Why the ‘Talking Stage’ Is a Waste of Time

Dating is all about action. Because intimacy, love, and commitment don’t magically show up one day. It all starts with effort and intention.

Calculated risks.

For many though, dating is all about titles and inaction.

This is what we call the ‘talking stage.’ That weird gray area that we can get stuck in before we even think about those big, scary words ‘dating,’ ‘commitment,’ and ‘relationship.’

Thus, the talking stage is a waste of time because it’s not real.

You don’t actually have to put yourself through it.

It’s a self-created barrier. That’s why texting someone for days or weeks doesn’t mean you’re getting closer; in fact, it leads many people into situationships.

We’re simply filling our time with unnecessary distractions.

Here’s what I mean, I once dated a girl who insisted on doing ‘virtual dates’ before we ever went on a real, in person date.

She had to be REALLY sure about me before going out.

So we set up a Discord voice chat and streamed this weird anime together a couple of times. We’d talk or chat while watching it.

What ended up happening is we talked for a couple weeks before she could decide she was ready before meeting me. I get that it’s important to be careful about meeting strangers, but let’s be real here, we were meeting at a coffee shop out in public.

And it’s not like I’m that weird…

We texted for weeks and when I did meet her, it was clear she was not the right girl for me.

Fortunately, that wasted time led me to a girl I was actually into about a week later, but still, many people can waste not only weeks, but months (or even years) talking to the wrong people.

Real dating doesn’t require a whole lot of ‘talking’

We think that love and relationships start with and are built upon extravagant, long, drawn-out, and elaborate ‘deep dives’ with other people.

The truth is far simpler.

Meet someone (whether it’s online or in person)
Spark attraction: be funny, interesting, confident, and most importantly, be flirtatious
Then you connect emotionally
Move forward. Make a decision

If you find yourself in the ‘talking phase,’ ask yourself what your goals are.

Are you just trying to have a pen pal?

If you expect to take your relationships to the next level, what happens if the ‘right’ moment never comes?

If you’re looking for something more serious, why are you waiting to make the next move?

It’s like someone who wants to get fit. They do endless research about the best sports equipment. They go on Amazon and spend hours picking out the best workout gear, protein powder, and accessories.

They join fitness blogs, read articles about ‘how to work out,’ and they use all their time to plan out their routines.

But they never get started. Or if they do, their actions are non-committal and wishy-washy. Sound familiar?

That’s the ‘talking phase’ with a different face.

Go on dates within 3 to 7 days

Important: The clock is ticking! In general, after you get her number, you have between three and seven days to get her out on a date before the trail goes cold. The longer you put it off, the less likely it is you’ll meet up with her.

— Connell Barret, Dating Sucks, but You Don’t

You don’t build attraction by cycling through texting and conversation. It just doesn’t work that way.

I found that I always had success with women when I moved quickly. I didn’t hesitate to make a move or ask for a date.

I’d be spontaneous and ask “Hey, let’s have dinner tonight”
If the chemistry was right, I’d go for the kiss or get her to come to bed with me
As I’ve learned what I don’t want and what doesn’t work for me, I stopped chasing unavailable women and moved on

In all of these scenarios, I had two choices: Hesitate, over think, and kick things down the road, or accept the risk and take decisive action.

If you’re frustrated by being in the endless talking stage, it’s time to set boundaries in your relationship. For greater insight on this, download your copy of my boundary cheat sheet here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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