You can help a man get past the fear of being vulnerable, but it will require some awareness and strength on your part.
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Your man is shutting down and not sharing with you because that’s what he was taught to do. He wasn’t born that way, but at some point he was told:
That’s wrong.
A man does it that way.
Big boys don’t cry.
Don’t be silly.
That’s stupid.
That’s not true.
Go and play with your cousins, stop bothering me.
Let your little brother or sister have that.
Don’t say that.
You see, what is learned early on is used and reused throughout life, in a number of different areas, until something requires a change, something stops working for them.
Men who don’t share usually weren’t given “permission” to share, or the room to share, and have learned that is it safe not to.
The thing is, the man in your life continues to not share because he knows that when he shares he becomes vulnerable he has to deal with the judgment, reactions, and consequences from those who are asking him to share. Which is usually you.
The people who shut these men down usually love them and are just trying to protect them. But in pursing that safety they are taught to disown who they are or to hide aspects of themselves so that their loved ones don’t feel uncomfortable or so that society will accept them.
You may ask him to share honestly but is that really what you want?
How do you respond when he gives you an answer you don’t like, when he gives you his opinion and it doesn’t agree with yours, when he wants something different than what you want?
Do you support him, or do you inadvertently ask him to shrink his needs, dreams, beliefs, emotions because they don’t suit you?
In a very small but practical examples, I am guessing you sometimes ask him questions when you really don’t want a truthful answer. Some typical ones:
Does my bum look big in this?
Do you fancy her?
Is she pretty?
I don’t do that do I?
That’s wrong, isn’t it?
And in those moments when you are looking for some kind of reassurance or validation but not owning it, you are asking him to pick between pleasing you and being honest, leaving him to deal with the consequences and judgments that follow his honesty.
You don’t get to pick and choose when you want the men in your life to be themselves — vulnerable and honest.
You either invite it all the time or you teach them to shut it down and fear their own truth.
We all want to be loved and belong, men just as much as anyone else.
The men that don’t share are just doing what they have to with the tools they have available in an attempt to get what they need; love, acceptance, peace.
If you ask the men in your life to be more open, then you need to be ready to handle your own discomfort with it and all that comes with their vulnerability.
It takes a strong man to stand in his truth, in his power, to be open, vulnerable, and own that for himself. And it takes a strong woman to stand in hers, beside him, owning what is hers.
So if you ask him to share and be vulnerable, to be honest with himself and you, I hope you’re ready for his fears, tears, anger, pain, joy, weakness, strength, possibility, dreams, authentic self, his truth, his reclaiming all that this brings with it. Because the truth is that is where he is the most available and beautiful.
Isn’t it funny when you start thinking, how much you actually notice. I also think these phrases are used on woman too, its so interesting to see how conditioning is so subtly done.
Thanks again for sharing,
Sile
Dear Sile:
I give you four more phrase that shuts men down:
This is not the time nor the place to talk about this.
I don’t have time to talk about this.
I don’t have the time for this
We will talk about this later.
No wonder why men don’t open up and are shut down because these are code words that translates into saying that the person doesn’t want to talk to you, has no intended of talking to you, and doesn’t want to hear from you let alone see you.
Hi G,
I shared statements I have heard men identify as ways they were shut down. I have heard these statements before however I hadn’t heard them in assication with being shut down.
Thank you for sharing and raising my awareness.
Sile
Dear Sile: Here are are more phrases that shut men down: As long as you are in my house, you do what I tell you do to. This is my house or this is my house since I paid the bills around here. You don’t straighten up, I will throw you out of the house (What a great way to mentally harm anyone when they are young and vulnerable especially since they did not asks to be brought into this world). I am a little surprise that the men who come to you for help have not given you some… Read more »
To be fair, men such as dads, older brothers, and other adult men have also played their part in shutting young males down. I can also think of other phrases that shut males down: You are not making any sense You don’t know what you are talking about Do as you are told. I’m your mother, I’m your father I’m your older brother Because I said so Don’t be a smartie pants Don”t get cute, Don’t be a smart ass, Don’t be a wise ass You are not paid to think (favorite phrase in the military) Don’t you ever never… Read more »
Hi G,
I love your statements, I am going to save them and hope to never use them with the men in my life or woman in fact.
Thanks for sharing,
Sile
Trey, good question, in my experience it’s done unconsciously by the people that do it. I think awareness is the key here.
Oh so true, Must boys learn those thing at their mother’s knee……. But why would you do that to your own child?
You are going in the wrong direction with this. Vulnerability is not a fear. Invulnerability is a practicality. The world will toss us aside when we do not fulfill our duties, and even women who claim to want vulnerable men will do the same. When even mentioning male issues results in mockery from those who claim to be fighting for these things.
It is so easy to say that men are taught to be this way. The question you need to be asking is who is doing the teaching?
Hi Diz, You raise some great points, both which impact this article. I am sorry that your experience of woman who claim to support male issues still ‘toss us aside’, this article was about raising awareness like this. Thank you for sharing! I didn’t refer to vulnerability as a fear, I referred to it in the context of what I hear woman asking their men to be vulnerable and I hear men say ‘she asks me to be vulnerable but does she really want that?’ I hear men say they are fearful of exposing themselves or being vulnerable because of… Read more »