The conversation about Intimate Partner Violence that was sparked by Ray Rice’s actions is an important one, but of equal importance is the understanding that men can be victims, too.
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By now just about everyone has seen, or at least heard about, the video of Ray Rice knocking his then-fiancee unconscious in an elevator and then dragging her limp body into the lobby of a casino in Atlantic City last February. Rice has been released from his contract with the Baltimore Ravens, and he has been suspended indefinitely from the NFL. The incident itself, and the inevitable victim-blaming that has followed, has sparked a difficult and much-needed conversation surrounding domestic violence in both professional sports and our society as a whole.
The #WhyIStayed twitter campaign, begun by writer Beverly Gooden, is one amazing example of the conversation that has come out of the media’s reaction to the NFL decision. Acording to Mic, Gooden said:
“I was watching the responses to the TMZ video on my timeline, and I noticed a trend. People were asking ‘why did she marry him?’ and ‘why didn’t she leave him,'” Gooden told Mic. “When I saw those tweets, my first reaction was shame. The same shame that I felt back when I was in a violent marriage. It’s a sort of guilt that would make me crawl into a shell and remain silent. But today, for a reason I can’t explain, I’d had enough. I knew I had an answer to everyone’s question of why victims of violence stay. I can’t speak for Janay Rice, I can only speak for me.”
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeGooden decided to change the conversation. She called on her followers to share their stories of domestic abuse with the hashtag #WhyIStayed in an effort to draw awareness to the complexities of domestic violence…
“I want people to know they are not alone and that there are people who truly understand what they have gone through,” said Gooden. “When the overwhelming public voice is of shame, you can get lost in the guilt. You can feel voiceless. I want people to know that they have a voice! That they have the power. That’s so critical, that survivors feel empowered.”
But not only has Gooden empowered female survivors, a significant number of male survivors are participating in the #WhyIStayed twitter campaign as well. While the global conversation tends to focus on the female victims of DV, more and more men are coming forward to tell their own stories.
#whyistayed I was stuck in a #domesticviolence relationship because men are supposed to take it. Men get beaten too. Never again, I left.
— WestTexasDust (@WestTexasDust) September 9, 2014
#whyistayed There was no money to get out, or place to go. Domestic abuse knows no gender.
— Montgomery Maxton (@MontMaxton) September 9, 2014
#whyIstayed she used her self-harm to manipulate me. I was worried she’d kill herself. #whenIleft she told me she didn’t know what she’d do.
— Jonathon (@ordasea) September 8, 2014
#WhyIStayed I look back now and can see how he systematically isolated me from my family, my friends. Didn’t see it while it was happening
— Reuben Hayslett (@hezrions) September 9, 2014
You know that thing about how you put a frog in a pot of cold water and heat it gradually, and it never notices it’s in danger? #WhyIStayed
— Tobi Mayo (@Revieloutionne) September 9, 2014
#WhyIStayed Becuase Domestic Violence Orders don’t mean a thing.
— © Indigenist™ (@db_1974) September 9, 2014
#WhyIStayed BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE MY KIDS
— TRU2MEANDU (@TRU2MEANDU) September 9, 2014
It is more important than ever before for male survivors to raise their voices. There will never be an end to IPV until we as a society accept the fact that not all men are abusers, and yes men are victims too. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
One in seven men age 18+ in the U.S. has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime. One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. In 2013, 13% of documented contacts to the Hotline identified themselves as male victims. Although they make up a smaller percentage of callers to the Hotline, there are likely many more men who do not report or seek help for their abuse…
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If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV, there is help.
- Male Survivor provides resources to male survivors of sexual trauma
- Safe Place in Austin, TX provides services and shelter for male victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. We can help you locate shelters in your area, where available.
- Center Against Domestic Violence, based in New York City, offers information and support for male victims
- Lambda’s Anti-Violence Project provides support and resources to LGBTQ victims of violence
or call: 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) — Photo: Capt’ Gorgeous/Flickr
I think an important thing to note is that for a lot of male victims the reasons they stayed are some of the exact same reasons female victims stayed.
#abuseisgenderless
Maybe we should start teaching people that real love does not equal that the other person is a property. We need to learn how to communicate our emotions better so anger doesn’t end up being the final answer. We need to learn that boundaries are not the same as walls. Also we need to learn that being alone is not as bad and that we don’t need to stay or jump into a relationship for fear of being alone.
And whoever tells you you are nothing without them is telling you a lie.
Sometimes it is a strange mixture of guilt, love, and fear that keeps someone in a terrible relationship…you are brainwashed that there is some love there that can be salvaged…when things become physically violent, it becomes all too readily apparent that there is no real love there…only control and domination masquerading as love and devotion….as Sting sings: “if you love someone, set them free…”
Such violence shocked me…I had no idea how much he really hated me….
Leia, What was in his past that he would resort to violence? Did he come from a family with that history?
I don’t know much about his family….only what he told me…and I realize he lied much of the time….Violence like that is carefully hidden…like a secret…perhaps the anger and intimidation takes different forms….I noticed that the more I became distant from him, the more aggressive his behavior became…before all it took was a look or a word, and I would feel intimidated…
He would admit to being involved in bar fights…