Recently we had music superstar Ye using his global platform to try to ‘win’ back his ex-wife Kim Kardashian, then the UK saw TV anchor Piers Morgan once again going after Meghan Markle.
The rapper formerly known as Kanye seems to think Kim doesn’t know her own mind and should really be with him. Despite her divorce petition (at that time) and relationship with comedian Pete Davidson, Ye apparently sent a truck load of flowers to Kim on Valentine’s Day and before that, posted a Thanksgiving video on Insta in which he took responsibility for their break-up and prayed to get her back.
Meanwhile on the other side of the Pond we have Piers Morgan rehashing his one-sided feud with Meghan Markle. While it’s not quite a romantic bid (although he clearly has a ‘thing’ about her), it’s just as delusional and employs the same tactics. Presumably in a bid to boost ratings for his new TV show, (not linking), he claimed there’s “unfinished business” between them, and dared her to come on as his first guest. Seriously? Since he knows his previous treatment of her means asking her nicely won’t work, he just doubled down on the taunting in the hope that she’d cave. (Fortunately Meghan, like many women, can see what he’s up to, simply ignores his constant criticism and isn’t biting.)
Unbelievably, in both cases the men tacked a few insults onto the wooing too. Ye’s been going after Kim’s new man, while Morgan in the same breath as his invitation, called Markle a ‘cringe’. I’d like to know on which planet this kind of behaviour ever works (excepting coercion, of course, which is a far more serious matter). Oh yes, it happens in the movies. Girl plays hard-to-get, guy assumes a) she doesn’t really know what she wants, and b) she’s actually interested but she’s going to make him work really hard.
Guys, in the real world, girl probably not interested at all.
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And it’s not just celebs who do this; we see it every day. Guys following women in the street because of course, when she picks up her pace and looks somewhat panicked, that’s an obvious cue for him to keep trying. The dude in the bar who won’t accept you’re out with your friends and don’t need a drink, thank you. To him, that’s just your opening gambit and he simply needs to find the chink in your armour. Everything’s negotiable, right?
There’s a reason we’ve had to come up with “No means no”. For too long, a woman saying “No” (albeit in a roundabout way ’cause god forbid we hurt anyone’s feelings) was either completely disregarded, or seen as a grey area. Open to interpretation, if you will. And by that, I mean the guy felt free to put his own spin on it. How is it that suddenly, men who claim to be able to read the body language (“she was into me”) are blind to the disinterest that’s staring them in the face? Also baffling is the conclusion that when the signals are confusing, some men err on the side of making the woman feel even worse.
The problem is, many of us are often complicit too. Unless the ‘winning her over’ behaviour veers into the downright dangerous, we rarely call boys and men out when we see it. Obviously personal safety is sometimes a factor in this, but how many guys in bars pull their friend away and remind them that “I’m with my friends” is the polite version of “Go away and leave me alone.”? Similarly, think about how many times men harassing women in the street are ever told to leave her alone by someone other than the women herself?
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A few thoughts for the guys (apart from “Stop it”)— You’re probably not coming over as cutely as what’s-his-face in the movie for a start, but do you really want a woman who has to be persuaded into a date or a relationship with you? Do you realise how pathetic it looks that you have to list your good qualities, or hint at your great salary to get a smidgeon of interest? If you can’t respect her lack of interest, at least have some self respect.
Your tactic also gives off some pretty awful clues about you too since it telegraphs how you might behave in the future. There she is, telling you that no, she doesn’t want to stop and chat or no thanks, she already has a drink, and you’re blatantly ignoring her response. What else will you do to get what you want?
Yes, there’s a big difference between trying to chat to a woman in a bar and trying to cajole her into having sex, but it’s all part of the same way of thinking. You’re really not selling yourself like you think you are.
There’s a difference between winning her over and wearing her down.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Ben White on Unsplash