Do you ever feel like there are moments when your prospective partner or long-term partner is all in, and in a matter of the sun going down and rising again, they pull away?
It’s frustrating because you feel stuck in a dynamic with two different people.
One moment, you’re sharing intimate moments, and then there are others where you feel like you have to go out on a limb for any crumb of attention.
Instead of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, you feel like the existing light is turning into darkness.
Then, like clockwork, they are right back in the picture to save the dynamic when you pull away.
It feels manipulative and intentional, but what if I told you that is not the whole story?
I know, I know. “Run away as fast as you can, and don’t give this person another second of your time.”
There is a method to the madness, and while I can’t snap my finger and make your partner change their actions, I can explain where they come from and how it’s far less intentional than what you think.
Objects in the mirror may seem closer than…
Although I basically defined breadcrumbing in the introduction, I want to point out a difference.
The main point in breadcrumbing is that someone is intentionally manipulative and controlling with little desire to move forward with the relationship.
While it might feel like the avoidant is manipulating the situation, they are more likely preventing themselves from moving too fast and ending up hurt.
The fearful-avoidant often believes they did not cover all the bases and moved too quickly to the “trust” phase of their relationship process. Letting their guard down and making the wrong choice makes the FA feel responsible.
The dismissive-avoidant needs time to open up and be expressive. When you’re sharing experiences and talking about your past, and you don’t get anything back, it makes you feel like you’re giving everything and getting nothing back.
If we are following along, the trend here is speed and pace. Avoidants don’t want to feel the need to pull back, but it’s instinctual and the avoidant’s method to hedge against making a hurtful choice.
When you take your time and communicate to your partner that you can work with them to build and strengthen the relationship over time, they will be less resistant to move closer.
When they feel attacked or solely responsible for the pace of the relationship, they will feel like they’re failing you, themselves, and the dynamic.
A leaf in the wind
Have you ever been in a relationship that ended, and within minutes, hours, or days, you or your “ex” are running back to each other to fix the problem?
Have you been in a relationship with an avoidant that ended, and within minutes, hours, or days, you’re still sitting by the phone waiting for their name to appear?
It feels like they never cared in the first place.
There are a couple of things to understand about avoidants in general and the differences between the two types of avoidants.
An avoidant sees conflict as a confirmation of fears they have. It is the easiest way to build a brick wall between what you have built.
A fearful avoidant likes a lot of communication. When an issue arises, they aren’t the type to immediately run away. There will be a limited time to resolve the issue with them. The FA lives ~half anxious and part avoidant. They’ll want space when the initial attempt to fix a problem doesn’t go well.
A dismissive-avoidant doesn’t like disruptions in the harmony of the relationship, and they also need time to process issues. While it feels like they are running away from their problems, truthfully, they haven’t taken the time to think about it as deeply as you.
Neither attachment style has a great instant reaction to turmoil. The best route to take is to make sure neither feels blindsided and that the conversation steers toward improving the dynamic instead of “who is at fault.”
flip the coin
The last piece should bring you some level of comfort.
Avoidants deeply desire a meaningful and intimate connection. Their view is the opposite of the general process a secure person experiences.
You would meet someone new, go on a few dates, share intimate details and experiences, move toward exclusivity, and build trust.
An avoidant takes the whole recipe and remixes it. An avoidant meets someone new, goes on dates, builds trust, shares intimate details and experiences, and becomes exclusive.
What do you think happens when it feels like two people are moving at a different pace in different directions?
It is a ticking timebomb if you’re not aware of the differences in the process.
If you are not on the same page about these processes you will continuously be in misalignment and of course, you’ll feel…breadcrumbed.
Talk about your process, as a unit, so you can curate your experiences to align and have the desired outcome.
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Want to learn about the triggers of dismissive avoidants? Get a free guide here.
Want to learn about the triggers of the fearful-avoidant? Get a free guide Here
Do you want to reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (IG) Here or at [email protected]
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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