I have a dear friend that tells me she is so proud of me for exiting a toxic marriage while my kids were very young. I cherish her so much because it is a rarity to be told this especially if you have young children. Anyone who has gotten divorced knows what I am talking about.
She is now in her 40s and has her own children. She is in a loving marriage with a guy he calls her best friend. She jokes that she actually really likes him even after all of these years of marriage. Being around them you can tell they have a wonderful, loving relationship.
Growing up, her parents marriage did not resemble this at all. There was constant fighting, yelling, drama, and chaos. Her mom and dad did not go a single day without fighting and arguing.
For her growing up, it was a completely chaotic and a very stressful living environment. She did not want to be at home and have to deal with the constant fighting. Once she was in high school she starting going over to friend’s houses and tried to spend as little time at home as possible. She never brought anyone home or had sleepovers with her friends because she was completely embarrassed by her parents behavior and the amount of tension in the home. She was ashamed of her home environment and felt like she had to cover up what was really going on.
Right after she left for college, her parents announced they were getting a divorce. They said they wanted to stay for the kids while they were growing up and since she was the youngest and going off to college, they had put in their time and fulfilled their parental duty and obligations by staying together. They now were done with the marriage and going their separate ways. They thought it was for best that they stayed together while the kids were at home for they stuck it out despite despising each other.
She told them she really would have preferred they had gotten divorced years ago. That she had been miserable growing up in that environment and barely could tolerate spending any time there.
When I was feeling really down on myself one day I revealed to her that I felt like a terrible person and mother for “breaking up the family.” I had been told this a few times and how I was screwing up my kids for life. I took it to heart and it was such a burden to bear.
She gave me the biggest hug and said “I sincerely wish my parents had done what you were brave enough to do and hadn’t stayed for the kids. Growing up would have been a completely different experience and a much happier one.”
People think it is always the right thing to do to stay for the kids.
But if it’s a choice between staying in a traumatizing, stressful environment or splitting up into two households where the kids can feel happy, safe, and cared for in comforting environment, the latter is much better than the former.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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