Why It Doesn’t Bother Me When a Woman Says She Doesn’t Need a Man

Okay, I can already hear some of you saying, “What?! You want women to friend-zone you?!” So let’s get that out of the way right off the bat.

Not all friendships between a man & woman are meant to take a sexual turn. I’ve had many female friends in my life, and most of them have never — and I expect will never — be anything more than a friend to me. But friendship can be a fertile ground for love and sex to blossom.

That’s not just wishful thinking on my part; I’ve lived it! In another piece I’ve written (linked below), I describe the kind of thoughts that go through my head as I’m making love with a woman. Here’s one example:

She’s such a great person, and I love making her feel good, ’cause she totally deserves it.

Does this not sound like I see her as a friend? That’s because I do! As her friend, I care about her and want her to enjoy her own body as the gift it was meant to be for her. (A crucial part of that care is making her feel safe and respecting her boundaries.)

Moreover, as her friend, I don’t just want her to feel good; I want her to feel good about herself:

When a woman is sharing her body with me, I tell her with my eyes, “I see you. Not just your beautiful body, but your beautiful soul as well. I’m celebrating your body as a way to celebrate you.”

From there, it’s not hard to imagine the friendship developing into a romantic relationship. Again, this isn’t theoretical; it’s my lived experience:

Worshipping my partner’s pussy with my lips and tongue feels to me like the most romantic of sex acts. (Worshipping her boobs with my lips and tongue is a close second.) There’s just something about honoring her womanhood in this way. It’s as if she and I are the protagonists of an X-rated fairytale. This is our happy ending that we get to live over and over again.

Take a moment to mull over that last line: “This is our happy ending that we get to live over and over again.” Are these not the words of someone who feels a deep bond with their partner and wants their relationship to last?

What’s more, I wouldn’t want to share such a passionate — dare I even say spiritual — experience with a woman if our relationship isn’t one in which she and I feel safe with each other and can be our fun, goofy selves around each other. A relationship where sex is a heavenly way for us to connect with each other, but it doesn’t replace all the other ways we like to enjoy each other’s company.

The urge to seek ecstasy through love & sex is perfectly natural, but it makes no sense to me to seek it where it’s not supported by a friendship in which you laugh together and have each other’s backs. This is why I’ve always wanted a woman I’m sexually and romantically attracted to to see me as a friend — not someone she wouldn’t want in her life if not for the fact I have a penis, a paycheck, and the ability to open a jar of pickles.

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In a piece about hypocritical men who want a “traditional” woman without the burdens of being a “traditional” man, Madelaine Lucy Hanson writes:

One of my dearest friends is Eastern European. Lovely girl. Huge round blue eyes, slim figure, and that white-blonde hair that racist American incels go wild for. She’s young. Traditional. Generous. Gentle. Soft-spoken. Modest. Conservative. She is what they’d call ‘the ideal’ woman. And she also expects her husband to pay 100% of all the bills, work around the clock to make her more money and move up the social ladder, and constantly buy her whatever she wants. She won’t even go on a date with a man who won’t turn up with a designer present for her and pay to take her to a very expensive restaurant: he needs to prove he’s a generous provider, out the gate. She is extremely scornful and indignant about western men who come home and play video games, instead of working late into the night or starting a second business. It will surprise you no end that western men absolutely hate this and rarely want to go on a second date with her.

Based on that description, I wouldn’t even want to go on a first date with her, let alone a second. I’m no “passport bro” (the target of Madelaine’s ire), and I’m not rebuking her article. But even so, I don’t believe a woman like her friend would ever make me feel truly seen and appreciated as an individual. (That doesn’t make her friend a bad person; it just means she and I wouldn’t be a good match for each other.)

I don’t blame that woman for not wanting a man who spends all his time at home playing video games, but if what she expects him to do instead is work late into the night or start a second business, then it sounds to me like she’s not looking for an actual love connection so much as a business arrangement.

At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman says, “I can support myself, so what do I need a man for?”, that too tells me she was never actually seeking love with a man in the first place. (The same goes for a man who says “What do I need a woman for if she won’t (fill in the blank)?”.)

Don’t get me wrong; the idea of an independent woman actually appeals to me. But I’ve known women in real life who seemed to think that being a strong, independent woman means belittling men. I realize now that it was a front; those women were, in fact, deeply insecure. But that’s no excuse for such behavior, and I’m not going to let such a woman get close to me.

I don’t buy into the idea that a man needs to feel needed by a woman. I can understand why so many men do buy into it: they’ve been conditioned to think that way, and it reflects a deep-seated (and oft-reinforced) fear that they have no inherent value of their own.

You could say I’m fortunate that life forced me at a young age (my teens) to learn not to depend on others for validation. But the more people who learn this lesson (hopefully in a less traumatic way than I did!), the healthier this world will be.

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Imagine if we all proceeded from the premise that men and women are meant to be friends first and foremost, so that when heterosexual sex takes place, it’s between people who genuinely want good things for each other.

Imagine if, instead of worrying that sex might make things weird and ruin the friendship, people understood that sexual attraction between friends — if and when it happens — is a perfectly normal development, and if you go ahead and it ends up not feeling right, you can just say, “Okay, let’s scratch that from the list of things we do together” and continue with the friendship as before (doing the other things you know you both enjoy doing together).

Imagine how much happier and healthier the general state of dating and relationships between men and women would be.

With Love,

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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