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I was at New Year’s Eve party when it happened. I was being introduced to a new couple and shook hands. Instead of staying with a handshake, the man forcefully pulled me in for a hug. I was so surprised, I didn’t resist. I ended the hug as quickly as possible and pulled away. However, I was left feeling like the guy had slimed me. The interaction felt creepy and non-consensual. The man felt creepy.
For a long time, I just felt annoyed: about this man, about the men who had come before him. Why didn’t they get they were being creepy? Didn’t they notice my reaction? What was happening for them that there was such a disjuncture between my experience and theirs? In subsequent lengthy conversations with men, we touched on many of the following issues, which helped me understand the many components at play around men and perceived creepiness.
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All humans need platonic loving touch. The benefits of touch cannot be overstated: [d]ecreased heart rate, blood pressure, and cortisol plus increased oxytocin. Within a culture where touch is limited for men, men are at the losing end. In “To Touch or Not to Touch,” the authors point out, ”North American white-Anglos, have developed a set of unspoken taboos in regard to touch.” Men should not touch the opposite gender as it is perceived as being sexual; the same gender (for homosexual interpretation); themselves (judgment around masturbation); strangers; elder; and so on. The list of what men should not do is sad, angering, frustrating. How are men to get the touch they need on so many levels, yet are so judged and inhibited by social mores?
Sometimes they move forward anyway. Sometimes it is beautiful, consensual, connected. Other times it is creepy, non-consensual, or even assault. For all of the ways men are judged for how they are connecting incorrectly, I can’t blame them for wanting to get their needs met. For the creepy guys (the focus of this article), I have wanted to understand why.
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In the realms of somatic intelligence, affection towards boys tends to drop off in the teenage years. While they have been physically affectionate as children, a recent study showed 58% of moms believed they could be affectionate with their teenage boys “anytime, anywhere,” while 59% of the boys felt the affection needed to take place at home. The reasons for this: being perceived as unmanly.
If affectionate boys go through turbulent teenage years where affection is rocky, then how do they re-emerge as affectionate men? Who teaches them? What classes are there? Unless someone actively seeks out classes on how to be somatically intelligent as well as learning how to calibrate with others, then the man is truly left on a fuzzy map, trying to feel his way through unchartered territories.
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If a man isn’t getting his needs met and doesn’t know how to calibrate or ask for what he wants, then he might also run into challenges with differing and opposing needs. He has a need for touch and connection, but this runs against someone else’s need for slower pacing or more space. If women have experiences of men encroaching on their space and a man has sloppy sexual energy (as I’ve written about in “7 Reasons Women Don’t Want to be Called Sexy (And 3 Way to Know if She Does”), this clashes with women having totally different needs. This disjuncture can be awkward, annoying, and even painful.
The man has needs which have been culturally denied. He attempts to get those needs met, perhaps unskillfully, which presses up against women getting unwanted attention and physical touch. No one wins.
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What about attraction? Is a man less creepy if he’s more attractive? A 2015 study showed attractiveness both does and doesn’t make a difference. Two men: one attractive, the other not, were given two tasks. The first task: to ask a female stranger to borrow a pen. The second task: to ask a female stranger if he could take a photo of her for a project. When asking for the pen, the results were the same. The situation was non-threatening, and both men were treated the same. When asked for a photo, 96% of women said no, regardless of the man, but the women judged the less attractive man more harshly. “A devil effect occurred amplifying the negative feelings toward the unattractive male.”
This means it’s totally possible I have judged the man at the beginning of this article more harshly than I would have judged a more attractive man. I’d like to believe this isn’t true. The jury is out for now as I gather my own anecdotal data.
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So what if a man does something creepy? What then? Maybe you are the man who thinks he is never creepy or has never been told as such. Maybe you’re the woman who has been on the receiving end. Maybe you are simply fed up with being rejected or having people not be receptive to your touch. Based on my own experiences, these are my suggestions.
Mild consent crossing:
Creepiness can often include a very mild consent violation. This is the person who invades body space. It could be a forceful hug, a hug that lasts too long, a non-consensual peck on the mouth, or “accidental” grazing of breasts and butt. It is a physical intrusion of space and leaves the receiver feeling off. This is what happened to me above. I don’t think the man know that it was going on, but it certainly left me feeling creeped out.
Suggestion:
If you don’t know someone, ask before you touch. If you do know someone, pay attention to body language. If someone leans away, her body stiffens, she ends a physical embrace abruptly, move away from touch, then take a hint. Some of these things are learned over time and can be very nuanced. If you’re not certain about it, you can always ask. Ask if you want to give a hug. Ask if the hug worked for the other person. Get feedback—if possible—and check in.
Invasion of personal space:
This doesn’t include physical touch, but it does include an invasion of space, like manspreading, standing too close to a woman when there’s clearly enough space to stand farther apart, leaning in to talk, so the woman can feel or smell the man’s breath on her. In a friend’s case, it was a compliment in a professional setting (“You’re cute”). In my experience, the man simply doesn’t know he’s encroaching on the woman’s space.
Suggestion:
Pay attention to where your body is in physical space. No, a man doesn’t need that much space for his jewels. Yes, there are cultural differences, but pay attention to how much space most people take up. If someone is backing up or pulling her face away, you might be too close. When in doubt, ask. I had an experience the other day on the local train where I sat down next to a really big guy. He was keenly aware of his body space and made sure to move over to the best of his ability. On top of that, he verbally checked in with me to make sure I knew he knew he took up a lot of space and was trying to accommodate my needs. It totally worked.
Sloppy Sexual Energy:
There are times when it seems like a man has so much sexual energy, that it feels uncontained and uncontrolled. He really comes across as a giant walking penis, trying to rub up against anyone who is there. This is very different from a man who has a powerful sexual presence, is grounded in his sex, and knows the appropriate moments to let it radiate forth.
Suggestion:
This is a tough one. Once, a group of women let me know my husband was creeping them out with his extended hugs. Now, that was a really tough conversation to have with him, but since I’m a stand for who he is in the world, and I know he always wants to do better, I very gently told him the harsh truth. If you’re not certain, ask female friends for feedback. Ask dates. Ask girlfriends. Ask yourself: do you feel in control of your sexual energy? Do you know what that feels like? This is a situation where feedback is absolutely key as is your own body and energy awareness.
Neediness:
Creepy guys often appear needy, like energy vampires. They want more more more . . . and unlike the unrelenting man who won’t stop hitting on you, this one is more subtle. He saps the energy out of you, leaving you feeling like you were attacked by a vampire, and not a sexy one. I have often found men know when they are needy. If this is you, then it might feel like an internal black hole that can’t be filled up with enough attention. You might be grasping at attention when you notice the woman is turning away or trying to end a conversation.
Suggestion:
I often find that people know when they’re needy. There’s no way around this one, you have to go through it and do your inner work. This means, do work around self-esteem. (“The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” is a great book for this.) You have to enjoy your own company—through other friendships, hobbies, activities that light you up. Learn to cultivate a meaningful life which includes meaningful relationships. Find out the places where you are unfulfilled and work to fulfill them. This section could probably be made into its own article—or even book—but it is a start.
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Creepy guys weren’t born that way; they were made. From the changes in receiving touch as babies and boys through teenagers to men, North American men have sometimes gotten short-changed in terms of affection. The result: they can feel isolated and lonely, trying to find a connection even when it’s not welcomed or desired by another person. As society is changing, masculinity and men—all of us, really—are evolving. My hope is that everyone will get the healthy consensual connections they need: amongst themselves, with others, and on their own, because we need touch. All of us. Even the shy ones, the gregarious ones, the attractive and unattractive ones. And yes, the creepy ones, too.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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