Why Men Hate When They Need to Contemplate — or Whatever Lizzo Said

Haters are so predictable. Every time I write an article holding men accountable for their behavior, I get plenty of comments from angry men. The reaction is typical: They are both defensive and quick to point out problems with women. What they aren’t quick to do is to consider another point of view or to take responsibility for their behavior. Even when it’s not a behavior they engage in, they still feel a need to defend other men who behave that way.

Why? When I see an article calling out a woman for toxic behavior in a relationship, I feel no need to head to the comments to say “not all women”, to point out how I don’t do the behavior in question, or to defend a woman I don’t know in a situation that has no bearing on my life. But men do this (yes, I know: not all men, you don’t do it, and you have a good reason some other man you don’t know behaves this way).

We see this same reaction when it comes to sexual assault. The victim — often referred to erroneously as an “accuser” — is put on trial. They must undergo the scrutiny of public opinion (as well as law enforcement) while the predator is given the benefit of the doubt. Her history, her reputation, and even her clothing are scrutinized. Far fewer questions are asked to determine his history, reputation, or patterns of behavior.

Why Do Men Have a Tendency to Get Defensive?

According to the Gottman Institute staff writer and psychologist Ellie Lisitsa, defensiveness is “defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack.” This habit of deflecting blame or attacking the person addressing the conflict is considered one of the most toxic behaviors in a relationship and can eventually lead to the dissolution of that partnership. Defensiveness blocks the ability to problem-solve. We cannot resolve problems if we can not accept responsibility for our part in them.

While a feeling of shame or guilt is often an aspect of defensive behaviors, Dr. Avrum Weiss of Psychology Today suggests that patriarchal systems in our culture may be a root cause of this tendency:

Men are generally less emotionally fluent than their female partners because our culture stereotypically considers the world of emotions to be feminine territory. From early childhood, some men are often derided or mocked for showing signs of emotions other than anger (the one emotion allowed to men). “Big boys don’t cry.” “Don’t be a sissy.”

These differences in the expression of emotion between men and women are not innate; they are largely taught. Some girls are socialized, primarily by their parents, at ages as young as four months old to be more emotionally expressive. At the same time, some boys are often subtly conditioned to suppress any displays of emotion. (Psychology Today)

When we consider that men are raised to be less emotional and to see emotions as weakness, it makes sense that so many of them are quick to be defensive when their behavior (or another man’s) is called into question. They don’t have the emotional maturity to sit with the discomfort of accountability — nor do they have the emotional fluency to communicate about that discomfort without resorting to anger and accusations.

How to Overcome the Defensive Tendency

The only way to stop being defensive is to learn to sit with discomfort and take responsibility. We are all human. We all make mistakes. When someone is pointing out an issue that is causing harm, it’s not about shame or blame. Rather, it’s a way to raise awareness of an issue in hopes of resolving it.

Most confrontations about a problem may not feel like an invitation to develop solutions. Usually, they feel like an attack. Sometimes, they feel that way because of heightened emotions that come out when problems come up. But sometimes, they feel like an attack even when the other person is calmly expressing concerns.

Practice pausing.

To change a defensive tendency, it’s important to pause before responding. The discomfort we’re feeling? That’s normal. No one likes to hear that they’ve done something wrong or hurt someone else, however inadvertently. Instead of focusing on the discomfort, the pause allows us to experience it and to redirect our focus to the issue at hand.

Avoid deflection.

When someone is talking about something that has hurt them, it’s not the time to bring up when they have been hurtful. Stick to the present issue, and don’t deflect from it. Even if someone addresses the issue poorly, the fact that they brought it up at all is a clear attempt to connect and resolve the problem. Stay on topic and focus on empathy rather than deflection or shame.

Be responsible.

Accountability requires that we accept full responsibility for our actions and understand that our intentions don’t matter nearly as much as the impact they have on others. When we’re willing to be accountable, we apologize for any hurt caused — without adding in excuses or placing the blame on the other person.

Practice solutions.

Being responsible isn’t only about apologizing for the harm we cause. That’s just the first step. We also have to be willing to change our behavior. We need to be open to looking for solutions to resolve the problem, or the problem will recur. If we’re sincere in our apology, we should also want to prevent the issue from happening in the future.

Make amends.

The third part of accountability, in addition to apologizing and finding solutions, is often overlooked: We need to make amends. We need to be able to try to make relationship repairs. We may need to rebuild trust or show appreciation for the other person. We need to look for ways to improve the relationship — be it familial, platonic, or romantic. This helps show the other person that we care about their feelings and want to strengthen the relationship.

When the Defensiveness is for Someone Else

Curiously, many times, I’ve encountered defensiveness from men I don’t know. They jump to the defense of men in any given story. So, how do they stop being defensive when their defensiveness is about someone else?

Honestly, I would suggest smashing the hell out of the patriarchy. Patriarchal systems can create a sense of entitlement in men, which makes accountability challenging. While men are just as capable as any other gender of emotional intelligence, our patriarchal society doesn’t encourage the expression of any emotion for them other than anger. This can create harmful relational patterns. Just as they are learned, they also have to be unlearned and new skills developed to replace them.

Of course, the patriarchy isn’t going to fall immediately. But in the meantime, men who feel triggered and angry about an article could learn to practice the pause before lashing out. They could consider why they feel the need to defend some man they don’t know and assume the woman to be the problem (in a heteronormative example). This is often projection — their past experiences being made universal.

It could be said that I do the same — that I take my personal experiences and apply them outward. The only difference is that I use my background as a counselor and my research in psychology to talk about what causes these behaviors and how we might change them. My goal isn’t to attack men or spread vitriol. Rather, I want to offer perspectives that could help improve relationships.

Contemplation, Connection, and Conflict

I had to learn conflict resolution skills like anyone else. Most of them, I learned as an adult because my childhood was dysfunctional. At first, I wasn’t very good at it. But I did keep trying. I wanted to have healthy communication in my relationships, and I learned in my marriage that sweeping issues under the rug only caused them to fester.

I finally had a relationship where I was able to practice positive communication during conflict. It was hard. I hated it. But after every single argument, I thanked my partner for his willingness to address it with me — not because I enjoyed that process but because I valued the relationship and wanted it to be healthy.

I still hated it. I hated the vulnerability and discomfort of telling someone that they had inadvertently hurt me. Every time, it made me feel sick to say it, and I was always afraid of the reaction. Sometimes, I would get defensiveness in return, but I was patient and would point out that his feelings about my feelings weren’t where the focus should be to resolve the problem. It helped. I wasn’t mad about it. I just wanted to find the solution.

I will always be grateful for that relationship and how it helped me become better at talking about my feelings and addressing conflict. While I’ll never, ever enjoy that process, I was so grateful that my partner was brave enough to have those conversations. While the relationship didn’t work out and all the problems weren’t resolved, it still helped me learn that it’s possible to see the problem as the problem, not the partner.

When we take the time for contemplation, we give ourselves a chance to connect better with others. We can grow our relationships and strengthen them. But we can’t do that when we’re defensive.

Of course, I don’t have a relationship with the many haters who drop into the comments section to rage on behalf of men. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t speak up and say that the defensiveness is problematic and doesn’t help anyone. Men need to hold other men accountable. It’s the only real way we’re ever going to eradicate rape culture and encourage equality. We need to be able to say that what’s wrong is wrong — no matter who is doing it.

And yes, women get defensive, too. I know that. That’s not the point right now, merely a deflection from it.

If there’s discomfort reading this, sit with that. Explore why. Opt for dialogue that encourages understanding rather than vents anger. We don’t need more defensive people lashing out. We need more people willing to listen and understand. We need more accountability and relational repair.

No one wants to be termed a “hater”. Or a troll. Or anything else derogatory. But if we don’t want that label, we have to take responsibility for our actions and learn new (and better) ones.

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About the Author

Crystal Jackson is a freelance writer and published author with a background in counseling and psychology. While she no longer practices as a counselor, she utilizes her mental health background to write content like this on Medium and also on her Substack. When she’s not writing, you’ll find her managing social media for an area non-profit, gardening, fostering animals from the local Humane Society, raising two wonderful spectrum children, and generally being a menace to the patriarchy and other oppressive systems. Thank you for your support!