It is one of the strangest contradictions of human life.
There are people who seem to have almost nothing.
And yet they laugh.
They enjoy dinner.
They look forward to tomorrow.
They somehow experience themselves as fortunate.
Then there are people who seem to have everything.
Money.
Success.
Family.
Comfort.
Respect.
Opportunities that millions of people would dream of having.
And yet they are miserable.
Something is always missing.
Something should have gone better.
Someone else has more.
Life has somehow failed to deliver what they believe it should have delivered.
How can this be?
How can the person with less sometimes experience abundance while the person with more experiences deprivation?
Perhaps because happiness is not determined only by what happens to us.
It is also determined by what our minds compare it to.
And there are two sentences that reveal just how differently two people can experience the same life.
“It could have been worse.”
And:
“It could have been better.”
Two People Can Live in the Same Reality
Imagine two people receive the same raise.
One thinks:
Thank God. I’m earning more than I was last year.
The other thinks:
That’s it? I thought the raise would be much bigger.
Same raise.
Different experience.
Two families take similar vacations.
One parent looks around and thinks:
How fortunate we are to be able to do this.
Another thinks:
We should have booked the better hotel.
Same vacation.
Different experience.
Two parents watch their children make progress.
One thinks:
Look how far my child has come.
The other thinks:
Imagine where my child could have been by now.
Neither person necessarily has the facts wrong.
That’s what makes this so important.
The vacation really could have been better.
The raise really could have been larger.
The child really could have accomplished more.
But something else is equally true.
The vacation could have been canceled.
There could have been no raise.
The child could be struggling far more.
Both realities are true.
The question is:
Which one has your mind been trained to notice?
The Direction of the Mind
Some minds seem almost automatically to travel upward.
No matter what happens, they compare reality with something better.
The house is nice—but imagine the larger house.
The salary is good—but imagine the higher salary.
The marriage has many beautiful parts—but look at what is missing.
The children are doing well—but look at where they fall short.
The vacation was wonderful—but imagine what it could have been.
And because there is almost always something better to imagine, there is almost always a reason to be dissatisfied.
Other people seem to travel in the opposite direction.
The house isn’t enormous—but thank God we have a home.
The salary isn’t what we hoped for—but thank God there is income.
The marriage isn’t perfect—but look at what we do have.
The child has struggles—but look at everything that could have been so much harder.
The vacation had problems—but we got to go.
Again, these people may be looking at the exact same facts.
They are simply looking in different directions.
And perhaps this explains one of life’s great mysteries.
The person who has less can feel rich because his mind keeps noticing what he has.
The person who has more can feel poor because his mind keeps noticing what he doesn’t.
But Here Is the Part We Miss
At this point, you might be thinking:
That’s just my personality.
Some people are naturally grateful.
I’m not.
My mind automatically sees what could have been better.
But I don’t think that’s the whole story.
Because even the person who spends much of life saying “It could have been better” has probably experienced moments when his mind suddenly knew how to say the opposite.
Think about it.
You get into a frightening car accident.
The car is badly damaged.
Then you look around.
Everyone is okay.
And suddenly you say:
“Thank God. It could have been so much worse.”
You go for a medical test.
For several terrifying days, you fear the worst.
The doctor finally calls.
There is a problem—but it is treatable.
And what do you say?
“Thank God. It could have been much worse.”
You think you are about to lose an enormous amount of money.
In the end, you lose only part of it.
Ordinarily, losing that amount might have devastated you.
Now you feel relieved.
Why?
“It could have been worse.”
Notice what just happened.
Your circumstances did not become wonderful.
The car is still damaged.
The medical problem still exists.
The money is still gone.
But your emotional experience changed because the comparison changed.
And this means something extraordinary.
If you are someone who constantly notices how much better life could have been, the ability to think differently is already inside you.
You have used it.
Perhaps hundreds of times.
You do not need an entirely new mind.
You may simply need to practice using a mental ability you already possess.
You Already Know How to Feel Fortunate
That may be the great missed opportunity.
We often wait for something frightening to happen before activating a way of thinking that could have helped us appreciate our lives all along.
We don’t appreciate our health.
Then we almost lose it.
And suddenly:
Thank God.
We don’t appreciate someone’s presence.
Then we nearly lose that person.
And suddenly:
Thank God.
We complain about the inconvenience of our home, our work, our family, our ordinary routines.
Then something threatens one of them.
And suddenly we understand what we had.
Why does something have to almost disappear before we recognize that its presence was a gift?
Why do we wait for the accident before appreciating that we arrived safely thousands of times?
Why do we wait for the medical scare before appreciating an ordinary morning when nothing hurts?
Why do we wait until something is threatened before discovering that what we called ordinary was actually precious?
We already know how to say:
“Thank God. It could have been worse.”
The question is why we so often wait for life to frighten us before we remember how.
Try This Before Something Goes Wrong
I don’t want to tell you simply to “be grateful.”
Most of us have heard that advice countless times.
Instead, I want you to prove something to yourself.
Take a piece of paper.
Write down three moments from your life when you genuinely said:
“Thank God. It could have been worse.”
Maybe it was an accident.
A health scare.
A financial problem.
A problem involving someone you love.
A mistake that could have had much greater consequences.
Remember how your mind worked in that moment.
You didn’t need a gratitude seminar.
Nobody had to convince you to compare downward.
Your mind found the comparison immediately.
Now write down three things bothering you about your life today.
Perhaps:
My career should be further along.
My house should be nicer.
My finances should be better.
My child should be doing better.
My marriage should be easier.
I should have accomplished more by now.
Don’t argue with those thoughts.
Maybe they’re true.
Maybe those things could be better.
Now add one question:
Could they also be worse?
And don’t answer mechanically.
Actually picture the answer.
What would it look like not to have the job you’re complaining about?
What would it look like not to have the person whose imperfections frustrate you?
What would it look like if the problem that bothers you were twice as difficult?
What would the earlier version of you have thought about some of the things you now consider inadequate?
For a moment, use the same mental movement that comes so naturally when disaster almost strikes.
Except this time:
Don’t wait for the disaster.
This Does Not Mean You Stop Wanting More
There is an important distinction here.
Contentment is not surrender.
You can appreciate your house and still want a bigger one.
You can appreciate your career and still pursue the next opportunity.
You can appreciate your marriage while working to improve it.
You can celebrate your child’s progress while helping that child grow.
You can want tomorrow to be better without declaring today worthless.
The goal isn’t to stop looking upward.
The goal is to stop looking only upward.
Because if the mind is allowed to compare life only with a better imaginary version, even an extraordinary life can feel disappointing.
There will always be a larger house.
A more successful person.
A better vacation.
A higher salary.
A more accomplished child.
A more perfect relationship.
A version of your life in your imagination where everything went exactly right.
You cannot defeat that imaginary life.
It has no limitations.
Reality does.
Maybe Happiness Is a Habit of Comparison
Perhaps some people aren’t happy because life gave them more.
Perhaps they have simply practiced noticing a different side of what life gave them.
And perhaps some miserable people aren’t miserable because life gave them too little.
Their minds may have become extraordinarily skilled at finding the distance between what exists and what could have existed.
That is why this matters.
Because habits can be practiced.
If your mind has spent years automatically asking:
“How could this have been better?”
you don’t have to forbid the question.
Just train it to ask another one too:
“How could this have been worse?”
At first, it may feel deliberate.
Eventually, perhaps, it becomes familiar.
And over time, you may begin noticing something remarkable.
Your life has not necessarily changed.
But your experience of your life has.
Don’t Wait for the Scare
There are people who lose something and spend years wishing they could return to the ordinary life they once complained about.
The ordinary dinner.
The ordinary morning.
The ordinary spouse sitting across the table.
The ordinary child calling from the next room.
The ordinary paycheck.
The ordinary body that simply worked.
The ordinary day when nothing extraordinary happened.
And only afterward do they realize:
It wasn’t ordinary at all.
You don’t need to wait for that moment.
You already possess the mental ability that people often discover when life frightens them.
You have used it every time you whispered:
“Thank God. It could have been worse.”
So the next time your mind says:
It could have been better.
Don’t fight it.
Maybe it could have been.
Just don’t stop there.
Ask the other question.
Could it also have been worse?
Look around.
Think carefully.
Give that truth the same attention you have been giving the other one.
Because perhaps happiness isn’t reserved for people who were fortunate enough to receive perfect lives.
Perhaps happiness belongs disproportionately to people who learn how to recognize the fortune inside imperfect ones.
You already know how to do it.
You’ve done it during some of the most frightening moments of your life.
Perhaps the secret is to stop waiting for something terrible to happen before remembering how fortunate you already are.
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