You Don’t Want to be in Love With Love

“I am in love with Love and Love is in love with me.” — Rumi

I’ve written about love and relationships on the internet for several years now, but I specifically liked to write about blind spots.

Blind spots are nothing more than that which one is unconscious of. Therefore, if we can make the unconscious conscious, we can step into a new way of being and a new life.

I’ve shared some of my own blind spots and some others. I went to school to get even better at spotting and explaining the unconscious traits, attitudes and tendencies a human being can have.

So what’s the deal with the title?

My friendships have been great over the years, but the romances not so much. In fact, the people I dated seemed to have the same luck as I did. I always wondered what was the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship?

What I’ve learnt is that I asked the wrong question, and thus, was not oriented to receiving the right answer. There ultimately wasn’t a difference. In fact, thinking there was a difference was a part of the problem.

So what’s the other part of the problem?

I asked myself, “Is the purpose of a friend to love me?”

No, of course not. They like me and value me as a person, and I feel the same about them. Thus, we are friends.

Then I asked, “Is the purpose of a spouse/partner to love me?”

Initially, I was going to say yes, but this revealed the error. The answer cannot be yes. It must be no. They like me, value me as a person and are sexually attracted to me, and I feel the same about them. Thus, we could be a couple.

The answer is so simple, but allow me to explain the mess that prevents people from understanding this truth.

Growing up, love is a need. To not have that need met as a child will lead to future nightmares because inconsistent, inadequate, abusive, or neglectful “love” is the catalyst for relationship dysfunction.

Many will not consider such treatment “love,” and yet, the child will cry if they do not receive the adoration, affection, care and compassion that characterises love. The child then grows into an adolescent and later adult who will either chase love or fear love (or both).

So even though such negative treatment shouldn’t meet criteria for love, they still consider it love. It is merely (for example) a 2 out of 10 when it ought to be more like an 8 out of 10.

(Thinking of love as either present or absent, on or off, in a binary sense is limiting and prevents one from understanding the experience in a more meaningful way.)

But here’s where things get messier. Because you didn’t get love, you still want it. Humans evolved to pair-bond, so even if you wanted to avoid love and relationships, life (and your psyche) will conspire for you to face whatever you’re running from.

This is where the idea that a partner/spouse is supposed to love you. Because that’s exactly what your parent/caregiver was supposed to do. They’re supposed to love you. That’s their job.

Therefore, it will be the job of your love interest. And they will fail.

Why will they fail? Well, let me be more specific. They will do the job about as well as your parent or caregiver did. As a result, you’ll still feel that the love is inconsistent, inadequate, abusive, or neglectful.

You might even feel worse because you failed to get the love you seek yet again, which then pushes you to chase love or fear love (or both) even harder than before.

The reason this happens is because the setup is all wrong. Your love interest cannot be different from your parent or caregiver because the only template your mind has for what a caregiver (literally a giver of love) is, is your parent.

This is why you cannot find someone to perform the role of loving you. It is the perfect setup to repeat the past. If you had good parenting, you’re good to go. If not, you’re going to fail.

Instead, you must look for those who admire you, are attracted to you, who care about you and have compassion for you. That is someone who loves you, not merely someone that you want to play a role.

It is likely that they won’t immediately seem like a potential love interest because everything you knew about love came from people who deprived you of it. This person is giving you something you’re not used to.

However, it is now on you to recognise that this person genuinely loves you. And if you feel admiration, attraction, care and compassion for them, this naturally creates the romantic couple.

The Role Negative Emotions Play in Love

Rumi is quoted as saying,

“I am in Love with Love and Love is in love with me. My body is in Love with the soul and the soul is in Love with my body. I opened my arms to Love and Love embraced me like a lover.”

Sounds great, doesn’t it? The Muslim mystic and poet certainly had a way with words. And ultimately, what he’s saying isn’t really all that bad.

(But clearly I’m going to say something mean now, right?)

The thing about mysticism is this preoccupation with love. Specifically with Islamic mysticism, there was a connection of one’s heart to Allah. In other words, love was the connection to the Divine.

We see this association of love with transcendental bliss in ancient and modern literature, contemporary music, movies, and perhaps even in our own lives. It’s become a fixation. As long as I have love (or am safe from the issues of love), life is a dream.

What one should consider is if they only love love. Can you fear love? Can you have anxiety about love? Conversely, can you be at peace with love?

Allow me to make this more practical.

Have you loved someone but worried about their safety? Have you loved someone but felt nervous about telling them the truth about a matter? Have you only experienced love as a raging fire of passion, or have you experienced it as a gentle breeze of relaxation?

The experience of love may be quite coveted but it is not limited to merely positive emotion or even dense emotion. And for some, love is considered to be particularly negative. Some even say love isn’t real.

It is in accepting that we can feel various emotions about love, just as we can feel various emotions about hate, shame, courage, acceptance, and peace, that we can be more honest about our relationship with love and about those we love.

Nothing that was written above will make sense to you if you aren’t able to recognise love when you see it. But the only way you will miss it is if you refuse to acknowledge your relationship with love itself.

Moreover, nothing that was written above will be useful to you if you think love is all you need. It will prevent you from spotting danger and potential calamity. It will cause you to never question your blind spots because “love conquers all.”

It will put cherry-shaded sunglasses over your eyes, and you will never see a red flag.

A relationship can never be a happily ever after. This is perfection and perfection doesn’t exist.

What is preferable and actually durable is a relationship where there is rupture and repair. The bad times serve as a catalyst for improvement by the couple, which catapults them into an even greater bond.

This is why as great as positive emotions are for those we love, negative emotions call on us to improve the dynamic so that the relationship is even stronger than before.

The dreamscape life of being in love with love does not tend to allow for this, and the idea that your spouse has a duty to love you prevents you from recognising the people who simply do.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***