Yesterday I Didn’t Know Much About Consent — Today I Do

When we were a bunch of toddlers, we loved to ask questions. You could find us babbling and running around our parents, teachers, and even strangers, asking flocks of stupid things and running again.

The why phase, do you remember that one? I do.

So why is it that today, as grown-ups, we find it hard to ask for a simple yes? What kind of experiences did we live through that made us so afraid of rejection? What kind of education did we receive that made us so entitled to a yes that we don’t even bother asking?

In the following lines, we will turn every stone marked with the word consent, we won’t forget a single one. My goal is not to offend, simply to tell true things. I hope you’re ready, cause we’re going to look in the mirror and we might not like what we’ll see.

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When we hear the word consent, the first thing that pops in our minds is the word rape.

Rape is a vile crime. Men or Women, it defiles the body of an individual. It takes everything holy inside someone and taints it. It’s one of the biggest thieves of our time, for it steals our pride and our innocence. More, it steals our trust, our body, and our soul.

But before we go there, let’s start with the tip of the iceberg.

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Our Body Is Our Temple, But So Is Our Space.

We all are a bunch of different people. We were not raised in the same home, we didn’t go to the same school, we never had the same teachers, the same love, the same friends, the same hardships and the same secrets — we never had it all at the same time.

Even those who do are still different, because of their perception of the world. The thing is, we don’t know better, but still, we like to make assumptions.

I was raised in an environment where kissing on the cheek and hugging were common things for salutations. It’s the same for my friends and most people I hang out with. So when I meet someone new, sometimes I forget, sometimes I don’t ask and I hug.

Is it the same as rape? Surely not, but it does share the same symptôms and reactions — on a smaller scale.

They may not want to be hugged. Some will express it, others will not, they’ll just freeze and accept. Sometimes they don’t have the time to react and are left with no choices. Sometimes they do it because everyone else did it, and every so often because we said to them It’s no biggie.

Consent cannot be induced by force, duress, or deception.

We take things for granted, and that’s where the disease starts. But it’s not just about hugging.

I love to dance, put some music and you’ll see me on the dance floor. I also love to zouk, but sometimes I forget it is a close dance. Sometimes I forget that two women are not the same, boundaries and all.

It could be more than that. It could be the girlfriend who said only the top, and the boyfriend who still goes down, cause he forgot that the label girlfriend does not mean entitled.

It could also be the girl who jumps on the guy, cause she thinks we all are supposed to love it.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
— Maya Angelou.

This is where we have to learn from ourselves. We have to ask the right questions if we want to change our habits and our preconceived ideas.

If you ask someone “Can I hug you?” in front of a group of people, if the answer is yes, is that coercion? Is that a yes under duress?

Tamora Israel, a poetess, said it well on her Ted Talk. Ask yourself questions like What happened? Was that assault? Did I do it on purpose? What were my intentions?

And be honest, cause the mirror won’t lie.

There’s a quote that sums it well.

Everybody knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption.
— Samuel L. Jackson.

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The Conquest For The Holy Grail.

How many times have you heard expressions like always go for what you want, nothing is ever achieved by doing nothing, failures are part of life, or try until you succeed — how many times?

That’s the education we receive. That’s what we see on our phones every single day.

Consent became a conquest. Seduction is now more than a game, it became a battle to change a no for a yes, and some of us go far and beyond to achieve victory.

In non-professional relationships, consent is rarely given by writing or even by speaking. Most of the time, we rely on behavior, which leads to interpretations and assumptions.

We try things to conquer people, we do everything we can, and when we don’t know, we tend to do what our entourage does.

We sometimes joke with my friends. Jokes that shouldn’t be jokes, I don’t know, you tell me: Buy some bottles, give her a few drinks, a couple of puffs of weed, make her feel good, and then sell her the dream she wants to hear.

We do add the make sure she’s not drunk, the ask her if she wants to drink first, and we genuinely want them to feel good. But does that make our intentions ok?

Michele Meek calls it the yellow zone. Here’s how I define it.

Where does begin deception?
When do we know we have bad intentions?
In seduction, shall we also ask the question?
Even if we’re afraid to break the mood and get a rejection?

Sometimes, people do change their minds because they genuinely discovered something that broadened their vision. Then, what do we do when we’re in the yellow zone?

There’s one thing we have to know about consent, it is rooted in capacity and freedom. The capacity to make informed decisions and the freedom to choose which one we want, without force or duress.

The yellow zone will always be yellow, it’s in our human nature to want things and to try to get them. Let’s use those two words as a compass to navigate through it, cause consent is not always formal.

Consent is not just something I get from someone, it’s something I want to give, something I want to receive.
— Nathaniel Cole.

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The Dark Side Of The Moon.

Here are more controversial things, stuff about verbal agreements and non-verbal ones.

A friend of mine once told me a story. It was a day like all others, and as usual, he went to a bar not far from his place. There, he met two women. They approached him and told him that if he made them have a good time, bottles and all, they would go to his place.

That night, he did everything they wanted, except that they didn’t. About 20 minutes before the bar closes, they were already gone.

We all have the right to change our minds, but how and when do we know it’s appropriate to back down from an agreement?

It could also be the guy that makes a thousand promises to the girl, and morning comes, he already left.

In the first example, is that simply a fraud? In the second, shall we call it rape?

The thing with situations like these is that it encourages the people who suffered through it to later do things they wouldn’t have done. And thus, it creates a vicious circle.

In that same circle, we find other things, things like favors. If you keep asking things from someone, they will eventually ask things from you. Does that mean you have to say yes?

None of those situations are written, but when it happens to us, we do feel entitled — even if a little.

Unfortunately, the only thing we can do here is to be selective with whom we give our trust.

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What I Learned.

Before writing this article I didn’t know much about consent. I still have a long way to go, but I believe I picked up a few things.

Consent cannot be induced by force, duress, or deception.
Consent is about the capacity to make informed decisions, and the freedom to choose which one we want, without force or duress.
Consent is not just something I get from someone, it’s something I want to give, something I want to receive.
There is a yellow zone, let’s talk more about it.
Deception can be damaging to the global effort of consent, let’s be selective with whom we trust.
It’s important to look in the mirror.
When you know better, do better.

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Watch Michelle Meek’s TEDx talk here: