I don’t think anyone has ever asked me about love. Like, “Do you really love him? or Can you feel the chemistry and the magic inside?”
I guess love is too vague to be understood. Just like the word “God,” I mean everybody knows that there is god but never really feels its presence. So sometimes we doubt it or believe that “God” will reveal itself only for special people. And we don’t think we are that special, so we forget it.
The same goes with love; we think it’s only for others but not for us. We think that we don’t deserve love. This happens unconsciously; we may not realize it because we are accustomed to believing that we’re not enough. We praise others highly, but we look down on ourselves silently.
The Biggest Obstacle To Love: Unresolved Childhood Trauma
Our beliefs and perceptions on how we see our self are the biggest obstacles ever. These are the foundations that we should work on first. No bargaining. Period. We are a doll that has been programmed since the day we were born.
Almost every relationship on this earth is dysfunctional at first. Our parents were unloved, unseen, and unheard. They passed down and projected all of their unconsciousness to us. We act like a sponge and absorb all of their pain as the truth and the core foundations to live our life.
We have an enmeshment childhood. We don’t know what our values are and how to live according to our best interests. We lived according to the value that our parents will benefit from. So yeah, basically, we are a doll that serves a purpose only to fulfilled our parent’s desire.
I know most people hate to talk about this. The longer you avoid dealing with your own childhood shadows, the more suffering or, should I say, lessons that you will partake.
How can we feel love if we didn’t know ourselves?
This is how the universe guides us by always presenting and reminding us of what we should be doing to live our lives in the best version ever.
. . .
Know Thyself First
After dealing with the resistance from childhood, then it’s time to dig deep into ourselves. Re-invent and re-create yourself by asking these questions:
- Who are you without your name, job, money, status, and roles?
- Why are you here? What is your purpose on this earth?
- What do you want to do that will brings you joy?
- What qualities do you want to have?
- Do you know that you’re loved, enough, and worthy already without doing anything?
- What is love to you? Can you feel it inside you first?
It’s very crucial to know deeply about ourselves. It’s like the blueprint and the map if you want to build a beautiful house.
Our heart is the microcosms, and the outer world is the macro cosmos. The micro and macro always mirroring each other.
So if you want to feel love, loved yourself first unconditionally. Loving ourselves unconditionally meaning loving the light and darkness of all that is. If you shove everything you don’t want under the carpet, it will only multiply, and the gap will be insurmountable. Unconditional love means Unity of oneself.
. . .
Love is Not Meant To Be Chased
People jump off too quickly into others chasing love, manipulating others to get love and own it. It’s like playing the zero-sum game: one win and one loss.
Most are jumping from one person into another because they’re afraid to be alone. The more we chase it, the more love will hide from us. Love doesn’t like to be chased. Love has dignity and its own magic. You can’t chase magic — it will disappear before your eyes.
Instead, attract love by becoming love first. Seduce love with your wholeness and powerful magnitude force from your heart. The more pure your heart is, the love will be greater more than you ever imagine. Love will come to you almost effortlessly. It’s like magic.
The only thing you need to do is to say, “Hello.”
. . .
Love is Not a Possession
Sometimes I love you means that I own you and you should make me happy according to my imagination and I also will play the same imaginary scene that you’ve wished for.
I love you mostly mean that I love my idea about you. We are in love with the idea of the person we create inside our head, but it’s not the real person.
We’re unconsciously demanding that person to be the same as in our imagination. How crazy is this? We blamed them when they did something that is not as we wished for. As if they are a doll that we possess.
I used to be a trophy wife that follow what my former partner and their family says. I was too afraid because if I speak my truth, they usually will laugh and invalidate me. Because I wanted to be loved, so I conform to their agenda dan rules. But now, I’m so grateful for this experience.
Love is when you’re free to be authentic. Yes, it needs a gazillion of courage, and yes, it will invoke anger in people. And yes, you should train yourself not to be bothered by what others think of you. Love can’t be possessed nor own — Love should be free.
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Sacrificing is Not Love
My mother and my in-law told me, “You always have to understand and accept him no matter what because nobody is ever perfect for each other, so you have to make it work. And if you’re sad, go shopping or distract yourself. We’re all doing it, and we’re just fine.”
I think I am the first member of the whole lineage who verbally disagrees with this. I know that this is a big NO for me. There is something wrong with all the marriage thing. Everybody is sacrificing themself and distract themself all the time. Being busy from morning until night to escape from themselves.
They sacrifice their truth and their unique voice to make a difference in this world by conforming to the fear and rigid ridiculous society safety net.
When you love someone, you will take their best interest as a part of yourself. So, when some things need to change, it will not feel like sacrificing at all. It would happen naturally because their happiness is yours too. It will be an easy adjustment that you’ll not even need to think about it. It will feel like dancing — flowing and easy like a Sunday morning.
. . .
Love is Not Enough
Be careful when someone says, “But, I love you…”
When you love someone, there will be no but. They say but because there is something that they‘re avoiding or they didn’t want to do. “But, I love you…” is a manipulative sentence.
Love also means deep listening, understanding, freedom, compatibility, and vulnerability. When these aspects aren’t embodied, then it’s NOT love. It is as simple as that. We can feel it in our gut, but usually, we ignore the red flags because of fear.
When you were mostly tiptoeing around them because you don’t want to make them mad, it’s not love.
When you are afraid to speak about how hurtful his words are, it’s not love.
When you want to wear that sexy dress, and he forbids, it’s not love.
Love is when you have to let your children go
This is the most profound love I’ve ever experience. After I asked for a divorce, my ex wants to take our two children to live with him. I can see them every two weeks. Of course, at first, I didn’t accept it. But deep down, I knew that this situation is needed right now. The condition is always perfect, and I trust myself.
So, I surrender to that moment. I knew that love is energy, and energy can go beyond time and space. When you truly love someone, you have to let them go in peace. I knew that this is just a temporary moment. The most important thing is when I close my eyes, I can see both of them smiling back at me.
Even though we are separated, but our hearts will always be together. I guess this kind of love makes me closer to my soul. This is how you know that the love is real.
. . .
Love will feel like sorbet, sunshine, and freedom.
Love will make you dance and jump.
Love will make you youthful and gorgeous.
Love will make you do silly fun things.
Love will make you laugh until you cry.
Love will feel like home and freedom at the same time.
Deep inside, you already know whether it’s love or not. You pretend like you don’t know—wink wink.
This post was previously published on Medium.
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