A young man named Adam learned there’s more to coming out than saying the magic words.
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Coming out is a lifelong process. It’s something you’ll do over and over again…to new acquaintances, old family members, new family members, co-workers, new friends, people you reconnect to, doctors, neighbors. Even in the face of rainbow stickers (if you have them) and holding hands with your significant other (if you do), sometimes you still have to come out and say it. And it’s never quite the same experience twice.
So yes, it’s one of those things that has a lot of “first times”. Let’s look at some things to keep in mind, because they are going to come up more than once.
1. People will hear gay and define you by gay, or how they define gay. You might need to remind them:
Being Gay Is Only One of Your Many Attributes
My dad relayed something his gay brother told him: my sexuality accounts for one of the thousands of things you know about me, and it’s not all that I am.
I carried that with me as I continued to tell other people. When you come out, people change the way they view you. Perhaps you didn’t seem gay before, but people will start to look at everything you do through a new lens. They’ll start analyzing your actions, looking for long-existing signs of homosexuality, and start to act a little differently whether they accept you or not.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeYou still are and deserve to be all the other parts of yourself, so don’t let anyone forget that.
2. You might think you know someone, but:
You Can’t Predict Every Reaction
You can’t know how people will react every time, or even most of the time, no matter how aware you may think you are. You will get many reactions wrong, so don’t try to get them right. Instead, put your effort into preparing for the various types of responses. Ask yourself what you’ll say if someone hates you, if they love you unconditionally, or if they just don’t care.
3. Did you date before? Get ready to throw out most of what you know.
You’ll Have to Learn About Dating All Over Again
All the lessons about dating, love, relationships, and sex have to be rebuilt when you come out.
Consider that gay sexuality doesn’t get taught in SexEd. Magazine racks aren’t covered with gay dating advice tips. And while many rules apply no matter who your relationship is with – respect, mutual consent, honesty, don’t be a jerk – you’re probably going to be dating people who, if they’ve been out for a while, may have a different outlook on relationships than you, from online dating to meeting family to what PDA is ok.
4. Coming out is not a cure-all.
It Doesn’t Get Better Immediately*
When you come out, life won’t get better—it’ll probably get worse. When you come out, you want it to bring you freedom but it often takes time before you get it.
You won’t be hiding who you are any more, but who you are won’t be hidden.
The good part? Hiding who you are and living in fear of exposure takes and extraordinary amount of energy and emotional and mental gymnastics. If this is something you have wanted to let go of, coming is that ultimate letting go.
5. There is no one coming out. There is no one way to come out. And:
Coming Out Never Ends
People in your life change and you have to keep telling them who you are. You don’t have to like it, but you have to do it. The need to come out never stops. You don’t need a loudspeaker. It can be casual. But it’s part of who you are.
Few coming-outs go the way people expect them to. They expect acceptance and get rejection. They expect hate and get love. They expect indifference and get a highly involved ally.
The only thing that is certain? It’s life-changing. And like any life-changing experience, it’s deeply personal, not to be done under pressure or coercion, has no “right way” to do it, and comes with the hope that life will get better.
Read the complete article, Six Things I Wish I Knew Before Coming Out, by Adam Dachis.
Photo: torbakhopper/Flickr
What a great article! Logical rational and sensible.
I’m a straight guy and I’ve discovered we ALL have coming outs to be dealt with at sometime or another. Some are really big, some not so much but will generate judgment by others anyway, or at least we think they will so are scared to let the freak flag fly.
Life is short. In a hundred years you and all of them will most likely all be dead so who’ll be around to keep judging you or being there to feel their judgment? Neither you nor them so will anyone care?