Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners

If you’ve ever dated someone who’s emotionally unavailable, then you know how it goes. They’ll get close to you and string you along, but they won’t fully commit to you.

Have you found yourself falling into this same cycle of relationships? Does it feel like every person you get involved in ends up breaking your heart?

You’re not alone. Many people end up attracting multiple romantic interests who won’t show up for them fully.

The good news is, there is a real psychological explanation for why this happens. Once you understand this heartbreaking cycle, you can break it.

Here’s why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable people.

Inconsistency Feels Familiar

Emotionally unavailable partners often have avoidant attachment styles.

Research has found that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to attract avoidant partners. Those with anxious attachment were raised by parents who showed love inconsistently, so partners with avoidant attachment styles can feel familiar and safe, even though their inconsistency and emotional distance can be hurtful.

You Have Low Self-Worth

Many people don’t believe they deserve love. Having low self-worth and low self-esteem can make you feel like you need to accept whatever love you’ve given, even if it’s not the love that you are truly deserving of.

If you’ve only been with emotionally unavailable partners in the past, secure love can feel scary. It might even feel suspicious.

Unpredictable Love Can Feel Addicting

Research has found that toxic connections can be addictive. When a romantic partner shows affection and consistency in an unpredictable way that emotionally unavailable people do, our brains release dopamine (the chemical that’s involved in addiction).

An emotionally unavailable partner gives you just enough consistency to stay hooked, but not enough to actually feel a sense of security or stability. Over time, your brain begins to recognize emotional withdrawal as intensity, leading to addictive highs and lows when an emotionally unavailable partner comes around. The end result? You end up addicted to them and in a cycle that’s difficult to break — even with future partners.

You’re Self-Sabotaging

Sometimes people fall into a cycle of dating emotionally unavailable partners out of fear. It could mean that you’re afraid of being with someone who commits fully, either because you’re not ready to take things to the next level or because you have a fear of abandonment. You might be afraid of what a future with an emotionally secure partner could look like.

If you continuously fall for the same type of emotionally unavailable partner over and over again, it might be worth seeking therapy. It could be a protective mechanism on your end that you need to dive into deeper.

So, How Do You Break the Pattern?

It’s important to understand why you’ve fallen into a cycle of emotionally unavailable partners. Identifying your attachment style, becoming aware of your emotional triggers, and setting boundaries are important.

Most importantly, let your partner know your needs. If you want a commitment, don’t settle for anything less. Consider getting a therapist to better understand what’s led you to fall into toxic relationships, and just know that you are worth someone who emotionally invests in you.

Once you’ve been with more than one emotionally unavailable partner, it can feel like you’re doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over again. But with a little self-love and self-work, this doesn’t have to be your story.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.