Why Loving Yourself Is Sometimes Bad Advice

Everywhere we turn, experts tell us to love ourselves. It is the secret to happiness — the answer to all of our problems. And much of that advice is correct. We truly can’t healthily love someone if we’re filled with self-hatred.

If you hate yourself, you’re going to attract a lot of unpleasant people and situations. It makes sense for experts to suggest you give yourself some self-love.

It’s healthy to love yourself. Self-care is important. We all need to help ourselves to be able to effectively help others.

Yet some people take it too far. They become so self-centered, that they begin ignoring the people around them and focusing only on themselves. They might even become narcissistic.

Self-centeredness can bring problems in relationships

No one wants to be in a relationship with a self-centered person. No matter how much they love someone, no one will last with a partner who ignores their partner’s needs most of the time.

Self-focused people miss out on so much. They spend so much time obsessing on their goals, career, and problems, they completely miss out on what’s going on around them.

Their partner wants to spend time with them but they’re always busy. They’re working on their projects, working out, and shutting out others. Only their wants matter.

They love and prioritize themselves so much, they can’t see anyone else. This spells disaster for a relationship.

And it’s awful for the neglected child who never spends any time with their parent.

The happiest people have loving connections with others

If people want to be happy, they need to connect with people. It’s the way people are wired. Connecting with others is good for our health and well-being.

I learned this lesson the hard way. After giving too much in a relationship, I went to the other extreme. Vowing to put myself first, I started focusing on my work exclusively.

I started turning down social invitations with friends. My focus was on building a career and working on myself.

Yes, I was extremely productive, but soon realized I was lonely. Ordering stuff on Amazon wasn’t making me happy. Things satisfy you for a moment, but it doesn’t last.

Human connection was important and I’d let that go. I found myself in tears most days reaching out to friends on the telephone. Merely talking with a friend for a half hour made me feel better.

Loving others will help us love ourselves more

If someone is feeling down on themselves and life, the best way to love themselves is by helping other people. Getting out into the world and volunteering for a cause not only introduces new people into our lives but gives us a sense of purpose beyond the material.

When we help other people it makes us feel good about ourselves. We learn that our presence has the power to change someone else’s life. Anyone who has volunteered to help stray animals or the poor realizes this. They’ve saved a helpless animal or fed a hungry family. Giving your time to help others can change your world.

It’s humbling to realize that what you considered a small act of assistance meant the world to someone. They won’t forget your kindness.

When we interact with others, people start to see us. Soon they are helping us too. We create a tribe of like-minded people who care about and support each other.

How volunteering changed my life

I used to volunteer to play music at my church. It introduced me to a lot of musicians. Because of volunteering, our music ministered to people and cheered them up when they were having a bad day.

Through volunteering, we formed a musical group outside our ministry and I started playing in a band and earning extra money. Other people hired me to play at musical events. It all came about because of volunteering.