“Would I have it in me to be the kind of mother that didn’t degrade or diminish his masculinity, but teach him that it can be a powerful tool for positivity, change and equality?”
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We were sitting in the waiting room, my pregnant stomach protruding and sweat from another episode of morning sickness still framing my brow. It was the big appointment, when we’d learn the sex of our growing potato or summer squash or whatever size our tiny surprise was, and we were nervous and excited and anxious.
“I hope it’s a boy”, my wide-eyed and already proud partner whispered.
Before I could ask why, we were called into the doctor’s office and delivered the news.
We were, in fact, having a son.
My partner was thrilled, already planning father and son trips to the ballpark or football stadium or fish-filled rivers. I could sense a palpable comfort, knowing he felt relieved that he wouldn’t be raising a girl. His son wouldn’t face blatant sex discrimination or stomach-turning rape statistics or have the majority of society tell him his worth is based solely on his looks.
My partner was grateful we were having a boy.
I was terrified.
Men being nervous about having a daughter is considered normal. We’ve somehow come to the conclusion that raising a man is easier than raising a woman; less pressure and less responsibility and less evils to worry about and, therefore, protect them from. We don’t worry about our sons’ safety as much as we worry about our daughters’.
But I didn’t feel this palpable comfort.
I felt an overwhelming sense of liability for the growing potatoes or summer squashes in other women’s bellies, who were girls. I felt an obligation to the parents who were just as nervous and excited and anxious as we were, learning that they were having a daughter and immediately feeling that small yet powerful tinge of terrified worry.
I knew it would be my parenting style and my consistent example and my unwavering precedent that would ensure he didn’t add to the misogynistic and oppressive society that a brand new, beautiful baby girl would be born into. I was instantly aware that what went on in my home and how we conducted ourselves in public and how I handled specific situations my son was sure to experience, would be the difference.
I would be the difference between my son helping a woman instead of taking advantage of her.
I would be the difference between my son believing women are his equal instead of his inferior.
I would be the difference between my son respecting women instead of callously degrading them.
I would be the difference that could ensure he would, one day, be different.
And with this immense amount of pressure came an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. Would I—hell, could I—be the parent that could raise the kind of man another parent would be more than happy to have his or her daughter meet? Would I be able to instill a sense of social justice in my son that would make him empathetic towards his female counterparts, regardless of his inability to know exactly how they feel?
Would I have it in me to be the kind of mother that didn’t degrade or diminish his masculinity, but teach him that it can be a powerful tool for positivity, change and equality?
Would I be the mother that, by keeping my son safe and secure, ensures that the future women he’ll be sharing the world with will be safe and secure as well?
We tend to think raising men is somehow easier. We believe there’s less to worry about, as they don’t face the very real, very overwhelming fears women face on a daily basis.
But I think raising men is harder. I believe there is a greater responsibility, not only to your own precious potato or summer squash, but to the others who are growing in the women around us. I think that culpability should be instilled in every current or future parent, because we are the difference between the men women are thankful they encounter, and the men they hope they never come across.
We’re the difference that can make the next woman – sitting in the waiting room with her pregnant stomach protruding and sweat from another episode of morning sickness still framing her brow – hoping for a daughter.
And that hope not being terrifying, at all.
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Photo: Getty Images
Unfamiliar with site so apologies if this is a spoof. But if true and these feelings of paranoia continue once you have given birth a you can’t bond with your baby, please seek help with these feelings. Far and away the majority of human communication is non verbal. If you don’t get help you will communicate your fear and loathing to your son. In doing so you, the first and most important woman in his life, may be a cause of that you fear.
“I would be the difference between my son helping a woman instead of taking advantage of her. I would be the difference between my son believing women are his equal instead of his inferior. I would be the difference between my son respecting women instead of callously degrading them. I would be the difference that could ensure he would, one day, be different.” You are implying that men are born evil by default and you must “reprogram” them to be good. Boys are not born evil my dear, it is how they are raised that determines that position. Most misogynist… Read more »
Odds are he’ll take more cues from his father about how men should treat women. I’d recommend focus more on teaching him about how women should treat men. Just writing “how women should treat men” feels sexist, but it’s true. Just like father’s are supposed to teach their daughters what to expect from a man, the reverse is true too.
The title of the piece is, “Why I’m Afraid to Raise a Man.” This response is titled, “Why I’m Afraid that You Will be Raising a Man.” Actually, you will raise a boy, and I am even more afraid. He is still in utero and you have already made him a criminal. A new record. You get a gold star attached to your women’s studies diploma. I suggest the author alert the women’s studies program of the class of 2035 so she can help them understand why some boys who are mistreated as children become some of the men they… Read more »
“My partner was thrilled, already planning father and son trips to the ballpark or football stadium or fish-filled rivers. I could sense a palpable comfort, knowing he felt relieved that he wouldn’t be raising a girl.” How do you know he was relieved? By what you “Sense”? Maybe he was overjoyed that he was having a son and expressing it. I’ll bet if you were having a daughter, you’d express similar pangs of excitement as a mother. “His son wouldn’t face blatant sex discrimination or stomach-turning rape statistics or have the majority of society tell him his worth is based… Read more »
Amen
I don’t think the author truly believes what she writes. Look at who she tailors her articles for: XoJane, Buzzfeed, Huffpost etc These sites need a continuous influx of these stories: stoking anxiety that our boys will turn into misogynist white serial killers, who objectify women, don’t recognize their privilege, and make inappropriate rape jokes while sitting with their legs apart in subways – micro articles on micro aggressions with micro relevance outside of gender gossipy gossip. The author also wrote this navel gazing piece a few weeks back – the pattern is 2 for 2 https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/what-it-means-when-you-say-im-hot-for-a-mom-kt/ I take it… Read more »
My god I feel sorry for your son. I know that’s harsh, and I’m sorry for that, but frankly I’m rather sick of seeing this narrative constantly pushed on this and other sites. Your son is A CHILD he’s not some bloody werewolf that will turn into a monster unless you shackle him in silver chains every full moon. You think your son won’t be able to sense the underlying contempt you feel for him? You think he won’t be able to tell that you care more about hypothetical people than your own flesh and blood? What about your son… Read more »
8ball – You really can neither be upset nor surprised by this! Give the young lady some credit as she speaks for a LOT of women out there. I have always wondered how women would react to how their sons get treated by women, and what they would do about it. Looks like we are going to find out in this next generation of men!
I’m not at all surprised by this, and I said as much. Again, this is merely the latest in a long line of articles- many of which were posted right here on this “male positive site” featuring mothers who apparently care more about fellow (and possibly hypothetical!) women their offspring may one day encounter than they do for their own flesh and blood. Mothers who, near as I can tell, look at their young children and see a vampire waiting to happen.
I’m sure you’ll do a great job.
I find it somewhat interesting that you seemed to feel raising a man to be good is so much harder than raising a woman to be good. I don’t think you have to put so much pressure on yourself that one slip up and he’ll default into a misogynist who disrespects and degrades women. There are plenty of good men out there. Make sure he has enough of them in his life as role models and he’ll figure it out on his own.