Why We Choose the Wrong Partners — and How to Break the Cycle

The Psychology behind why we gravitate toward partners who are not our best match.

Photo by Min An: https://www.pexels.com/photo/monochrome-photo-of-couple-holding-hands-1004014/
Have you ever asked yourself the following?

Why do I keep attracting ____________?
Why do I pursue people who treat me terribly?
Why is every person I pursue unavailable in some way?
Why do I stay in unhealthy/toxic relationships?

If you’ve ever asked any of the above and are interested in not only understanding these patterns, but breaking them— this article is for you.

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I’ve asked myself some of these questions and frankly, I wish I’d done so sooner. Maybe it could have shaved a few years of emotional anguish, self-loathing, and feelings of emptiness off my early 20’s.

My pattern was pretty predictable— Find an someone emotionally unavailable, fixate on them, anticipate what they likes, engage in actions/behaviors that I think will draw them to me, gain their attention and approval, feel accomplished, possibly date for a little while, get bored/frustrated/unfulfilled, end the relationship, rinse — wash — repeat.

Being the psychologist in training that I was at the time, I started asking myself — How is this pattern serving me? Because, I wouldn’t find myself in the same unfulfilling, unhealthy relationships if it wasn’t “serving me” in some way.

Eventually, I began to understand exactly how it was serving me.

My pattern was founded on a drive for redemption — An endless quest informed by a misguided assumption that I was not inherently deserving of being loved. That love is something I must earn. I must hustle to prove my worthiness.

My hope is that this post will offer you some insight into your own relationship patterns, while also offering tangible strategies to break the cycle.

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From a psychological perspective, our choices in romantic partners aren’t random. They are often deeply rooted in subconscious forces shaped by past experiences, attachment styles, and even sociocultural conditioning.

The following are a few theories that offer insight about why we tend to gravitate toward partners who are not the healthiest fit for us — and, more importantly, how to break the cycle.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth. It explains how early relationships with caregivers influence the way we bond with romantic partners.

Based on attachment research, there are 3 forms of insecure attachment. A person’s attachment style can inform the type of partners they pursue and how we tend to engage in romantic relationships.

Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment: This form of attachment is rooted in a deep seeded fear of abandonment, and fear of rejection (which ultimately elicits anxiety surrounding the anticipation of possible abandonment).

Individuals with this style of attachment may pursue partners who are emotionally unavailable partners. There are several possible reasons this may occur:

If your caregivers were inconsistent. unavailable, and/or distant, you may subconsciously gravitate toward avoidant partners, who exhibit a similar level of distance, inconsistency, and unpredictability.
You may pursue avoidant partners because their level of availability evokes heightened emotional arousal and an intense focus on winning the their affection. You remain hooked — essentially becuase your brain believes the pursuit for this person’s affection promotes the possibility of redemption or resolving underlying attachment wounds.

Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment: Avoidant attachment is rooted in early childhood experiences in which a child’s caregivers were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to their needs. This causes the child to learn to suppress their own emotional needs and avoid seeking closeness in relationships as a coping mechanism. Basically, the child learns that when they cannot rely on their caregiver to meet their needs, prompting them to withdraw and become heavily self-reliant.

Individuals with this style of attachment may pursue partners who don’t demand deep emotional intimacy, reinforcing their avoidance of vulnerability and allowing them to maintain their sense of independence, or remain in the comfort of not relying on or depending on anyone other than themselves.

Or, they may long for a close connected relationship; however, their fear of rejection impedes their ability (or willingness) to fully connect with a romantic partner. These individuals may enjoy the initial excitement of a relationship. However, when the relationship progresses, naturally requiring a higher degree of emotional intimacy, they may withdrawal, end the relationship (or not even commit to the relationship in the first place), and/or engage in behaviors aimed at sabotaging the relationship.

They may also seek other emotionally unavailable partners out of familiarity. They may feel “safe” in that their respective partner’s inability or unwillingness to express emotional vulnerability, as this makes them feel less pressure for mutual vulnerability. However, paradoxically, they may also feel rejected by their partner’s emotional unavailability, which may prompt them to distance themselves or withdrawal. Ultimately, this may contribute to a “living parallel lives dynamic.”

Disorganized/Fearful Attachment: This form of insecure attachment is rooted in early childhood experiences in which a child’s caregiver(s) displayed inconsistent, unpredictable, and possibly frightening behaviors. This may include alternating between nurturing and neglectful or abusive actions. The child may feel unsafe and unable to rely on their caregiver for comfort and security; essentially, the caregiver who is necessary for their survival is also a source of fear.

Individuals with this style of attachment may vacillate between longing for closeness/connection and being terrified of vulnerability/intimacy. They may be inclined to pursue partners who engage in a similar level of instability that they experienced in childhood.

Essentially, we pursue chaos because chaos feels like home.

Repetition Compulsion: Reliving Unresolved Wounds

Sigmund Freud introduced the concept of repetition compulsion — the unconscious drive to recreate unresolved conflicts (or traumas) from childhood.

This may explain why you might repeatedly choose partners who mirror your caregivers’ negative traits, such as emotional neglect or criticism. Based on this perspective, you may be subconciously driven by the desire to “fix” the original wound by succeeding in the relationship. Essentially, repeating the same pattern and hoping for a different outcome.

Unfortunately, these patterns often reinforce the pain instead of resolving it.

Projection: Seeing What You Need in Others

Carl Jung’s theory of projection suggests that we often project our unmet needs and desires onto romantic partners.

From this perspective, individuals may idealize prospective partners, inadvertently placing a burden on the partner to fulfill a specific role.

For instance, if you struggle with your sense of self-worth, you might idealize a partner who appears confident and strong, hoping they will “complete” you.

In this regard, they may seek partners that perpetuate a savior dynamic rather than a partnership.

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Sociocultural Conditioning: The Myth of “The One”

Society often feeds us unrealistic views about love (e.g., the myth of the spark, twin flames, the one, etc). These myths can set us up for disappointment, leading us to chase partners who fit a romantic ideal rather than someone who meets our real needs.

We may find ourselves pursuing some romanticized version of what we think love should look like, which may prompt us to discard certain partners when we feel they do not meet the “criteria” we are looking for.

We may also find ourselves pursuing partners based on familial or cultural expectations — such as pursing a partner with a certain “status,” income, appearence, etc. If you have ever told yourself he/she/they “check all the boxes,” your patterns may be victim to this category of influence.

Neurobiology: The Chemistry of Attraction

Our brains play a significant role in romantic attraction. The early stages of infatuation are driven by dopamine and oxytocin, which can cloud judgment and make us overlook red flags.

This chemical rush might explain why we’re drawn to partners who excite us, even if they’re ultimately a poor match. The sayings “love is like a drug” or “breakup is like going through withdrawal”, reflect how romantic attraction can operate on our dopamine pathways or reward system (similar to certain substances).

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How to Break the Cycle

Breaking the cycle of choosing the wrong partners involves a combination of self-awareness, inner healing, and intentional work. Here are some practical steps:

Explore Your Inner World: Engage in therapy, turn inward with curiosity of your patterns, rather than judgment. Consider journaling to uncover subconscious patterns and unmet needs.
Explore Core Beliefs: Question the stories you tell yourself about love, such as “I’m not worthy of a healthy relationship” or “Love has to be hard.”
Set Boundaries: Learn how to “zoom out,” observing your patterns from a third person perspective. Find common themes or red flags from past relationships. Learn what boundaries are necessary for your protection and well-being in relationships. Brainstorm barriers to setting and maintaining those boundaries in the context of romantic relationships (e.g., do you fear your partner will pull away if you set a specific boundary?)
Cultivate Self-Love: Build a fulfilling relationship with yourself. When you value and nurture yourself, you’re less likely to settle for unhealthy dynamics. Even if you have not reached a point of actually “believing” in your worth, showing yourself love and treating yourself with respect facilitates a sense of inner trust. Examine your experiences from a place of love, compassion, and curiosity rather than judgment or shame. Shame is a terrible motivator for change.
Take It Slow: Be patient with the process. Remember to ask what value a prospective partner brings to your life, rather than focusing solely on if they feel you bring value to theirs. Allow relationships to unfold naturally, focusing on mutual respect and compatibility rather than rushing into love.

Types of theraputic modalities to explore and break these patterns:

Psychodynamic Therapy — provides insight into unconscious motivations and early childhood experiences that influence current relationship dynamics, allowing individuals to identify and understand the root causes of their repetitive behaviors, ultimately enabling them to make conscious choices towards healthier interactions with others.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy — Helps individuals to identify and understand the “parts” of themselves that are driving their behaviors in relationships, which often stem from childhood experiences, and then work to heal and integrate those parts, leading to healthier interactions with partners by accessing a more grounded and compassionate “Self” state.
Attachment based therapy — can help individuals understand how their early childhood experiences with caregivers shaped their attachment style, allowing them to identify and address the underlying reasons behind their current relationship behaviors, ultimately leading to the development of healthier connection patterns with others.
Functional Analytic Psychotherapy — focuses on real-time interpersonal behaviors and their impact on relationships. Rooted in behavioral science, FAT emphasizes awareness of relational habits, fostering deeper emotional connections, and practicing healthier ways of interacting during therapy itself.

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Again, I value any comments/feedback you may have after reading this article. I hope you find some of the information useful as you embark on a path toward establishing healthier, more connected relationships. I love this topic and will post more in depth perspectives soon!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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