Why Men’s Fantasies Are so Full of Promise and Yet Detached From Reality

We were raised to be masters of the universe. What could go wrong?

Right from the start, permit me to say that what follows applies to only “some” men, and so inevitably there will be readers who cannot find themselves among these descriptions. For this I apologize, but invite you dear readers to comment on any fantasies or categories of fantasies I may have missed.

It has always been my observation that each of us, men and women, lives partly in a fantasy world which, like a video game, we create and re-create and often perceive through the lens of real-life activities. These interior worlds are rarely shared except with other enthusiasts, and so they carry elements of mystery and intrigue. They represent that which is unknown to us about practically everyone we know.

In general we think of fantasies as positive experiences. But they have also been described by trauma victims as vividly recalled, damaging experiences. While my heart goes out to these persons, addressing these types of terrifying fantasies will require a separate essay. Here we are describing generally positive fantasies, although as we shall see, many real life activities that flow from them do not always turn out well.

From the title, many readers will note that fantasy by its very nature is “detached from reality.” And yet fantasies often exert influences upon the actions and chosen paths of those experiencing them. So we may say that some fantasies are in fact attached directly or indirectly to outcomes in real life. From fantasies we may derive goals, drives, desires and aspirations that may be useful, but it is often difficult to know precisely how these connections come about.

We will also consider what happens when a fantasy-driven aspiration crashes into a real-life disaster. Does this squash the fantasy? Or is it modified in accordance with real-life experience?

So Many Fantasies, So Little Time

Like much of our emotional lives, fantasies mature as we grow from young adulthood to full-on adult men. For the young it may be hard to distinguish between a genuine aspiration and fantasy. That’s okay, since both are useful and positive influences on the process of maturing. Most studies indicate that both men and women spend about half of their awake time focused on wandering thoughts rather than on the task at hand. How much of this wandering time is filled with fantasy is difficult to say. The New York Times reported on several early studies:

“MANY people occasionally turn off the drab or irksome realities of the day through fantasy. But some people, a fascinating minority, spend most of their waking lives lost in a fantasy world, leaving it to join the common reality almost as a visitor.”

We know that the average man spends roughly twenty to thirty percent of his awake time immersed in fantasy, much of which is simple daydreaming. But for those especially prone to fantasy, indicators suggest that these men spend upwards of sixty to seventy-five percent of their awake time engaged in established and continuing fantasies. This implies that men and women generally become very good at multitasking, performing work tasks while daydreaming. No surprise there.

There is a fascinating give and take between a man’s fantasies and real-life experiences. For daydreams that last only seconds, a simple reference to a vacation spot, say Antigua, may bring about a series of images strung together around the thought of a Caribbean vacation and young bikini-clad women on the beaches. If this person has real-life experience traveling to Antigua, and thus first-hand knowledge, then the fantasy becomes stronger and more detailed but not necessarily more realistic.

Similarly, a glance at a female co-worker’s skirt may produce erotic fantasies that way exceed the drama, or lack of drama, of the real-life incident. If you are a man, how many times each day do you daydream about sex? The numbers range from eight to ten times each day, and this is likely a gross underestimate.

Daydreams are relatively brief but numerous, whereas awake fantasies are usually longer, spanning ten to thirty minutes in many cases. Fantasies are more detailed and often continue episodically for years. The fantasies most men will acknowledge when asked are generally based on video games or fantasy sports, and sometimes novels. But it is doubly ironic that many male fantasies are derived directly or indirectly from video game images and scenarios — even for individuals who had never played video games.

On the other hand, the fantasy scenarios featured in video games may be viewed as just grotesquely enlarged versions of mainstream cisgender men’s preferred male types. And of course, the vast majority of game players are boys and young men.

In general, people — especially men — spend so much awake time daydreaming and fantasizing, it is a wonder that they are able to accomplish anything else. This is the power of cognitive multitasking. But I am not sure this phrase is strong enough to describe the actual diligence and creativity with which men attend to their favorite fantasies. We know that women fantasize as well, but because their fantasies are both qualitatively and quantitatively different, we will save this for a separate discussion.

What Fantasies?

The phrase “fantasy worlds of men” is most often used today to refer to popular fictional realms like Middle-earth (Lord of the Rings) or Westeros (Game of Thrones), often featuring male protagonists in epic struggles, and also to the psychological concept of men escaping into idealized worlds. This review is not limited to video games, although for many men these loom large as sources of active fantasies and imagination.

Literary and Pop Culture. These are mostly novels, movies and especially comic franchises now produced in film. Here we find complex magic systems, large-scale conflicts, science fiction, apocalyptic scenarios, and many multi-faceted heroes, nearly all men. Consider The Matrix (1999–2021) and the many hundreds of science fiction titles that are published direct-to-ebook.

Power Fantasies. In these fantasies the male protagonist overcomes immense obstacles, asserts dominance, seeks revenge, and achieves idealized success, a common theme in action and fantasy genres. Think of the ancient Greek, Norse and Indian mythologies, or in modern times we have Superman (1978–2025), The Equalizer series (2014–2023) and even the Terminator series (1984–2009). Military films also come under this category as do paramilitary action video games, but only those in which the hero wins the day.

Escapism. This is more an attitude of the consumer than any particular quality of the genres themselves. For many men, the best forms of escapist fiction are ultra-violent action with a minimal plot. Consider the John Wick film series (2014–2023), the Rambo franchise (1982–2019), and perhaps select horror films sometimes known as “torture porn” including the Saw franchise (2004–2023) and Resident Evil (2002–2016).

But it is worth inspecting the escapist scenario as other writers have done. Clearly viewers are escaping from dull, drab lives by viewing exciting entertainment. But according to Shekhar, the content of these films consists of four major tropes: the Paragon, the Crusader, the Protector, the Magnet and the Dominator, all hypermasculine in essence. So the disturbing conclusion we draw is that men are not only entertained, but also identify with the heroes and anti-heroes of these genres.

Patriarchy. Patriarchy is featured in so much fantasy material, it is hard to know what to mention. In the 1987 film Wall Street, finance tycoon Gordon Gekko (played by Michael Douglas) announces at a stockholders’ meeting that “Greed…is good, greed is right. Greed works.” Another example is in The Godfather Part II (1974) when Michael Corleone as the new “Don” (played by Al Pacino) violently slaps his wife Kay (played by Diane Keaton) when she admits that the baby she lost was an intentional abortion. Then there is the teen romance film Priscilla (2023) about Elvis’ wife (played by Cailee Spaeny) in which this 1950s/60s romance is heavily controlled by Elvis himself. Most disturbing perhaps are children’s films such as The Lion King (1994/2019) depicting succession/power struggles within a royal family of male lions.

Pornography. Almost a category separate from the rest because it is presented convincingly as real-life. There are real flesh and blood actors performing actual sexual acts plainly visible to the audience, which again, is overwhelmingly male. Note that we will exclude for the moment overtly female-gaze porn enterprises such as Erika Lust Productions. Mainstream porn focuses on the female body being “used” by often unseen male figures presumably attached to the ubiquitous dangling erect penises. The basic cinematic concept is simple: the presence of whole men is minimized so as to invite the male viewer to imagine himself in this role.

A great deal has been written about pornography, mostly criticism from various perspectives. Most important here is the base human instinct that is so easily manipulated in men. The sexual urge is natural, mostly visual for men, and deeply embedded in the oldest parts of our brains. So male arousal is nearly guaranteed, and is almost at the same level as the flagrant disgust expressed by female viewers. The essential trap is that male viewers who watch enough porn may begin to think that it presents “natural” sexual relations between and among men and women.

But of course the reality is quite different. In real life, sexual relations are delicate, nuanced and related to deep emotions, especially love, safety and mutual passion. This is true, with some exceptions, even in sexual activity that does not involve commitment.

One final comment about pornography and the experience of viewing it as a man. Male heavy consumers of porn often begin to objectify women in real life. And because porn frequently depicts men in sexually dominant roles fulfilling their desires despite whatever the women characters may want, this attitude of domination often bleeds over to real-life scenarios wherein female co-workers, neighbors and even passersby become potential targets of sexual comment/conquest with or without their consent. As a result, many women live in fear, the objects of an aggressive male gaze, unwanted touching and false pretense friendships.

Religious Objections. It is interesting that there have been few religious objections to violent films, but frequent discussions of video games. Even when video games are carefully reviewed, we discover that they are not all violent or anti-social. Many designed for young children offer comic violence where no one is ever actually hurt, for example. Plus we need to recognize that religious leaders are hesitant to criticize the very men and boys whom they wish to attract as converts. That said, religious and spiritual people often criticize the degradation of the human spirit and the domination of women as mere sexual objects.

When Fantasy-Driven Behavior Fails

Fiction has always set examples for real-life decisions, ambitions and even personal drive. Many of these are positive and serve society well. When Gordon Gekko takes the microphone at the stockholders’ meeting in Wall Street, his speech may well inspire young viewers to become financiers since it presents this world with a great deal more excitement and macho bravado than exists in real life. So young men who take up this line of work are often severely disappointed by what they find. Also, probably without even recognizing it, they would have taken up the sword of patriarchy.

A spiritual man may become involved with violent video games as a social activity only to realize at some point that the portrayals are almost entirely anti-social by design. So he is left with the decision whether to continue “hanging-in” with his friends or give up gaming as a threat to his religious or spiritual tenets. Moreover, it is well established that violent imagery breeds violent behavior. While some view this connection as trivial, most serious writers note that through “character bonding” viewers may well take up the fictional action in real life and thus begin collecting deadly weapons and shooting people.

On the other hand, hero characters like Superman may be seen as forces for good, and thus seem to overcome the problem of anti-social or violent content. Still, Superman is leading a double life, confusing even to him, and routinely misleading Clark Kent’s romantic interest. This supports the common notion among men that women must accept whatever surface facade they present, and not delve too deeply into their manly affairs.

Violent materials rely heavily on character bonding, especially among men, and many organizations have warned of the real-life consequences for male viewers, including this warning from the National Institutes of Health:

“Sustained engagement with violent content may compromise the distinction between fictional and actual violence, potentially resulting in emotional dysregulation, desensitization, and the acceptance of aggressive problem-solving approaches.”

Finally and perhaps the most egregious example of consumers taking on negative character personas is pornography. While mature men may be able to separate excursions into porn and real life sexuality, many others bond with the characters in such a way that it begins to influence how they think about sexual relations and how they treat women. In particular, women become objects to be used for sexual gratification. They are viewed as collections of sexual parts waiting for a male “user,” rather than as unique individuals who happen to be female.

This type of virtual character bonding often arises in subtle ways after a real-life intimate relationship is established. Some male partners begin acting like porn stars, demanding sexual encounters strictly on their terms. Partners who fail to meet the man’s porn image of women are criticized or subject to gradually increasing discontent or threats of violence leading to divorce, estrangement and even domestic violence.

Promise or Detachment?

It should be obvious that men’s fantasies are not limited to consumer media, and that personalities and prior experiences will also strongly influence a man’s real-life choices. As we have seen, men’s fantasies are not inherently negative. Indeed, many fantasies are useful inspiration for life, and may be fun to share with one’s beloved partner or even with friends. But it is difficult until much later to tease apart those fantasies that are useful from those that are problematic.

Most mature men are able to look back and clearly identify the problematic episodes in their lives and which were related to fantasies. Young men are urged to develop their self-awareness and insight, and perhaps through this process become aware of how fantasy fits into their lives.

But if you just wish to get together with a friend and play a few hours of a massively multiplayer online (MMO) video game like Final Fantasy XVI, then by all means put the friendship first and just play. Violence aside, multiplayer games can be a great way for men to connect without actually saying much.

Previously published on Substack. Want to see more like this? Please consider buying the author a cup of coffee.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.