Why You Will Never Settle Down on Dating Apps Like Tinder and Bumble

Swiping on the Date

Richard checks his phone, eyes narrowed to his brightly-lit screen, the vibrant colors of his apps and screensaver reflect into a sherbet-like swirl on his black-framed glasses. He shifts in his seat, his eyes zipping across his last few messages on Tinder.

It has been 30 minutes.

I sat there, glaring at him. Attempting to use telepathy (something women believe all men have) I try and insert my thoughts into his, telling him I’d like to leave.

Clearly ignoring my inner thoughts, I instead use telekinesis and, with my secret power of mind control, shove the basket of bread towards him and allow it to topple over his pants. Garlic explodes upwards in a mushroom cloud of green, buttery flakes.

Richard dropped his phone on the table, his mouth agape.

“Hey! Why didn’t you catch that bread?” He cries as he immediately springs up and brushes the mess off of his jeans.

Why didn’t I catch a basket of bread that flew across the table over to his side of the booth? For one, I’m not the Flash, I can’t swoosh in a millisecond to catch baskets of bread. Two, I pushed it. (It might have been the hip of our scurrying waiter but I’d like to think I did it with my mind.)

We were on our second date.

On our first date, I was not entirely attracted to him and immediately felt a lack of chemistry between us. When I attempted to politely end things, Richard pushed for a second date and claimed he had been exhausted from working a 12-hour shift. Things would be better on the second date, he swore.

On our second date, he spent the entire night on his phone shopping through various Tinder and Bumble profiles.

Fifteen minutes after my bread bomb, and impending yeast infection, I walked off the date and, like Richard, I spent the rest of the night swiping left and right through a variety of dating profiles on Bumble, feeling entitled to a rematch for someone that can serve me better.

With dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, we will always find someone to fill the spot of our recently failed date. And, it is why I will never go back to dating apps.

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Online Dating

Dating apps like Tinder, EHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Hinge, Bumble, and many more have taken over the world.

The idea that someone newer and better is always around the corner and that we never have to settle has been recycled and regurgitated.

Even when you do find someone special on dating apps and you attempt to delete your profile, Tinder and Bumble encourage pausing it instead. It embeds the idea that we can immediately come back when our beau inevitably does not work out.

My years of experience on dating apps (POF, Tinder, OKCupid, Hinge, Bumble) has opened my eyes to a lot of things I have done wrong and to online dating advice that has encouraged toxic traits in some dating app users.

Despite meeting my boyfriend through Bumble (and even a few nice guys through Plenty of Fish and Tinder) it is not something I would go back to.

Every mindset and intention is different but when it comes to the problematic dynamics of dating apps, there are three issues that consistently sprout out.

The Issues

Impatience — The dater who rushes to meet any potential date, despite incompatibility issues or red flags.
Too much variety —The dater who has a variety of options, making it difficult to commit to just one person.
Non-Negotiable Demands — The dater who demands someone at their best while being their worst.

Impatience

The impatient dater will ignore red flags, bypass incompatibility issues, and fly to the nearest restaurant in a race they have created in their own head. Or, perhaps they needed plans for Friday night.

Their Bumble photos are kind of cute. Their Bumble bio has nothing on it except their age and the same recycled pick-up line found on 30 other profiles, and they claim to seek what you are seeking. And, after exchanging phone numbers you discover their hidden talent for responding with no more than four words.

How DOES he do it?

The impatient dater can be an optimist and decides not to judge a Bumble profile by it’s cover, holding the underlying hope there is actual life behind that phone screen.

Plus, taking a chance on a Bumble date on a Friday night beats binge watching Netflix and impatiently waiting for your dead vibrator to charge to full capacity. For others, maybe it beats playing World of War Craft and making eye contact with the sexy, voluptuous shape of the lotion bottle on their nightstand.

Or, perhaps, impatience comes from a desire to quickly mend a broken heart and avoid seeing their blood stained bristled toothbrush in your bathroom.

“We used to improperly brush our teeth together,” You remember as you clutch your heart and wipe an imaginary tear from your eye.

Regardless of why the dater may be impatient (broken heart, pressure to marry, optimism), if red flags and issues are ignored before the date or on the date, heartbreak is imminent. With so many options (or maybe not enough compatible options) at the tip of your finger, patience is difficult.

Variety

Dating can be addictive. Especially with so many options.

This part may not be relevant to everyone. Women tend to have twice as many options as men. Dating apps like Tinder have a 9:1 ratio, (9 men for every 1 woman), and I believe 7:3 on Bumble.

However, variety is embedding the mindset that we don’t have to settle down with that ONE person, especially when there are people out there who may be fitter, funnier, and smarter.

Even when focused on one person, the idea that there are still plenty of other options out there on dating apps convinces them they don’t need to put up with certain behaviors.

“Hair in the sink?!” Your new partner Trevor may be thinking to himself. “If I can find time to make the bed, she can find time to watch her hair strands!”

Clearly, Trevor needs to find a bald woman.

Dating apps like Tinder might as well be called Mambo №5 because our lives are suddenly filled with names and options.

“A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need
A little bit of Tina is what I see” — Lou Bega, Mambo №5

Trying to focus on one person and allowing it to grow (or fail if it isn’t right) is healthier than holding the mindset that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Demanding The Best At Your Worst

Recently, there have been a lot of women who call themselves high-value queens and demand a high-value king. The issue is almost all of the women on dating apps are going after the same men who are handsome and perceived to be successful and high-caliber.

Then you have the men outside of that realm who call themselves kings and often demand women of a certain weight, body shape, and specific traits that suit their needs.

The issue is social media convinces everyone they are high-caliber because the opposite sex is: [insert negative stereotype here] and therefore they should not settle for less.

Men and women both complain about not attracting the person they want or think they deserve. Yet, the majority of the time they are not the person they would even choose to date.

The question becomes: Are you the high-value person you are asking for? Or, at the very least, do you share any of the same qualities you ask from a potential partner?

What Do We Really Want?

Some people carry the notion that they will better themselves, once they find a partner. It’s a self-defeating concept that takes you nowhere.

It all comes down to what we really want.

What kind of partner do we want? Are the ideals of this partner based on our wants and needs or someone else’s? Do I NEED dating apps to find this person or can I find them doing activities I love to do?

Most importantly, are we the type of person we, ourselves, would date?

Everyone can have preferences and desires for their partner but a relationship is give-and-take and in this modern society where narcissism runs deep in the veins of social media, everyone is focused on what are you offering me? Because if it is not enough, I will find someone else with the push of a button.

And that is why dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge are failing in creating serious connections and relationships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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