All she really wanted was for him to be him.
The amount of times I said, “I don’t mind.”
The amount of times I felt like I had to say “I don’t mind.”
When we were thinking of going on a date. When we were thinking about where to go to eat. During sex.
During sex? I can’t help but smile at that now. What was I thinking?
She’d say “where do you want me?” and I’d say “erm, I don’t mind.”
Good grief. I’m cringing. What was I thinking?
I know what I was thinking. I just didn’t admit it at the time. I didn’t want to know that I knew what was going on.
I said “I don’t mind” because that’s what I thought I had to say.
I couldn’t seem to bring myself to say what I really wanted to say.
“Let’s walk to the harbor.”
“Let’s get fish and chips.”
“Put your face in the fucking pillow.”
Those are the things I wanted to say.
But I didn’t.
Because I wanted her to be happy, and what if I said something she didn’t like? Then she’d be unhappy, wouldn’t she? And then what? Wouldn’t she go off me? Wouldn’t she want to leave me?
She wasn’t making me say “I don’t mind.” She wasn’t somehow pressuring me into saying “I don’t mind.”
I said it because I was insecure. Because I didn’t truly believed that she wanted to be with me. The real me.
A reality of life is that insecurity can be boring.
I’d always say “I don’t mind” and then she’d tell me I was boring. And that hurt me. Because I knew I wasn’t boring. But … I also knew that I was being boring.
I was saying “I don’t mind” because I wanted her to make the decisions because then she’d be happy and then she wouldn’t want to leave me.
Saying “I don’t mind” all the time made her think I was boring … and that’s how the relationship broke down.
I created the thing I was scared of.
And I didn’t create it because I was saying “I don’t mind.”
I created it because of why I kept saying “I don’t mind.”
Because I was insecure. Because I thought she was more important than me. Because I thought that what she wanted mattered more than what I wanted.
I didn’t believe we were equal. That what we were as important as each other. That what I wanted mattered just as much as what she wanted.
It wasn’t me saying “I don’t mind” that ruined our relationship.
It was me saying “I don’t mind” because I felt like I had to – because I felt like she mattered more than I did.
That’s what ruined our relationship.