Giving an ultimatum may not be the best way to resolve conflicts but there are times when you get frustrated about your s/o repeatedly crossing your boundaries and you have no choice but to threaten them with dire consequences of their actions.
Some people think ultimatums are toxic because it forces them to be accountable for actions if the offended partner carries out their threat.
While speaking about ultimatums with my friend, Diana, she said she wouldn’t be married today if she had not given her husband an ultimatum to either get married or walk away from the relationship.
She gave her husband a timeline on when they should be married because she noticed he wasn’t making any long-term plans with her.
Diana was thirty-two years old at the time and the relationship lasted for four years. She felt he wanted to keep her as a “forever girlfriend,” which most guys do these days.
When her husband failed to meet the agreed timeline given to him, Diana broke off the relationship. Four months later, her husband returned with intentions of marriage.
Diana didn’t believe him so she suggested they go to therapy to ascertain if his intentions were real.
With the help of her therapist who advised Diana to give her husband a second chance, they got married shortly after. Their marriage is 6 years old now and they are blessed with two kids.
The “Forever Girlfriend” has been trending for a while now and women are no longer playing mind games when it comes to their future or enforcing their boundaries.
In fact, men are done staying friend-zoned forever and want a stake in a relationship so they won’t be called simps.
Despite everyone wanting their boundaries protected, some people, mostly men think they are being manipulated to do what their partner wants when they’re given an ultimatum.
Why do most men get triggered by ultimatums?
Some ultimatums can be triggering no doubt. Like the woman who told her fat husband to either lose weight or risk getting a divorce. And the boyfriend who asked his girlfriend to either get rid of her cat or he will break up with her even when he has a cat too.
But the one I can’t stand is threats about sex. A guy I was seeing gave me an ultimatum to either stop talking to some of my friends or he will stop having sex with me.
He said the women were a bad influence and thought it was in his position to protect me from them.
I’m not a pushover. I know when someone is bad for my well-being and the ladies he wanted me to get rid of were not a danger in any way. Except they are sophisticated and bossy, which gets the guy pissed whenever they come around.
Well, since he was threatening me with sex, there was no reason to stay in a sexless relationship when I was not married to the guy so I left. I respected his boundaries and mine.
I think it’s selfish when people give ultimatums out of their insecurities. Most people give ultimatums out of fear of losing someone and that is when ultimatums become toxic manipulation.
Men are controlled by their egos. They are afraid of getting hurt so they shield themselves from showing any emotions. They act all macho and closed off to hide their fears.
So when they get an ultimatum it seems like they are taking the back seat instead of the wheels. Nothing bruises a man’s ego than being told what to do.
They hate being the submissive partner because they have been groomed to be the masters and decision-makers.
Our ego likes to win every time. Whether is an argument, relationship or work, we want to have the final say in anything. But for a masculine man, the desire to be the leader and winner doubles.
When such men get hit with an ultimatum they either ignore it or walk away from the relationship. It takes wisdom for men to see ultimatums as communication.
Ultimatums may be a harsh way to communicate one’s boundaries but it does bring clarity on where the relationship stands. As humans, our instinct express anger when we get frustrated about something.
In that moment we communicate with the most effective way to express ourselves. Hence, we lay down drastic consequences that will encourage the other party to look deeply into their actions and get their act together.
We all have different priorities. However, it’s important to respect your partner’s values and vice versa. If you think your partner’s lifestyle is causing strains in the relationship, first talk to them about it.
If they continue the same habits, then an ultimatum is necessary to let them know you can’t endure those habits anymore.
But before giving an ultimatum make sure you are prepared to make due of your threat. Giving an ultimatum as a way to test your partner’s limit will often lead to regrets.
…
Did you enjoy reading this story? Take a minute to leave a comment, I would like to hear your thoughts and subscribe to my newsletter so you get my next story in your inbox.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash
