Mary McLaurine’s sons have been called Mama’s Boys. And that’s OK. Why? Because they love their mother. They are also independent adults with lives of their own.
My sons and I have always been close. Today, one is 30, and the other 34. Like most siblings, they have much in common but also couldn’t be more different. Dylan, my 30 year old, is an extrovert. He’s the comedian, the actor, the impersonator, the one who makes everyone in the room feel comfortable. He’s a leader. In first grade, other kids followed him and have continued to do do so. He makes me laugh, a feat few are able to accomplish.
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Wounds are inevitable when one exposes ones heart to the world. He doesn’t care; it’s worth it to him.
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Dylan has never been afraid to show emotion, has never hidden his pain or tears from me no matter what the problem. Like actors, comedians and people of the creative world, he’s vulnerable and wears his heart on his sleeve for all to see, adore, and sometimes mock or wound. Wounds are inevitable when one exposes ones heart to the world. He doesn’t care; it’s worth it to him. He has to be himself no matter the cost.
Four years ago he struggled with horrific symptoms of Chronic Lyme Disease. Swollen, painful joints, chills, fever, aches and pains as well as mood swings from countless medications. Yet, through it all, his light would shine. One Sunday in October, feeling stronger and missing his friends, he invited them over to watch a football game. I know most of his friends and I was happy to see them. I walked in with groceries and found myself in the hysteria of a much-needed-touchdown celebration. Dylan raced over, picked me up and spun me around exclaiming his undying love and adoration for his mama and the Washington Redskins simultaneously. His friends immediately started mocking him calling him a Mama’s Boy.
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For many, 0ur mind conjures negative images when we hear the term. Webster’s Dictionary defines a mama’s boy as: a boy or man who is excessively influenced by or attached to his mother. Wikipedia says: Mother’s boy, also mummy’s boy or mama’s boy, is a term for a man who is excessively attached to his mother at an age when men are expected to be independent (e.g. live on their own, be economically independent, married to a woman or about to be married). I’m here to tell you that’s not so and that the stereotype saddens me.
Being a mother, I want my sons to thrive and be happy. My eldest son is also attached to me, but is also independent. He and I are close. He is an introvert and prefers to keep his heart inside and protected. He keeps his emotions to himself and shares only when necessary, when he needs advice or guidance. He, too, is a delightful young man, happy and self-confident, and pursuing his dreams in music.
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Some parents believe strongly in and adopt an aggressive parenting style, particularly with boys. Boys don’t cry, those that do are sissies, real men don’t show emotion, the man wears the pants in the family, etc. They believe boys and men should be governed by all things testosterone, appearing ever-strong and independent, never needing anyone or anything.
How can boys who swallow their emotions grow into capable young men? How will they become men who will understand their own buried emotions, which are bound to surface, morph into depression, or abuse, and those of female relatives and/or partners?
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I disagree. How can boys who swallow their emotions grow into capable young men? How will they become men who will understand their own buried emotions, which are bound to surface, morph into depression, or abuse, and those of female relatives and/or partners? And, how will they deal with other men who show feelings they now deem weak and not manly?
My husband was of this ilk. Our parenting styles differed so greatly and it was always a source of contention. I validated my sons’ emotions and helped them to process them. He, on the other hand, was verbally abusive calling them “pussies,” “weaklings,” “pansies” and often “mama’s boy.” Today, thanks to my influence, I see strength, power, self-confidence, happiness, and love in their eyes.
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That football Sunday, as Dylan gently lowered me back down and my feet and heart were once again grounded, he turned to his friends and exclaimed “I am a mama’s boy! I love my mama. I can’t imagine NOT being a mama’s boy. You only get one!” and with that he kissed me on the cheek and in his best English accent declared “Now go forth, mother, and bring us a feast!”
They all nodded in agreement and chimed in “We’re just joking man, you know we all love Mama Mary.”
They do love me and many do think of me as their second mama. Why? Because when they couldn’t go to their own mom or dad for fear of seeming weak or emotional, they’d come to me. I have wiped tears from more than one of their young faces over the years and I won’t be putting my tissue box away anytime soon.
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The term mama’s boy has negative connotatios, but should it? How about we call them loving sons?
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The term mama’s boy has negative connotatios, but should it? How about we call them loving sons? How is a boy or man who loves and is close to his mother weak? If I had daughters, I would tell them to look at how men treat their mothers, sisters and all the women in their world. Is he loving and respectful to them? Does he hold them in high regard? Can he express his feelings openly and honestly?
For to me, that’s the sign of a man in charge of himself, a man who can decide whether he is comfortable being vulnerable and open for the whole world to see or perhaps chooses to play his cards a bit closer to his vest, displaying love and high regard in more private moments. Either way, this defines a man’s character, being his true self, who he was born to be. He doesn’t need society to define him.
In my quest to determine a replacement phrase for mama’s boy I was stymied. No matter who I asked, male or female, the few terms we came up with were not much better. I sought the opinion of a man I have long admired and respected and asked him what he thought of the term mama’s boy and if he found it offensive. I offered no reason as to why I was soliciting his opinion.
Here is what he said:
“I don’t find it offensive at all. I don’t associate it with being wimpy or weak. It’s like not being afraid to say I love you to your girlfriend when your friends are around. I think it requires strength and confidence to do those things. I don’t really think of the term in any way, really. It’s not offensive, it’s not brave, and it’s kind of silly if anything. Any man that has a good relationship with his mother is all of a sudden considered a mama’s boy when in reality it’s just a silly name for someone who has love and respect for the woman that brought him into this world and raised him. It’s almost like a reverse double standard. Women are supposed to idolize their fathers their whole lives and that’s the norm, it’s OK to be a daddy’s girl but men who love and respect their mothers are called mama’s boys and wimps. It’s just silly to me.”
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Maybe the term, along with society, is evolving into a more accepting, understanding and enlightened realm. Apparently, millennials already feel the term is extraneous. Why the assumption about millennials? The quote above is from my son, Dylan, and I couldn’t be more proud to be that boy’s mama.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
I agree with your comments Mr. Horsmon. As the comedian Jeff Foxworthy stated if your wife isn’t happy, she will get half of everything. “They do love me and many do think of me as their second mama. Why? Because when they couldn’t go to their own mom or dad for fear of seeming weak or emotional, they’d come to me. I have wiped tears from more than one of their young faces over the years and I won’t be putting my tissue box away anytime soon.” It is tragic that kids have to turn to other people for advice,… Read more »
Yes, G, it is tragic, but how fortunate for these boys that they did have another adult in their lives who could fill that role. Many boys, and girls, have no adults to fill those roles. Blood ties don’t need to be the only way we get our nurturing, and the It Takes a Village to raise a child adage is in play here. Mary was a part of their village. Lucky them.
I have to agreed with you Ms. Kanevsky because too many boys and girls end up in gangs because sadly gangs offer an alternative family to fill the roles of the parents; however, even gangs are like bad families when they just toss away their members when they no longer need them.
Nice article, Mary. And I agree totally with what your friend said.
The only “problem” in my mind is when a man (or a boy) falls into a self-serving and self-preserving destructive pattern of behavior that bows to the cliche, “If momma ain’t happy then nobody’s happy” or “Happy wife, happy life.”
These men and boys are motivated by fear of disapproval and in search of affirmation in the wrong place. And their life continues to get worse if they believe it’s their job and their fault if the women in their life is unhappy.
My two cents. Thanks!
Thanks for reading and commenting Steve. I see your point, however, Mary’s article in no way speaks to men or boys who fall into destructive patterns with parents or partners. One need not be a “mama’s boy” to be in a dysfunctional relationship with one’s parent of partner and be motivated by fear of disapproval, or believe they need to make their partner happy. I think that if we take the word “excessive” out of the definitions of this derogatory term, and maybe find new ways to describe men and boys who love their mothers with unconditional abandon and are… Read more »
But then if that isn’t true, stop “taking back” the word mama’s boys. People who use that term are referring to bad relationships. Who are you taking it back from? What’s next? It is wrong. You can support a boy and not have to take back a term that helps people who were terribly hurt by these grown losers recognize them.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve, thank you so much for reading and commenting. It’s through respectful discussion we can bring change or a shift of perspective on a subject.
I wanted to point out to you that when you say “And I agree totally with what your friend said” that this wasn’t a friend in the traditional sense, it is a quote from my son, Dylan, hence my hope that the term ;mama’s boy’ may conote something entirely different to Millenials or maybe the term will slip quietly into obsoletion.
Thanks again and your ‘two cents’ is always welcome.