You Can Be Charming, Have a Silver Tongue, and Be THAT Guy!

It is and will always be about mastering communication, flirtation, and social cues.

What if you could leave every interaction with words that not only lingered but ignited something within her, words that demanded a response? The power of your words isn’t in their complexity but in their ability to leave her wondering who you truly are.

I used to be a big fat knobhead.

I think I spent an outrageous amount of time just waffling on about myself. Man, I would humble brag, flat-out brag, talk and talk in circles, and have entirely no real courtesy, panache, or suave tendencies that would make women weak at the knees. I was giving TED Talks no one asked for — spinning stories, flexing, and completely missing the mark. Psychologists call this egocentrism. I call it my gross conversational quicksand.

I realized this after my third first date in a row, when I texted her the next day, called her the day after that, and by the third day, I was starting to feel like the Mormons of bad decisions — showing up uninvited, over-committed, and praying for a door that wouldn’t slam in my face.

Being left on read and unanswered calls made me realize I had to make a change and that I WAS THE PROBLEM!

When even the block button doesn’t flinch, and your messages scream into the dating abyss with the other losers, you realize you’re not just the problem — you’re the punchline joke to some woman’s group chat.

Not a single human being on this earth can develop or feel a connection if they don’t feel like they’re being listened to or really being understood. Stop waiting to reply and start seeking to understand; that’s where real attraction harvests.

This story changed everything for me!

In 1874, Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone rallied and competed to obtain the position of prime minister for the United Kingdom. On one rare occasion, both men had the pleasure of dining with a lady by the name of Jennie Jerome, Winston Churchill’s mother. Here’s what she said about conversing with the two of them separately:

“When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.”

So who won the election?

Disraeli.

Why?

Because he took the time and skills needed to master the art of conversation, the art of conversation will always be about making the other person feel important.

Disraeli spent the whole evening asking her inquisitive, sincere questions and listening intently to her responses. He genuinely wanted to know everything about her, and he steered the conversation toward her. She sang like a canary and was more than willing to share some wisdom.

No matter what anyone tells you, people love talking about themselves. Cause we’re all inherently selfish.

You need to do what you can to really listen; you can do it. It’s crazy how listening to everything makes you a super communicator. When you master listening, you make women feel like the hero of their own story because true power in a conversation comes from hearing, not speaking.

“During a conversation, listening is as powerful as loving.”

― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of Words

“But how do I become more interesting?”.

Do new things, man!

Get social, and find a hobby.

Start doing things that scare the shit out of you.

When you chase what scares you, as if sprinting through a storm, you’ll realize the rain washes away everything you never needed and reveals the clarity you’ve been craving.

Sitting on your couch won’t change your life any more than leaving bread in a toaster will bake a cake — get out the fucking house and do something, man.

It might be a bit daunting and intimidating at first, but once you get used to it, you’ll love every moment. Write something worth doing or do something worth writing about, right? Your life has to be somewhat interesting if you want to talk about interesting things.

Then, you’ll be filled with small facets of great conversation because you truly live a great life! Not just for the purpose of dating anymore. But I promise you, it will become a part of who you are. If you have a deep lust for life, it will help you find your woman! The more you fill your life with meaning, the easier it is to find someone who understands your language.

Things you SHOULDN’T SAY.

If you aren’t good at having conversations on a first date, here are some things you really shouldn’t say if you want to build any kind of attraction:

A. “I’m so nervous right now”

It’s an abused sentence. What you might have done is nullified and killed any immediate attraction. You have unknowingly submitted your application to the friend zone and you better do whatever you can to make sure you can build attraction and at least connect with her after such a wimpy statement.

Being nervous is natural, but they don’t need to know — at least not yet. Feeling nervous is human; letting them know it is optional — save the grand reveal for a better act, right?

It may or may not come across as endearing, but you want a strong first impression. Forget what the movies have taught you in these rom-coms or shitty episodes of The Bachelor, and just keep that little piece of information to yourself, at least for now. Pouring your heart out too early is like showing up to a black-tie event in Crocs — it’s memorable, just for all the wrong reasons.

B. “Wow, you look hot!”

A statement like that could be said to any woman who looks moderately attractive. It’s so overused, undercooked, and just *sigh* not that good.

How do you think that statement works with a woman who’s very attractive? It holds far more weight when you actually know the person. But you don’t know her yet. Imagine if you have a red shirt that you wear one day at work, people tell you, that’s a red shirt. You walk down the street and someone says, “That’s a pretty red shirt”. You head to the gym and someone says, “that’s a red shirt, buddy”. Sounds weird right?

But that’s exactly how very attractive people feel after a while. Sure it sounds nice at work or maybe even from strangers occasionally. But when you’re on a date with someone you might potentially want to be in a relationship with, and they hear the exact same line they’ve heard from randomers. You are thrown in the same bracket as colleagues, strangers, and generic people.

Yikes.

Instead, comment on the time they’ve clearly spent on their outfit, that’s a unique style only they have right? If you’re going through compliments, throw them out over things that take time, and a genuine effort has been consciously made for you!

Make a concentrated verbal effort with someone you’re trying to get to know. When you’re present and engaged it shouldn’t take too much mental capacity to give them an unconventional compliment. Remember, you’re different. You’re THAT guy!

The Power of Being Fucking Raw & Speaking with Vulnerability.

Tapping into the principles of deepening intimacy. Moving from light and playful topics to profound and meaningful discussions, creating an environment ripe for connection. In that order.

The idea is you build a genuine sense of closeness by the end of the evening. What makes this method so impactful? Mutual openness and unguarded conversation foster unbridled intimacy.

Attraction begins with curiosity and grows with real vulnerability. Share personal stories, beliefs, and values; this lets her know you’re willing to drop your guard. Vulnerability is magnetic — it shows confidence and emotional intelligence, qualities that many find deeply attractive.

Starts with light, low-stakes topics like “What’s your perfect day?” and gradually delve into questions about fears, dreams, and even moments of regret. This natural build-up mirrors how trust and intimacy develop in a relationship, but it fast-tracks the process, creating a sense of closeness that feels organic and genuine.

Have you ever heard of the 36 questions?

Luckily I did some research so you don’t have to. I stumbled upon a pretty impressive 15-page study by renowned psychologist Arthur Aron and some supporting psychologists who assisted him in the study. It basically illustrates that a deep affection can be easily created by either of the two strangers asking each other a series of questions, which his studies derived as critical in building an intimate connection.

How many questions? Just 36.

The general thought process behind the results of the study is that a unified openness and unguarded conversation builds intimacy. Doing this on a date, the first date no less, is intense and requires a high degree of bravery and the right kind of personality to accompany you in this adventure.

Want to know what the 36 special questions are? 😉

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you on how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Just remember that any kind of interaction when it comes to dating should be “non-outcome dependent”. What I mean by that is you don’t speak to them or go from sentence to sentence with an end goal or specific outcome. But you ask questions, make statements in order to get lost in the potential of an enriching connection.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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