Setting and upholding personal boundaries is fairly a broad topic. Often in everyday life, it rises in the context of the fact that some people (consciously or not) violate other people’s boundaries, while others don’t know how to protect them.
Physical boundaries include the space between you and the other person, as well as between your belongings and their belongings as the unspoken symbols of the “territory” section. We let acquaintances close — a good friend can sit very close, and we will not feel discomfort. And between lovers, the space can be generally minimal.
On the other hand, if a stranger comes too close or puts their things too close to ours, we feel discomfort — they violate the boundaries, and invade the territory that we consider our own. Similarly, uninvited touches can work — for example, putting a hand on the shoulder or grabbing the elbow, not to mention touching with sexual overtones.
It should be noted that personal, “protective” space is different for different people. Someone prefers to keep everyone at a distance, and someone else, on the contrary, is focused on close contact. At the same time, we allow some violations of personal physical space — for example, in crowded transport. Which, however, can also cause psychological discomfort.
In addition to simply physical, material boundaries are distinguished — they apply to things, a room, and a house. To take something of yours without asking (or against your will), to suddenly drop in for a visit — these are examples of violation of material boundaries.
…
Non-Physical Boundaries
As for non-physical boundaries, here we are talking about feelings, opinions, attitudes, beliefs, relationships with other people, and all other aspects related to yourself. These boundaries are designed to protect all aspects of the personality from the “penetration” of unwanted attitudes, assessments, opinions, communications, emotions, etc. In a word, they maximally protect the personal self from unwanted influence.
Also, this concept includes ways of communication that are comfortable for you, forms of communication, depth of relationships, etc. Psychological boundaries are non-static and subject to change — according to the situation, dynamics in relationships, and the degree of trust. They line up differently for different people — depending on the degree of trust, the similarity of views and thoughts, etc.
…
What is considered a violation of personal boundaries
With physical boundaries, everything seems to be easier. Their violation can be recognized as an “intrusion” into your personal space, causing you discomfort. This behavior does not necessarily indicate bad intentions. For example, someone may stand closer to you than is psychologically comfortable for you, because their boundaries include less space.
In such cases, people with wide boundaries involuntarily step back or sideways, freeing up space for themselves. Accordingly, if your interlocutor backs away from you, you may be approaching him too close.
More often physical ones have to talk about the violation of psychological boundaries — here there are more forms, and it is more difficult to work with such violations. By default, people are supposed to respect each other’s boundaries — the freedom of one ends where the freedom of another begins.
In theory, universal respect for boundaries is a necessary condition for a comfortable life in society. In practice, this is just an ideal picture, and each of us quite regularly encounters border violators.
For example, too persistent advice that you did not ask for; imposed conversations that you don’t like; attacks on your beliefs, your point of view, your decisions; manipulation and ignoring your requests, etc. All this is an invasion of your personal psychological space.
Reactions to violation of boundaries are also purely individual for everyone. Imagine a too-talkative fellow traveler in transport, actively drawing everyone around into the conversation. Someone will react with joy because they also like to chat, someone will turn away indifferently, and someone will rudely ask to be left alone.
However, usually, the issue of setting and defending boundaries does not arise with strangers, but, on the contrary, with those with whom we regularly communicate — with relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. Regular violation of boundaries on their part can cause significant discomfort while walking conflict with them is not always appropriate.
…
How to understand that your boundaries are built limitedly
A general definition can be formulated as follows: organically built boundaries allow you to interact with others on terms that are acceptable to you. In other words, the boundaries with another person are built adequately if:
- at any request from their side, you agree only if you really have the time, desire, and resources to help. At the same time, you understand that you can refuse, and this refusal will not turn into bad consequences for you, manipulation and resentment;
- they don’t impose unsolicited advice, points of view, etc. on you, they don’t try to instill someone else’s worldview in you, they don’t make decisions for you, they don’t try to re-educate you, etc.;
- they don’t try to control and check you unnecessarily at every step;
- no abuse of your trust, dependability, kindness, etc.
Of course, one piece of unsolicited advice or one unexpected call from a friend won’t be a violation of boundaries (although there are some caveats to this). Usually, the violation is understood as systematic pressure, outright imposition, and manipulation to get the desired behavior from you, regardless of your attitudes and assessments.
Remember that you build your boundaries in a way that is convenient for you, but it is not a fact that this also suits your counterpart. Therefore, try not only to protect your borders but also to ensure that you don’t violate others. For example, don’t make decisions for others and don’t impose advice that you have not been asked for.
…
How to set and defend your boundaries
Unfortunately, some people take the regular violation of their boundaries for granted and don’t even try to defend them. As a rule, this does not lead to anything good. In particular, problems in communication can accumulate like a snowball and sooner or later “take off”.
Violation of boundaries can be a systematic source of bad mood and stress, it can demotivate, and spoil relationships (and not only with the violator, but also with other people), etc. You can succumb to unnecessary influence and then regret the choice you made, missed chances. In some cases, we are talking about financial issues, health issues, security issues, etc.
In some situations, boundary violation is associated with serious psychological problems — violence, abuse, co-dependent relationships, etc. Here, boundaries are broken very strongly, and this is far from the only problem of such relationships. Therefore, it is better if the restoration of boundaries — as well as the restoration of the personality as a whole — will take place under the supervision of a specialist.
The ability to defend your boundaries is one of the most useful skills that will definitely come in handy in life. Here are some tips:
#1 — Change your perspective
This is the most difficult, but the most necessary advice. It is best to defend the borders with those who believe in their rights — their opinion, their worldview, their decisions, the right to psychological and physical integrity, etc. Who does not seek to please everyone around and knows how to abstract from someone else’s opinion.
To grow adequate “thick skin” to the pressure of others, often remind yourself of your rights. Tell yourself that you don’t have to please everyone and that your priorities should be your health, your comfort, your desires, your plans, and aspirations. Remember the unforgettable phrase: if you don’t take care of yourself, no one will take care of you.
The worldview changes slowly, but if you remind yourself of your rights, and ask yourself more often “Do I need this? But do I want this? ”, Changes will definitely occur.
#2 — Talk about your discomfort
First of all, if another person violates your boundaries, tell them about it. Perhaps they simply don’t realize that they are becoming a source of discomfort for you, because for them their behavior is normal. For example, a talkative fellow traveler does not understand how you can be silent all the way.
It is better to speak about the fact that something does not suit you right away, and not when the cup of your patience overflows. Otherwise, it will not be about protecting borders, but simply about conflict (possibly destructive). If you discuss the problem when it appeared, the chances are higher that the conversation will be calm and constructive.
At the first attempt to break the boundaries, defending them should become a reflex.
#3 — Don’t be afraid to say no (and yes)
The ability to refuse is one of the most important skills in defending boundaries. By the way, as well as the ability to agree — for example, to help.
In case of boundary violations, the tactic of brief refusal without explanation is usually useful. Repeat a phrase like “No, I won’t do this”, “No, this doesn’t suit me”, or “No, I won’t come” until your counterpart stops pushing with their offer.
#4 — Consider protecting yourself — and implementing it
The protection of personal boundaries must not only be declared, but also enforced. It is important to let people know the seriousness of your intentions.
For example, if we are talking about uncomfortable questions, unsolicited advice, and other options for invading your personal space that make you uncomfortable, you can warn the interlocutor a couple of times, and then really do as promised.
Say that you will end the conversation if the counterpart does not change the subject — and really stop it: hang up the call, turn around and leave, defiantly put on headphones, etc.
#5 — Prepare your responses in advance
Often boundary violations occur in certain situations and with certain people. In such cases, prepare responses of varying degrees of politeness in advance to immediately rebuff when such a situation arises again. At first, you can politely laugh it off or use the very first advice: say that you are uncomfortable talking about this topic.
Unfortunately, for some people, such obvious tricks don’t work, and therefore here are a few tactics that can be used when preparing answers:
- Agree with unsolicited assessment/advice by exaggerating them. For example, “Really! Blatant sloppiness!” As a rule, people don’t expect consent from you, and therefore are lost, not knowing what to say. Hyperbolization can be chosen such that the counterpart does not immediately understand whether this is sarcasm or not. “You’re right, that stain on a T-shirt looks terrible. I left it so you wouldn’t notice the hole in the sleeve.”
- In the case of unsolicited advice, actively invite the adviser to implement them: “Thank you for the advice! Will you transfer the money to a card or give it in cash? Its implementation costs XXX dollars.
- Show feigned pity (perhaps exaggerated): “It’s a pity that, unlike me, you can’t afford this.”
- Directly say about the inappropriateness of advice, comments, ratings, etc. The main thing is to do it briefly and speak as confidently as possible. “Why did you decide that you can give me such advice?”, “What made you think that I am interested in your opinion?”, “Thank you, I will deal with this issue myself.”
These strategies are only a part of the possible diversity. You can prepare templates not only for cases where your boundaries are violated regularly. Come up with a few options for “abnormal” situations.
#6 — Refrain from attacking
As you know, the best defense is an attack. However, this thesis does not always apply to defending the boundaries, because in this case, you are violating others instead of protecting your own. Sometimes this path is optimal, but if you are talking with a toxic person or, conversely, with someone with whom you want to maintain a relationship, it is usually better to avoid attacks.
A toxic person just needs conflict. By attacking, you simply follow their script and give them what they want. In this case, the best strategy is to limit contacts and communication as much as possible, not to tell anything personal, and to answer all questions and advice in monosyllables.
As for people important to you, if you want to minimize potential conflict, it’s better not to attack, but concentrate on yourself and use I-phrases. That is, talk about yourself and your feelings, and sensations: “I don’t like advice in this area”, “I don’t want to discuss this topic”, “I’m offended when my judgments are not trusted.”
For many people, being attacked triggers the “defend and attack back” reaction. Mutual attacks on each other’s borders are likely to be the beginning of a conflict. You need to convey to your loved one the idea of why their current behavior makes you uncomfortable. And if they are really close, they should listen to this.
Sometimes the people closest to us violate our boundaries, acting from the best of intentions and trying to “do good”: they come from their picture of the world, in which our behavior/worldview simply does not fit.
Practice shows that the best strategy for defending the boundaries in such cases is to stop discussing problematic topics. If your counterpart’s attitudes are too strong, no reasonable arguments will break them.
…
Takeaway
Some people are afraid to set or defend boundaries because they are afraid to offend or push away from themselves. But in fact, this is not the most correct position. Mutual respect for boundaries is one of the important aspects of comfortable communication, but their regular violation can cause a variety of problems.
Let’s go back to the first point: remember your rights — you, like any other person, have the right to your decisions, your opinion, and your worldview. Your Self is separate from the Self of other people. Remind yourself of this often, and also that you shouldn’t be ashamed/uncomfortable defending boundaries, but other people should be ashamed/uncomfortable violating them. Although usually just they have no moral dilemmas arise.
In addition, those who don’t know how to defend boundaries are easy targets for manipulators (and even for those who usually don’t manipulate others, but can take advantage of someone else’s softness).
Plus, people around often treat those who know how to refuse, resist other people’s attacks, and openly say that something does not suit them better. Such personalities are often more respected, their opinions are considered, and they are perceived as stronger.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock.com
