Growing up in the Disney era of Cinderella and The Little Mermaid movies, I’ve had a lot of stories imprinted on me about “finding my prince”. The handsome man who will show up on a white horse and “rescue” me from my Cinderella life.
It was all pretty clearly defined. Be sweet and beautiful. Wait for your man to show up. Then you can begin your life. Life as a Princess. The only thing that Disney didn’t cover is what happens next. What happens after the prince marries the princess and carries her off to his kingdom?
At this point in my life, I’m way beyond “princess” status. I’m officially in my mid-thirties, I’ve earned university degrees, I worked in the corporate world for over a decade, and I definitively know what I want for my future. I’ve begun to view myself as a Queen. But somewhere along the way, I’ve realized I’m still influenced by the early imprinting of this “Prince” scenario. I’m no longer a Princess waiting to be saved, so why am I looking at dating like I’m Cinderella mopping floors and waiting to be invited to the ball?
What Disney Didn’t Tell Me
Reflecting on what I truly want in a partner made me realize that I’m looking for a King. A man who wants to build an empire with me. Someone who is capable, solid, respectful, encouraging, patient, measured in their thoughts and actions but knows when to step up to the plate. I am looking for a man who is my equal. And that also means I have to behave as a Queen. Not as a Princess. I can’t continue thinking that a Prince Charming will swoop in if that’s not truly what I want. If I want a King for a partner, I have to think and act like the type of partner I want to attract. I need to have that energy radiating from me.
How the Princess Fantasy Played out for Me
The Princess scenario is one that I deeply bought into as a result of a conservative upbringing. I left topics like finances and future planning off the table for years without seriously contemplating it. I had this fantasy that my future decisions would be made with a partner. What was the point of deciding these things now if Prince Charming hadn’t shown up yet? Well ladies, the result of that is a deep sense of wanting to move forward and being stuck at the same time. Stuck waiting for a fantasy that hadn’t happened for me, only to realize later that I never wanted it in the first place.
How did I realize these things? By kissing a lot of frogs and dating a lot of “Prince Charmings”. I allowed myself to be wooed by men who were financially stable and deeply interested in putting a ring on it. But the catch is that after I agreed to be in a relationship with these men, the “charming” was thrown to the side and I was left with a Prince who wanted to carry me off to HIS kingdom, and HIS future, and HIS plans without asking me if I wanted those things too. I wasn’t making plans and decisions WITH these men. I was just playing the “Princess” role in a world they were creating for themselves and needed a Princess partner to fit into. It never occurred to me that playing out the Princess fantasy led to me downplaying my own goals and my own fierce independence. I was secretly wanting to be a Queen and selecting partners who weren’t interested in building an empire with me.
Don’t Confuse a King
Do I still want to be taken out on a date and have a man buy me dinner? Yes! Do I still want to be charmed and wooed by a man? Yes! Do I still want to make my future plans and financial decisions with a partner? Yes!
The catch is that I am now looking for an equal. I want to find someone who is not only secure about me reaching for my own goals, but they support that and cheer me on. My dreams and desires are just as important to them as their own. They aren’t living in a fantasy and they aren’t asking me to just fill a “role”. I am looking for that King who isn’t intimidated by other’s success, who knows where he stands, who can build, merge, and grow empires. Who will sit across from me and will be unafraid to connect in a mental, physical, and emotional way.
To be a Queen, I must focus on building my own empire. I know my King is out there.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash
