Your Relationships Suck But Your Friends Don’t Know Why

I have this theory that sexual attraction is not based on the things we like about another person. We like similar values and interests. We like their body too, and yet something else is at play.

I think sexual attraction is based on what we think is taboo. To be more specific, it is based on our unconscious traits — the things we deny about ourselves or the things we don’t accept about ourselves.

The problem is that there are probably a number of things we don’t like about ourselves. Is there a specific trait that is the cause of relationship problems, or is it all of them?

Based on my observations of family, family, clients, and myself, there may be a dominant trait that is throwing your relationships into disarray. But yes, there are other issues that threaten the relationship that, if they aren’t addressed, could threaten the relationship eventually.

The focus of this post is the dominant trait that keeps you stuck in the same relationship pattern. You know the one. But what you probably don’t know is why it keeps happening.

I would suggest that the number one trait that will keep you stuck in relationship hell is never investigating anything you do, blaming everyone else, and therefore never making any personal changes.

But I’m assuming you knew that.

Naturally, the next thing we do after checking ourselves is to ask those closest to us why they think we don’t have a partner. Some tell their truth, others lie to protect our feelings, and some simply think you’re perfect and so they blame everybody else.

Your friends, especially those you get along with the best, can’t explain why your relationships suck because they’re just like you. Some friends may have the exact same problem as you, and so they can’t even help themselves.

Some learn how to handle a dysfunctional relationship really well, but the relationship remains dysfunctional. They can’t help much either.

But I’ll be honest. There may be some friends who actually have already given you the answer. The problem is you either can’t handle the truth, don’t understand the truth, or what is most likely, you need to maintain the problematic trait because it keeps you safe.

I’ll use myself as an example.

My oldest and closest friends were never able to give me any kind of useful relationship advice. God bless them, but their advice kind of made things worse sometimes.

But then I had a new set of friends who were different from me and my oldest friends, and I appreciated the contrast sometimes. Sometimes the things they did were really weird, and when they’d call out my reaction, I’d shrug and say that we’re just different.

Eventually, they would call out how I communicated and that I don’t share much about myself. If you’ve been following my writing, I don’t see how anyone would agree to that. I often felt like an open book.

My therapist said I had trust issues but commended my communication skills because I was very transparent in sessions.

But it wasn’t until yesterday when someone called me secretive that I realized that that was a massive blind spot and a trait that had been messing up virtually all of my relationships.

To be completely transparent, the person who enlightened me is a friend, but when we first met I wanted to avoid him. Did I know why? Nope, but he possessed a nobility that I respected.

As fate would have it, we became closer and at first I didn’t mind because there was a mental distance that at the time I valued. We weren’t too close, and I liked things just the way they were.

But when we got closer, I started to stay away from him more because, to me, he overshared. He was too transparent, and I sometimes found him annoying but I could never pinpoint why. I’d just shut down what I felt because I didn’t want to be judgmental.

When I realized he was right, I yelled out, “How could I have missed something so obvious as being secretive?” And another friend said, “It’s okay, you were being secretive with yourself too!”

…

Revisiting my relationships, I could see that the inability to deal with conflict was not the cause of my relationship problems. It was merely a symptom of both me and my love interests keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves. We were both secretive.

The behaviors that we both exhibited were not exactly the issue, but we acted to protect ourselves from each other. Being secretive was something I (secretly) adopted from an early age and it was something I saw in my household.

I didn’t think that it was a bad thing per se, but I knew it wasn’t helpful. And I definitely didn’t know that I was secretive.

So there’s the irony. While it was a friend who helped me see the light, I often ignored and avoided him because he was the polar opposite to me in the trait that was screwing up my relationships.

The irony is that I thought we were better friends when he withheld information! Similarly, the women who were actually transparent scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t take them seriously until now.

Now that I will be more transparent, I can date people who are more transparent. Yes, it is uncomfortable at first, but this is what I genuinely wanted all along.

To apply this principle in your own life, do you find that you suffer from the same relationship patterns? I still have friends, family and clients who do. It’s natural to ask those closest to you what they think.

The advice that makes the least sense might be what you’re looking for, but if you don’t understand it, you won’t be able to apply the advice properly.

Because of this, it is important to be open to what people say because they may have a point. The people telling you what you want to hear cannot help you. The people telling you what you’ve already tried cannot help you.

Therefore, you have to do the unthinkable. Look at all the ways you protect yourself in a relationship and see if these things are hurting you and/or others.

For example, boundaries are important in every relationship. But there’s a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls keep people out and keep you protected from others but you cannot feel the warmth of others anymore than you can give them your warmth.

Being able to move on from the end of a relationship is a necessary thing. After all, nothing lasts forever. But if you try to protect yourself from the grief of loss, you’re not doing yourself any favors. It’s important to grieve, to let the emotions out for a relationship and a person that you care about.

Trying to control the other person, whether by intimidation or by being nice to them may seem like the only way to get people to give you love.

However, you need to consider that if you were to stop your tactics, do they really love you? Your protection from being unloved may lead to you being an abuser or being abused.

Because we tend to hang out with people who are like us, they are often not equipped to give us the answers to our problems. They often have the same problems.

So when you hear some advice that seems strange or even wrong, but it’s from someone you respect, they really may have a point.

Then ask yourself, “how do I protect myself in relationships?” Your response can be the answer you’ve been looking for.

But if you find a link between this answer and the advice that you were given, you might’ve just unlocked the realization that someone had the answer all along.

You just couldn’t see it until now.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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