Why They Keep You Around but Never Choose You

Situationships can feel like emotional rollercoasters at times. There’s nothing more confusing than when someone keeps you around and gets close to you… only to never commit to you. The worst part is when they breadcrumb you to keep you emotionally invested in them, even though they have no plans of ever putting a title on it.

Have you ever wondered why people do this? There is an explanation for it. Here’s why some people keep you around but never choose you.

1. Their Attachment Style

The research shows that attachment theory is huge when it comes to how close someone gets to their partner. Studies have found that people with avoidant attachment styles are strongly linked to staying emotionally close to a romantic interest but avoiding commitment.

And it makes sense. Avoidants tend to pull away from romantic interests when things get serious. Even though someone with an avoidant attachment style might really love you, they struggle to choose you because commitment can feel scary to them.

2. The Investment Model

Research shows that the investment model of commitment may explain why some people stay but don’t commit.

According to this model, commitment in a relationship isn’t determined only by feelings. There are other factors that determine whether someone commits, including:

Whether someone is satisfied with the dynamic.
The amount of time, emotions, and resources someone invests.
Whether they believe that better options are available.

The investment model of commitment says that someone can remain in a relationship dynamic, where they text, care about someone, and spend time with them, without actually choosing to commit to them. The reasons could be that they’re satisfied enough, that they’ve invested a lot of time and energy in the dynamic, and that they don’t see better alternatives.

This leads to a situationship with no real defined relationship or commitment.

3. Fear of Commitment (and Fear of Being Alone)

Sometimes, people are afraid of commitment. Research shows that fear of commitment is a very common reason why people stay in situationships and undefined relationships. People with commitmentphobia would rather stay in a situationship, even when they’re only seeing one person.

It might sound contradictory, but it’s also common for people with commitment/phobia to fear being alone. This is a very well-documented psychological pattern, and it can explain why people might keep you around but never actually choose you.

The commitmentphobe might continue to text you, spend time with you, and prioritize you because they’re afraid of being by themselves… even though they’re too afraid of committing to an exclusive relationship.

4. Patterns That Feel Familiar to Them

People tend to be drawn to relationship patterns that feel familiar to their upbringing. If someone grew up with parents who were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, and distant, they might find themselves subconsciously falling into the same relationship patterns in adulthood. This often leads to emotional highs and lows, creating a hot-and-cold “rollercoaster” dynamic for both of you.

What to Do If You Want Commitment

If you notice that someone is keeping you around but not actually choosing you, it might be time to reevaluate the situation. If you want a committed relationship and not just a situationship, it might be time to ask yourself the following questions:

Am I being treated the way I want to be treated?
Do their words align with their actions?
Does this person want the same things as me? Are we on the same page?
Am I wasting my time?

It’s important to consider whether or not you’re willing to accept being stuck in a situationship or if you want more. And if you do want more, it’s best to communicate with the other person about your dating intentions, expectations, and boundaries. If they’re still unwilling to make a real commitment, it might be time to move on.

The Bottom Line

There is a psychological reason that explains why someone keeps you around but never fully chooses you. This pattern is rooted deep in psychological patterns.

But it’s important to remember that while there are reasons someone may prefer a situationship over commitment, that doesn’t excuse their behavior. You deserve the commitment that you want. Getting off the hot-and-cold relationship rollercoaster leaves the door open to someone who’s emotionally able and willing to give you what you want so you can work towards a healthy, stable relationship.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.