western, modern world. They are FAR more trouble than they are worth and she is in it for herself. You, Mr. author, should be ashamed of yourself for advocating slavery for men.
LOL, nope. I’d rather continue having sexy time with my “RealDoll” (who is hotter than 85-90% of women, btw) rather than risk my car, house, half of my assets, 401k, stuck paying child support and alimony as well as my emotional and psychological well-being just to have a chance to have a relationship with some used-up late 20s or early 30s “reformed” s*ut who basically wants a free meal ticket and a chump to provide her with marriage, children and a house and who will very likely become unattractive and all of so sudden uninterested in sex.
MGTOW
Wow! Thank God not all women have goals of becoming arm decoration for idiots with your mindset, have their own house, car, 401k, and six-figure income. Maybe if you considered dating people for intelligent conversation instead of bra size, you’d have a better opinion of women (and might have more to offer than everything you listed above).
I gave up dating quite a while ago. In my case, I reached a point where I was finding that I only rarely get dates, and it seems the only women I can attract are low-quality women – drug users, alcoholics, crazies, and unemployed/underemployed and single mothers. The common thread that ties such women together is that they don’t really love men, they just want a meal ticket. You might say that my ‘picker’ is off, and that I’m selecting the wrong women. That may well be true, but in a lot of cases it took three or four dates… Read more »
It seems with the last couple of comments from the guys that we are getting a little off track. I sense a lot of anger and possibly hurt feelings for what has transpired in past relationships. My point is if you really know yourself and what you want out of a relationship as well as the qualities that you are looking for in a date or potential mate your chances for success will be greater. Unfortunately not everyone who dates is “personally evolved” and consequently may engage in behavior that doesn’t make for great dating. The key is to know… Read more »
David, most of these men are very depressed — it is evident in their writings. They are not suited for dating or healthy emotional, romantic and sexual relationships. They are narcissistic and self-absorbed, preferring to wallow in self-pity with others like them. They cannot be raised up out of it; they are what they made themselves to be. We can’t right every wrong and we can’t save every soul.
I for one would like to thank all men who hate women for giving up on dating.
In the age of feminism and misandry, you have to be a fool to not give up on dating. I learned the hard way after my sixth attempt at dating and I have come to the conclusion that too many women (especially western women) these days are femi-nazis and I’m tired of their feminist BS. That’s not to say that all women are femi-nazis. There exist a woman who don’t buy this feminist nonsense. Unfortunately, they are few and far between for me and after spending more than a decade of searching for the one in a sea of misandrists… Read more »
That’s pretty harsh.
Well, it is the “game” that women want!
Not harsh at all. We live in a gynocentric, highly misandric society that continually encourages women to hold out for men in the top 20% of the male population (aka hypergamy), discard the rest and then call the rejected men losers for daring to complain about a horribly lopsided situation that totally favours women.
I don’t know how the myth of women holding out for the “top 20%” of men got started, but it is illogical and untrue. In fact, I see the opposite: I see women settling time and again for losers who can’t hold a job, have no intelligence or ambition, who are extremely unattractive. The reality is that many women settle for the bottom 20% – they are bottom feeders because they feel they can’t do any better (“all the good ones are taken,” etc.). They gave up, essentially. I will not debate society favoring women – it does – but… Read more »
Hi again Stephanie, My comment posted before I was done. Once you’ve determined the qualities that you are looking for in a partner, then it’s a matter of finding someone who has those qualities and that you also are attracted to. There are those that might disagree with me and say that one is judging on looks and that is immature, etc. However, I truly believe there has to be a chemical attraction. That doesn’t mean people have to be traditionally beautiful or handsome… like movie actors. Most people are attracted to a wide variety of people based upon lots… Read more »
David, You are spot on here, and I appreciate your view of both sides. As a woman looking and experiencing the dating circuit I my 50’s it is truly frustrating for everyone. I agree fully that after a deep introspective analysis of ourselves, we can then proceed to our next partner. I admit I have experienced some real humdinger dates, but the majority have been very pleasant, some lasting several months although nothing permanent. We all have flaws, scars, and open issues, however, life is shorter than we think. I encourage all to enjoy and engage in their own activities… Read more »
Wow Dave your very kind to have responded with such detail at all. I put off dating like the plague. It’s so hard to keep a positive attitude while actually dating. I can’t seem to find anyone I have any mental or physical attraction too. I may feel differently if I could.
Hi Mickey, one more thing. I don’t get notifications when comments on articles are made which is why I didn’t respond more quickly. You also have the option of making a comment on the article and then shooting me an e-mail to let me know to check the article. Whatever works best for you. Thanks. Dave
And exactly how many rejections/smackdowns must a guy endure before finally throwing in the sponge? One can only hit the wall so many times…
Hi Mickey, I just saw your comment now. There is no easy answer to your question. I think the key is in your use of the term rejection/smackdowns. I’m not sure exactly what you mean by that. It’s one situation if you are in relationships and find they are ending up in what you call rejection/smackdowns… and it is a very different thing if you are referring to making overtures to get dates in the first place and being rejected. A lot has to do with assessing if you are seeking relationships with people that will make healthy partners… and… Read more »
@Dave Kanegis, You know, he asked a good solid question. Your answer doesn’t feel honest and seems to come from a marketing point of view. Why do I feel is it dishonest? Because you took a deflecting approach. You didn’t answer his question straight on and instead you chose to use the typical Internet marketing approach of reframing what he said. It is amazing how you find the key “rejection/smackdown” as such an amazing thing to latch onto. You are aware that using the term is “rejection” is part of our modern day jargon. So how about a straight forward… Read more »
Hi the Other Dude, Just saw your comment today. I’m a life coach. The nature of what I do is to ask questions to help people gain personal insight. At times that involves reframing a statement. It’s not deflecting the question. I would never “list a specific algorithm…” Both because I don’t feel one exists, and because every individual is different. I’m not sure what you mean by an Internet Market approach:) Please feel free to elaborate. The bottom line is that my goal is to help people examine the patterns of their dating life as well as their own… Read more »
So what you’re saying is that you do nothing?
Hi Blake,
What I am saying is that as a life coach I try to help others discover their own personal truths and make their own decisions based upon what they feel is right for them. I hope that clears it up a bit. Thanks. Dave
Giving up on dating is viable. Why doesn’t the expert explore that?
I couldn’t help but notice that my ideal partner must be of the opposite sex! I think not. Perhaps try being a little more inclusive. Just because you are heterosexual does not mean every one else is
Hi Gavin, I’m sorry if the article gave you that impression, it certainly wasn’t my intention. Sometimes when writing articles they may seem to be excluding a particular group. In my case as a coach it’s my intention to be inclusive. So while the article may sound targeted to heterosexual relationships, it is intended tor any relationships. Although Gavin, sometimes the dynamics of “alternative” relationships may be a bit different. Basically human nature is human nature. However at time there are different stressors depending upon the nature of the relationship. I’m sorry if you were offended. That certainly wasn’t my… Read more »
I was not offended Dave. I just thought it should be noted.
Glad you weren’t offended Gavin and I appreciate you expressing your feelings.
I believe it’s important for readers to give article writers feedback. Thanks. Dave
If you are planning on getting married and having kids, it is one of the hoops you will have to jump through. If not, what is the point? You can save a lot of money and/or grief otherwise.