You might want to be careful if you book a ticket on the night bus from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap, to view Angkor Wat at sunrise. As a bus specialized for an overnight ride, there are only bunks available. The seats have been completely removed and replaced with single-occupancy bunks, which run along the right side of the interior of the bus (with upper and lower tiers), and double-occupancy bunks to the left (with upper and lower tiers). A quite narrow walkway separates the types of bunks.
If you purchase a single bunk space on the left side of the bus, for the sake of saving a little money, there is a very good chance that as you are lying there, a stranger will also crawl in and occupy the bunk space next to yours. Now you will be lying elbow to elbow with who-knows-who for the 6-hour overnight ride; as I did one night.
As I was lying on a double-occupancy bunk, a little confused with the night-bus bunking system and starting to realize I had made a mistake, a fellow with a larger build struggled a bit climbing the rudimentary ladder toward the upper double bunk, but finally pulled himself laboriously into our shared double space, rolling his body into the place next to me, lying there, looking straight up. At least I had the window space.
So, how do you break the ice with a guy who is suddenly lying next to you, possibly ready to get some shuteye and possibly as uncomfortable as you currently are? Should you break the ice? What exactly is the etiquette in this type of novel situation?
After about a minute or two of absorbing the consequences of my saving about four dollars by renting one bunk space on a double bunk, instead of a single occupancy bunk space, I finally said, “Hello, I’m Dan, from New York.” The gentleman turned his head and smiled, and made the respectful gesture known as the Anjali, where he put the palms of his hands together into a prayer-like position on his chest and then nodded his head. He introduced himself with the name he used in English: Roland.
I was a bit confused by the Anjali as it is a common greeting by Buddhist monks, who attempt to avoid all physical contact with laypeople including shaking hands. Obviously, he wasn’t a Buddhist monk as he was now lying elbow to elbow with a layperson (we jostled into each other relatively frequently during turns and bounces on the trip), and he was not wearing the traditional saffron robe worn in Cambodia by monks. Yet, some laypeople in Cambodia use the Anjali, so I let this go.
I told him a bit about me and why I was in his country. He explained that he was a Cambodian who co-owned a hostel in Siem Reap that offered sundry services such as knowledgeable tour guides to the local temples, yoga classes, local artisanal products and a café/juice bar. He resolved the mystery of the Anjali by telling me that he also offered free mindfulness and meditation classes as he had once been a Buddhist monk who had chosen to leave the monastic lifestyle. He had gone through a formal “disrobing” process as his brother-in-law had saved up some money and invited him to join his business in Siem Reap.
As far as I was concerned, he was still a “de facto” Buddhist monk due to his level of kindness and perspicacity. At one point in our conversation he told me that even though I was on vacation, and should probably be enjoying the adventures and sights Cambodia accorded, he sensed a certain amount of sadness in my voice. I didn’t even realize this was perceptible.
I told him that his country’s history and current political and economic situation caused me great sadness. I had come to gawk at temples deep in lush forests, but I could not overlook the extent of poverty and hardship in certain areas of Phnom Penh. I explained that, from my perspective, and the perspective of my country’s government, Cambodia was a dictatorship that had started way too late in trying to bring economic development to the people. Cambodia was still considered a 4th world country by the United Nations, with an average monthly income of between $150 and $200.
Although he might have disagreed, he listened with patience and tolerance. This might have been due to his experience with expats and tourists who regularly shoot their mouths off, or it might have been a residual monkish virtue.
I told him that there were also personal factors as to why I might sound a bit sad. Like everyone, I have had painful experiences in my life. Injustice, unfairness, callousness, cruelty, untimely deaths of loved ones…I had seen much injustice and suffering working in the poorer areas of Chicago and New York City. It also saddened me that, perhaps like many of us, I have caused harm to people, either inadvertently or due to whatever emotional factors I may have failed to control. I told him that this bothered me significantly. I then asked, “Do you think it is possible to live with joy despite everything? Shouldn’t I be sad?”
His voice radiated kindness and gentleness as he spoke. He began by saying, “I’m glad you asked this. I came up with a new idea recently to recommend to our hostelers; you can give me feedback on it. Have you ever tried a joy journal?”
“To be candid with you, that seems a bit artificial to me, a little contrived. I don’t see myself doing that,” I said.
“Well, let me defend a joy journal and tell you my innovation to make it even more meaningful and relevant. I recommend that you keep a little pocket notebook and scribble down any significant act of kindness or joy you experience. Keep a file on your laptop and add anything you feel is important to your master copy. Some days you may write down several acts of kindness, friendliness or forgiveness or love. I’m going to write you down today, Dan!” he quipped. “You were quite calm and accepting of a complete stranger rolling up to you on your bunk, and you welcomed me by introducing yourself!” He chuckled a little before continuing.
“Write down anything you are grateful that someone did for you or said to you. Reading your joy journal during a time of depression may boost your spirits again. Our brains seem to like remembering rotten things. We fix that with a joy journal. We can replace rotten memories with humane and joyous stuff. It might sound trite or goofy, but you can do it secretly and nobody has to know. On a dark day for you, you can read about how goodness and kindness do exist in the world and how powerful those experiences can be.
“But here is the most important thing. This is huge. This type of journaling helps us remember the importance of what you folks call the Golden Rule. We have this too in Buddhism. The Buddha said, basically, ‘Don’t hurt others in a way you wouldn’t want to be hurt.’ I also recall him saying, ‘Put yourself in the place of others and do not harm them.’ But let’s take an active view.
“If you screw up and someone forgives you, and you feel grateful for that, you have to document and remember that joy and gratitude so you can aspire to show that same kindness to another person someday. Don’t you see how you can help to reset your values based on the kindness and joy that others bring to you? I call this the joy cycle as you can aspire to live a life in which you continually bring joy to others based on the joy they brought to you. If someone makes you feel gratitude and joy for an action, it was a ‘good’ action, and you should be ready to treat others in that manner.
“If someone is especially patient with you, if someone genuinely smiles at you, if someone goes out of their way to help you, anything, write it down. Then send it back out there! Or create joy without even having experienced it. Create the joy in others that you wish they would help you feel. You have to start the joy ball rolling. This is a much better basis for ethical action than anything Kant wrote, no?” He smiled widely. “The benevolent cycle of joy. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing to incorporate into your life?”
Yes, I was impressed. I believe, in fact, that now I am more sensitive to acts of kindness and goodness each day. I look for them, hope to see them, wait for them, expect people to engage in them as I also look for opportunities to bring joy to other folks. I try to record the more exceptional acts of humanity I witness in the world. I then think about how I can initiate that kind of engagement with others.
“Also,” the monk continued, “…we have to forgive ourselves and others. If someone harms you, or you harm another, it is due to ignorance. I love the quote from Socrates where he says that nobody has ever chosen to do anything evil. Even when we harm each other, we think we are acting rightly. We are often delusional, we do not see the mistake we are making.
“In the Dhammapada the Buddha says, ‘If a person speaks or acts with an impure mind, suffering follows him like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox.’ Harmful actions come from what might be called an impure mind and thus people often believe they are acting rightly even when they cause harm.
“Thus, we have an obligation to forgive ourselves and others if we want a more humane world. Feeling resentment, feeling hatred, seeking retaliation may feel good, but it does not help. Nor does feeling a perpetual sense of guilt or depression over what you see as your moral failures toward others. When you realize that you were wrong, that you did not need to hurt another person, be so grateful that you can now see this. Many people never see nor even want to see the wrongs they have done or continue to do. Suffering follows them like the wheel behind an ox’s foot.”
He also talked about the need for mindfulness and focusing on the present, not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I recall he mentioned that focusing on my breathing was a good idea. I haven’t looked into that yet. I also recall he talked a bit about letting go and letting harmful or painful emotions go to make room for joy. We parted at Siem Reap – but I knew where to find him again. All in all, I remembered and recorded above most clearly what resonated the most with me at that time.
I tend to be a cynic and so I was not greatly affected by Angkor Wat, even though I saw it at sunrise. It was probably built using slave labor for a person who thought he was a god-king and who more than likely oppressed the folks in the area. Archeologists and historians are not 100% sure, however, about all of this. In any case, it turned out that it wasn’t Angkor Wat that would have an effect on me, but the kindly and selfless “disrobed” monk who was patient enough to chat with me through a night that could have been highly uncomfortable and miserable. Yes, I mentioned him on the first page of my joy journal.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
