“The right person coming to you at the right time will change everything you ever thought was true.” -Kate McGahan
To my utter dismay, I have been close to people in toxic relationships who, sadly, believe that they have found a great catch and are in love. Others have been in one bad relationship after another that they have come to accept that this is as good as it gets for them. And so, even though they find themselves in these unsatisfying, toxic, or even abusive relationships with partners that they believe they deeply care about, they begin to question themselves trying to come up with things they need to do to keep these relationship going.
However, it was seldom all about them.
The wrong partners
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Whenever two different individuals come together it only natural there are some areas of friction to smooth over before it all comes together beautifully if they are right for each other. These conflicts can arise for various reasons like their different personalities, different/changing needs, or expectations. The critical thing is to remember these get sorted out with the right partners.
It is relationships with the wrong partners that are devoid of relationship satisfaction. You will feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time and as pointed out by relationship coach, Rachel Dack (LCPC), “you may find that your partner is possessive, controlling, hot-headed, manipulative or cold,” among other things. These are their deficiencies, not yours.
One wrong partner after the next
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Going from one bad relationship to the next is certainly a situation that can get you thinking maybe it’s just you. Many ask that question when they find themselves in this cycle and it can be a valid question, especially in one area- your choices!
You may need to pause and reflect on whether you share some of the blame. For instance, does the cycle continue because you don’t have a clear idea of the type of partner or relationship you need? Are you so hung up only on certain qualities forgetting that people are a sum total of all their attributes? Some have also been unable to break out of this unfortunate cycle because they ignore all the early red flags, either because they rather not deal with them or they think that with a little more time and their help those flags will turn green.
In this regard one valuable piece of advice the experts give to help break the cycle is that people coming out of a bad relationship would do good to take some time to really get over them, clear their heads and maybe reassess their priorities, rather than jumping into the next because of need to just be in a relationship…any relationship. This makes sense especially as the status quo has failed such partners over and over again.
“One valuable piece of advice the experts give to help break the cycle is that people coming out of a bad relationship would do good to take some time to really get over them, clear their heads and maybe reassess their priorities…”
When you find the right one for you, it will work
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“Everyone is the right person for the right person.” -Raheel Farooq
The right person for you will come along and stay when you are the right person for them. This would no doubt require getting your priorities straight. It will mean making necessary compromises but doesn’t mean you stop being who you really are. Maintaining your authenticity is just as crucial as well as having a clear idea of the kind of relationship that works for you and the type of partner you wish to have it with.
This also brings us to the question of standards- if you don’t set them high enough or are constantly lowering them just to be in a relationship then the cycle will not break.
There’s nothing quite like being in a relationship with the right one. This is when you finally find a partner that accepts you for who you are and cares about how you feel and is willing to be there come rain or shine.
Instead of the rigidity of your previous relationship(s), there will be the flexibility that will allow you to overcome relationship challenges. Both of you will, therefore, be able to adapt so as to accommodate and negotiate any areas of conflict effectively during the course of our relationship which may very well be described as the “perfect” relationship.
The right person for you will come along and stay when you are the right person for them.”
Takeaways
- Compromises are essential to maintaining a healthy and balanced rhythm in every relationship. It’s the unhealthy compromises you should never give in to.
- Conflicts can arise in relationships for various reasons but the important thing to remember these get sorted out with the right partners.
- You shouldn’t lower your standards just to be in a relationship it will merely perpetuate the cycle of unfulfilling relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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