You’re Picking the Wrong Partner Every Time (Here’s the Shocking Secret to Finding ‘The One’)

Selecting a life partner could be one of the most gamble-like choices we ever take in our lives. The right person can make the difference between becoming happy or traumatized, healthy or sick, wealthy or poor, secure about ourselves, or extremely insecure.

When we encounter someone we date, they can enhance and enhance all of the great in our life — or kill it slowly. So how do you identify the right person for you? Not only someone who meets the boxes on paper but someone who fits with who you are, imperfections and all?

Let’s begin by discussing how we end up believing someone is “the one.” Imagine this: you meet someone who seems to be just the type of person you imagine yourself with.

They’re similar to your kind — face, hair, figure, race — everything matches up with what’s been in your head. They’re charming and charismatic in the ways you’re interested in.

They walk with what you envisioned that they would walk with, possessing the sort of sense of humor you adore and lots of so-called “unusual pairings.” They are sexy and funny, ambitious but playful, and boastful yet not arrogant.

Whatever the precise mixture of their personality, it’s very close to the precise combination of things you want in an individual. We usually say “right on paper” to refer to someone who marginally matches our requirements — job, age, profile.

There is also “right in my heart,” which is when, given the experience we share with a person, our heart completely believes that they are right for us. So, we cling on with hope that God would please not let our fantasies about this person be dashed by the other shoe falling. And then it occurs.

They get around to informing you that they’ve made up their minds they don’t want to keep dating you or being in a relationship with you.

It stings — badly. Not the sort of hurt we experience when we’re betrayed by someone who’s been cheating on us or love-bombed us into loving them and then vanished. Those things leave us with open emotional wounds, sure.

But the pain we feel when one that we’ve chosen as “the right one” spurns us runs deeper. Particularly if we’ve decided they’re the very sort of person we would wish to share our lives with.

Here’s the reality check: none of the things I’ve said so far — looks, charm, humor, ambition — make an individual right for you. They might add to someone being right for you, but they all lack one single ingredient that makes an individual the right person for you personally.

To best comprehend this ingredient, we must first recognize that we’re human. We’re all off the pedestal, none of us.

We all have our things — insecurities, habits, and behaviors that are specific to us.

Some of these things make us wonderful to be around, and others make us difficult. For instance, consider two individuals in a relationship. One may have a problem with anxiety, always fearing things will not go right in life.

The other may be extremely sensitive, requiring reassurance to feel safe. These qualities can cause them to be “too much” for certain individuals, who may opt not to be with them because of this.

And that’s fine. Perhaps the other people didn’t want to have to endure the nervousness or the sensitivity. That does not make them horrible. It just means the other person was not the right fit.

The most important thing to understand is that one may be wonderful and yet be inappropriate for you. And that doesn’t imply there’s anything wrong with you.

There is such a thing as “awesome person, wrong person.” I’ve learned that most of us are wrong for most people — even people who look at us and think we’re the kind of person they want.

But the right person for you won’t judge your flaws.

They’ll have compassion for them. They’ll comprehend where your challenges originate and truly value the special requirements that accompany them. This is the heart of compatibility.

It’s not necessarily about finding someone who’s perfect or who fits every box on your list. It’s about finding someone whose messy pieces fit with your messy pieces.

The best person for you is someone who understands the complete package that is you — imperfections and all — and chooses it. They love your flaws along with seeing just how unique you are.

When you encounter someone like this, you’ll feel safer about yourself when you part ways with them, not in danger. That is because they will have not spent all their time dazzling you with their glowing traits.

They will have also spent time observing yours. You’ll be seen and accepted by them.

And the best part is, you never know what kind of person this is going to turn out to be or how they will look.

They could be completely outside of your box and not your “type.” But when you do find it, it will truly work.

One of embracing this reality and reconciling with the individuals we are deeply attracted to but end up separating from is realizing that relationships are not created on feelings.

They’re constructed on compatibility. Our role is to acknowledge this feeling when we experience it. It’s a sense of coming home — a homecoming that arises out of fulfilling one of our most basic needs: the need to be seen, accepted, and loved for who we are.

As Mr. Rogers would say, “When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the facade.” And the only way that we can do that is if we take care of business with ourselves first.

This isn’t just the kind of love you deserve — it’s the kind of love you need to be happy. Discovering that kind of love is never guaranteed, but it’s definitely within reach for everyone.

Two decades of experience has taught me you simply have to make the right choices. And that begins, as Mr. Rogers taught us, by loving ourselves the way we want someone to love us.

If you don’t know how to love yourself that way, that’s where the journey starts. Because when you do, you won’t just find the right person for you — you’ll become the right person for them, too.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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