Why Is Your Truth so Important in Relationships?

PHIL: We’ve written in the past about white lies, and that while social graces help us all live together harmoniously, within close relationships, they reduce trust, an essential part of a peaceful relationship. I was recently downvoted on Reddit for arguing for total honesty, and I can understand why, when starting out in the adult world, people feel the need to present an attractive front to fit in with groups and attract partners.

I think that as we mature and discover more about who we are and what we want as opposed to the roles ordained by family and society, telling the truth in our close relationships becomes essential for us to live comfortably with ourselves.

Is it even necessary to speak at all? Are you impelled to speak out spontaneously, like a pressure cooker venting? Are you giving voice to your feelings or trying to control the situation (aka other people) around you?

But when you are invited into a dialog (“Do these jeans make me look fat?”), of course, your truth is needed. As I said at the beginning, openness and honesty are necessary in peaceful relationships.

But how do we do that with grace? I think it helps to distinguish between truth and facts. There is our truth, what is true for us, and it is so self-evidently true that we think it is the truth, but really, it is only what is true for us based on our upbringing, temperament, and perception of the situation. Furthermore, it is only what is true at this time. As we examine our motives and learn more about the situation and the other person, our understanding can change. It’s like watching a detective story where new evidence turns up, new motives are revealed, and the likely suspects keep shifting.

When we speak, we should make clear that it is our reality. Speak in the first person. Be gentle. There are many ways to say what is true for you.

MAUDE: I have found myself in several conversations recently about truth, truth-telling, and the meaning and importance of truth. Phil had an experience on Reddit in terms of relationships and speaking truth, and these exchanges led us to today’s post.

For me, truth is a living, moving, growing experience, and it applies to what is going on inside me. Truth is not fact. Truth is dynamic, personal, and meaningful. My truth speaks of my personal values.

When something occurs that is of meaning within a relationship with a friend, relative, or partner, it is important to me to stop and go inside to reflect on what I am feeling or thinking. The pause between my reaction and my response is a rich period for me to explore what my truth is in the given situation.

I have a series of questions I put to myself, including what is going on here? What do I feel, and why is it meaningful to me? What do I want to convey to the person I’m relating to? Is there something of value for the person I am addressing that I can communicate?

What I find that reveals more of me is certainly of value to communicate in any intimate relationship. In that instance, it would be important for me to make it clear that I am communicating something about me; something I think or feel. It would be equally meaningful to make it clear that it is not about the other person, but about me.

Often, people start communications out as if it is about them, but they are really saying the other person made them feel that way, or caused what is happening to them. When you speak this way with someone, they can sense it. If someone feels attacked or pushed, they will not be available to experience what you are sharing.

Even more important, if you make yourself a victim or blame someone else for your experience, you will not learn your own truth. And you will miss a precious opportunity.

Reading Corner

Truth in relationships is so important. It’s a key area that we have written about a number of times before, and here are some of those pieces.

The Importance of Sharing Your Truth in Relationships “These are all real reasons that people tell themselves for lying, either directly or by omission. Regardless of the reason, it creates distance between you and the other person. You can avoid this kind of separation in your connections by first learning your truth. For some people that is clear, while for others it is a process that requires active inner work to find. Once you know it, you will need to find the proper time, language, and tone of voice to communicate that truth. You can just blurt it out without thinking about these things, but that is rarely successful. Truth sharing is not a process of speaking every thought that passes through your mind. It is important to know what thoughts have a bearing on your relationship with the other person and how much you wish to share, as every relationship is different in this regard.”

Why it is Important to be Honest and Share Your Truth in Relationships “It is of central importance to speak your truth and to share honestly in relationships if they are to be peaceful and harmonious. Practicing honesty allows you to feel good about yourself. It resonates deep within. To speak your truth takes self-reflection and requires knowing what your feelings, wants and even needs are, examining where any confusion lies, and then looking at how that applies to your relationships. No matter how open and connected those relationships are, if you aren’t aware of your own inner truth, the other person will have little chance of knowing what that is or how you feel.”

Why It’s Important to Know Your Truth and Share it in Your Relationships “Yet, what is speaking one’s truth and how can you do it? This art must be developed through inner work and conscious behavior. To speak your truth you must first know what it is — that it comes from you, not from anyone else, and it represents your feelings and thoughts. It is not absolute, and can change as you look at a situation and your feelings and adjust accordingly. It takes self-reflection and a desire to know yourself so you can share openly. Finding that place resonates deeply and leaves you with a good feeling about yourself. Maude was recently feeling some tension between herself and a dear friend. Her first thoughts were all about her friend’s behavior, leaving her feeling critical and upset. Not wanting to maintain this feeling about her friend, she started searching within and looking at what she was feeling and why it caused such distress and a feeling of distance from her friend. After some inner reflection, she realized that what she wanted was really something quite simple that she hadn’t communicated at all, and yet she was feeling resentful that she wasn’t getting it from her friend. Once she knew her truth, she was able to communicate that very peacefully, with calm and a complete lack of tension. This led to a lovely interaction and a plan which was even better than what she had been looking for.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.