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I’m really disappointed in people of color right now. We need to be doing a lot more to ensure the safety of the public. The last time I checked, nearly every one of us has a cell phone. So we must ask ourselves—and I include myself here—why aren’t we using them to report on the activities of white people who are a danger to themselves and the rest of us?
Here’s a handy guide I put together to help single out and profile white people.
1. The White Restroom User at a Coffeeshop
It is a scientific fact that coffee will make you run to the bathroom. And yet, here’s this white guy who’s waltzed past the long line of clients awaiting that morning cup of joe that will keep them from descending into road rage before they hit the streets on their way to work. Where’s he headed? To the toilets! How? Why? He’s not purchased anything diuretic from the barista. And how can you be sure that he is going to after he’s used the facilities? Call the cops ASAP! A crime is in progress—he may not even wash his hands after he’s done.
2. The Late-Arriving White Students on a College Tour
How dare they? Do they not understand the importance of an education? But wait! Maybe they aren’t really here for the tour. What if they only look like preppy soon-to-be college kids? They must have concealed weapons. That’s it! Call the po-po!! Soon-to-be active white shooters trying to blend in at this fine place of learning. Call before it’s too late!
3. Dozy White Student on Campus
Yeah, it’s exam season. So what? If a white student is nodding off at a computer at the library or taking a nap in a secluded spot anywhere on campus … there’s trouble brewing. Now, we might think, “Gee, it’s got to be because they’ve been completing a marathon session of paper-writing.” Or “C’mon, they’re just taking a break from all that reading!” Don’t believe it for a second. If they needed to sleep, there’s a place for that. It’s called a dorm room, which has something called a bed. They only reason they’re catching some Zs in this public place is because they were up to no good and it overwhelmed them. We can’t wait til they wake up to call the authorities because, by then, they’ll have been rejuvenated from their disco nap and be all the more disposed to carrying out their nefarious plans.
4. Shady White Lady Leaving Apartment
She’s not meant to be there. How did she get in and what’s in that suitcase of hers? Now, we could give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she’s staying here in someone’s AirBNB. But we would be dead wrong. Never believe that such a person is capable of taking a holiday or visiting from out of town. While we’ve been dithering, she’s looted everything in sight. Push aside any sense of fairness, and call before she departs the scene of the crime. Security! If nothing else, she’s clearly gentrifying the place—those yoga pants and that disposable coffee cup in hand are a dead giveaway. (Which of these is itself the worse offender, I’ll leave open for debate.)
5. Backpack-carrying White Guy at the Airport
I don’t even have to explain this one, do I? It’s obviously a bomb.
So, Dear People of Color, please, let’s do our bit to keep nefarious elements from hanging about coffeeshops without purchasing anything, raise the alarm on latecomers, cause concern over sleepyheads, be very afraid of visitors in our buildings, and when traveling, if you see something, say something!
(Of course, as a person of color reporting on a white criminal, we have to go on faith that the authorities will actually take us at our word.)
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