Why Your Ex Comes Back After You Finally Move On

We all know the drill: you’ve finally healed, regained your peace, and you’re in the process of rebuilding your life. And then they reach out.

Even though this feels like nothing more than a relationship cliche, there are real, science-proven, and psychological reasons why our ex-partners tend to come back around once you’re no longer interested. Let’s take a closer look at the psychological reasons why they come back around.

Lingering Feelings

According to data, approximately 40% to 50% of people reconnect with their ex at least once. And the most common reason? Lingering feelings.

Even when both people in the relationship move on temporarily, their attachment to one another might not resolve.

But why does it happen when you’ve moved on? Because of time and space. Over time, the initial shock and emotions of the breakup wear off. They’ll have the time and space they need to reflect on what led to the breakup and how much they miss you now that everything has settled down.

So when your ex comes back around, there’s a genuine possibility that they just haven’t moved on yet.

Nostalgia

There’s something so nostalgic about revisiting an old flame. It can happen at any time, which might just coincide with you moving on. Your ex might play a song that reminds them of you, or go to a restaurant you once frequented together, which might prompt them to reach out. Nostalgia can be dangerous because it can lead us to revisit old feelings, even when moving on is what’s best for both parties.

Familiarity and Fear of Dating Again

The reality is, dating again can be scary. There are so many unknowns. It takes some time to find a person you’re compatible with, whose life fits yours. There’s also the risk of rejection.

If we’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone, we tend to feel comfort and familiarity when we’re with them. Even if the relationship wasn’t perfect, familiarity often feels safe. And that emotional safety is what often leads our exes back to us.

Once some time has passed, they may have even explored the dating scene themselves. If they’ve experienced rejection or a connection that’s different from what they’re used to, they may try to reconnect with us for the emotional safety and predictability we offer.

Attachment Style

An individual’s attachment style can determine how (and why) your ex comes back after you finally move on.

According to research, people with anxious attachment are most likely to come back around. The breakup tends to cause them a lot of distress and difficulty letting go, which makes them want to try harder to reconcile. While they’re likely to reach out right away, they might give you some space to get over the hurt of the breakup.

Your ex may alsohave an anxious attachment style. Generally, when they come back around, they do so in cycles. They’ll breadcrumb you, disappear again, and then contact you later, instead of trying to make an actual commitment. Avoidants tend to feel smothered during the height of a relationship, so once you’re over it, they’ll feel less stress and pressure to communicate with you.

Regret

Many people look back on a relationship that’s ended and think, “What if?”

Regret can be a huge motivator to try to work things out. When someone regrets how things ended or how they treated you, they may want to make things right.

Research has found that emotional unfinished business can lead a person to try to reconcile with their ex even years after a breakup.

Ego and a Need for Validation

In some cases, your ex will come back around because they need validation. They want to feed their ego. They want to test the waters to see if they still have any emotional pull over you. They want to know if they can come back, even if they have no genuine plans to.

They’ll drop tiny breadcrumbs, pull away, and rinse and repeat just to see how long you’ll remain an option.

Should You Give Them Another Chance?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Each relationship is different.

If your ex comes back around, it’s important to pay attention to their intentions and motives. Have they apologized or tried to change their behavior, or are you falling back into the same pattern again? Are they being consistent this time around? Do they seem like they genuinely miss you and regret the relationship ending… or does it all seem like they’re trying to just get a reaction out of you? Are they breadcrumbing you, or are they consistently working towards a resolution? Are they making an effort to see you more frequently?

At the end of the day, your ex’s intentions matter. The last thing you want to do is fall into an on-again, off-again relationship. It’s unlikely to be successful over time, and the last thing you want is to be on an emotional rollercoaster filled with highs and lows.

True change requires growth, accountability, consistency, and consideration for the other person’s needs. If your ex is capable of those things, it might be worth giving it another go.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.