Most people often make certain mistakes when feeling really close to another person. One of such mistakes is believing that their partner can read their mind per se. People are fond of making assumptions while avoiding the hard conversations, especially in their most intimate relationships.
The consequence of this is the feeling of betrayal often experienced. People feel betrayed when their partners does something contrary to their held assumption. This is the case despite the fact that their partner had no clue at all.
A lot of relationship misunderstandings is largely due to the attitude taken by couples towards communication. Thus the right communication attitude needs to be set from the very start of a relationship.
When you meet and develop attraction for someone new, chances are they will know some of the major assumptions about you. These may at least be the ones that your new partner believes might be areas of contention for both of you.
However, do they know what kind of activities you consider to be “dating” appropriate? Are they aware of the “unwritten social codes” that are important to you?
Not everybody has the same thoughts as you, and that includes even the closest people to you. And as you very well know, not everybody follows the social codes that you feel are important.
Thus, it’s important to talk about your individual “unwritten codes” early on in a new relationship. Hold discussions about what exactly are the things you find acceptable and unacceptable?
Having The Hard Conversations
This seems like essentially pre-loading the hard conversations early on in the relationship. And you wouldn’t be any further from the truth.
I feel it is a good idea to make these hard conversations the front burner. This should be the case especially when you have a rough idea of what they are likely to be.
There are “hard conversations” that confront every relationship from the get-go. However, this realization should not stop us from doing the needful. You need to hold these discussions as at when due and in the most good-natured manner.
This perceived difficulty often makes us to overlook the satisfaction that we can experience after having these hard conversations. Most of us lack an intrinsic understanding of how profound this experience can be. It is bliss to be able to talk about and negotiate the boundaries of a new relationship in which we are happy and safe in.
Create more time to have open, honest, soul bearing conversations with those you love or partner with.
We thus put strain on our relationships by comfortably assuming that our partner’s unwritten codes are harmonious with ours. It is always best to thoroughly discuss the various distinctions we might have with our partners.
Effectively doing this will save us of a lot of heartaches down the road. For instance, you might not want your partner to tell you about their past sex life. Their knowledge of your position on this helps them to avoid risking upsetting you.
Why So Much Assumptions?
There is this general idea that everybody knows what a relationship is all about. As a result, a lot of people find themselves putting their faith in “unwritten rules” and “unspoken social codes.” This is very unfortunate for budding relationships.
It is obvious that there is a general apathy towards spelling everything out ahead of time. Most people feel there is no need to bring up the issue “since we both already know them.”
There’s also the issue of couples feeling there’s something magical about understandings reached without discussions. Many believe that the shared intimacy between couples should make them naturally attuned to each other.
This is however a deeper truth to this. Most of us assume things mostly as a way to avoid any potential truths. In reality, we make assumptions to avoid those tender, difficult and essential conversations that actually fortify a loving relationship.
Being conflict-avoidant allow us to move forward while avoiding the opportunity of critically examining issues about our relationship.
What concerns me is not the way things are, but rather the way people think things are.
For this reason, a lot of people tend to avoid saying what they are really feeling. It also prevents them from knowing what their partners want and need. As a result, they end up not knowing what their relationships need at that particular moment.
Assumptions, in any guise or form, simply makes a relationship insecure. Having too many assumptions about our responsibilities and agreements is very unhealthy. They only serve one purpose and that is to undermine feelings of stability, trust, or faith.
Yet, it is important to state that conflict avoidance can be of some benefit to a relationship. It is something you need to have “a little bit of” to succeed in a relationship.
What do I mean? I’m talking about the ability to pick your battles. You need it during those times when you need to bite back unnecessary criticism, stuffs like that. Too much of it is where it becomes a big problem.
The Need to Communicate More
For love relationships to thrive, there is a great need for couples to talk a lot. The more the healthier communication between couples, the stronger the relationship tends to be.
Couples need to talk more about what they want and expect from their partners. With more intimate discussions, they are way more likely to achieve better results.
Thus couples need to avoid going silent and try to let things work themselves out or something. This can only lead to frustration in the relationship.
When we talk about our feelings they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.
– Dr. John Gottman
It is very reassuring when you know where your partner stands on an issue in your relationship. Such knowledge helps to clear out any form of unnecessary ambiguity. It equally helps in building the foundations for future growth and rooting.
It is however unfortunate that some couples consider it limiting and worrying to discuss issues bordering on setting boundaries. Just because it is “no fun” talking about such issues does not rule out their importance in the success of the relationship.
If your desire is to have a successful relationship, discussing things in person with your partner is imperative. Learn how best to discuss with your partner during hard conversations without becoming angry.
Knowledge is power but assumptions literally takes away that power from your relationship. Keeping the lines of effective communication open is what can help you to restore the power back.
While communication is perhaps the toughest thing to get right, it is also the most rewarding. Therefore, get the tools that can help you make awkward communication easier – it is well worth it!
The bottom line is that no relationship will endure for long by avoiding these hard conversations. So, if you truly value your relationship and want it to succeed, you need to have that hard conversation.
This post was previously published on loving-relationship.com and is republished on Medium.
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