If you’re someone who finally had enough of the bad boys and the bare minimum, but this new seemingly healthy relationship feels dull, you might want to keep reading.
There are certainly a hundred reasons why a relationship might start to feel dull and static; Lack of intimacy or effort, not spending quality time together, surface-level conversations, and slipping into a routine instead of bringing excitement into the relationship every now and then. These among numerous others are genuine issues that lead to the slow death of a relationship.
You will find countless articles and podcasts explaining in great detail why your relationship has become bland and how you can bring life back to it, but I’m not going to get into that.
I want to address the people who seemingly have an incredible partner and a strong relationship, but can’t seem to shake the feeling that ‘something is missing’.
A lot of people have grown up in toxic families surrounded by drama and chaos so often that this has become the norm. Loud noises, yelling, and swearing are the routine. Most people feel distressed in such circumstances but adapt. When it is time to go out into the world, they usually end up in patterns that seem familiar to their nervous system.
‘Be careful of what feels like home if home was never peaceful’
People who are brought up by emotionally unavailable or unpredictable caretakers who fail to meet their emotional needs, such people are usually drawn to emotionally immature and unstable partners in adult life.
A disordered chain reaction leads to them dating people who are clearly bad for them, but the familiarity of chaos keeps them hooked.
Human brains have a great capability to adapt to any situation if exposed long enough, but the ability to let go of that fight or flight mode is not that great. When a trigger is formed inside the brain, it takes years and years to rewire that signal. When such a person finally spots their unhealthy patterns and takes the necessary steps to get out of it, that is when the actual challenge starts.
A relationship based on inconsistency, drama, and insecurity gives you a dopamine hit with every message notification after hours of waiting, at every date after days of begging, and on every compliment after frequent emotional abuse.
The highs feel euphoric because the lows are destructive.
When you spend all of your energy chasing and crying after someone, you assume the overwhelming obsession is what love feels like. It’s not.
A healthy relationship does not give you butterflies, it does not feel like a rollercoaster.
A safe and secure relationship with an emotionally available partner feels peaceful at first but soon turns into dull and mundane. Because people are so used to inconsistency and volatility that stability feels hollow. In a secure relationship, you are not anticipating their moves or predicting their responses.
A healthy partner who is consistent, predictable, keeps you updated, and leaves no room for doubt creates a void in your mind, a void where anxiety used to live. You can choose to fill that space with love and tranquility.
Remember, a healthy love ebbs and flows. It is not a circus; it won’t keep you entertained all the time.
It is not boredom you feel, it is peace.
Allow yourself to let go of the pattern, and relax. Let yourself be loved the way you deserve.
You are not bored, you are safe.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: mari lezhava on Unsplash
