Tim Stobierski thinks John Mayer’s hit song “Daughters” is damaging to both men and women.
And before we go any further, just let me say: yes, I know it’s an old song. I had actually forgotten about its existence some time ago. But I was reminded of my loathing for the song yesterday, when it came on the “retro-rewind” special on my favorite radio station. Seeing that the song is at least relevant enough to still be played on the radio, I wanted to make sure I addressed it before I forgot about it again.
To sum it up in one statement, this is one of the most openly sexist songs that I have ever seen rise to the rank of #1 hit. People love it, despite the negative messages that it reinforces in our society.
Although I do have to admit, I don’t think that it was John Mayer’s intention to write a sexist song. In all honesty, if just one stanza had been removed from the lyrics of the song, it would remain the beautiful and loving appeal to fathers that it was meant to be.
But this one stanza—six lines in total—is enough to counteract every positive image that the first four stanzas create:
Boys, you can break.
You find out how much they can take.
Boys will be strong
and boys soldier on,
but boys would be gone without the warmth from
a woman’s good, good heart.
Wait a minute. Did I hear that right? No, I couldn’t have. Let me go back and listen to it again. Crap.
In one fell swoop, John Mayer managed to take a pretty positive song and turn it into an attack against both women and men. If it wasn’t so idiotic, I’d think he had done it on purpose—it takes a skilled hand to pull off such a swift turnaround. It just surprises me that something like this could have been done by accident.
This stanza is a double-edged sword because for everything sexist idea it reinforces about men, it says the opposite about women.
Why is it, Mr. Mayer, that it’s okay to break boys? Why is it alright to push them, to “find out how much they can take”? And why did you decide it was a good idea, right in the middle of this overbearingly sweet song, to hit the listener with the image of boy-as-soldier?
Oh, that’s right. Because that’s the role that society tells us that men are supposed to play. Boys are warriors. They are meant to fight and to be strong. So it’s okay to push them—they’ll bounce back. They’re resilient, after all. They’re boys.
Never mind the young boys who have committed suicide because they were pushed by their parents to do things that they didn’t want to do. Never mind those who suffered from years of psychiatric problems because they couldn’t be the stereotypically male specimen that their fathers wanted them to be—those who weren’t good enough at sports, those who were wallflowers, those who were (dear God!) gay.
They just weren’t up to snuff, I suppose.
And to take a close look in the other direction: exactly why is it that we can’t push girls? Why can’t we “break” them? Are we to believe that it isn’t in the nature of girls to be strong enough to push back in the way that boys are “supposed” to? Or is it that when girls are pushed and broken, they take on qualities that we don’t want to see in our “lovers” and in our “mothers”?
If the last statement in the above paragraph is indeed true, I suppose that means that we don’t want strong, self-possessed women. We don’t want women who can hold their own, women who know how to fight back.
We don’t want women who are like men.
And, conversely, we must not want men who are like women.
We’re supposed to be moving towards a society that’s open and accepting of the differences that make each of us unique, and yet a song like this, which reinforces gender stereotypes on both ends of the spectrum, makes it to the top of the charts?
I hope I’m not the only one who sees something wrong with that.
—Photo Tom BKK/Flickr
So, I know its too late to comment on this article, but I will anyway. I love this song. Among other things, it summarizes my wife’s terrible relationship with her father, and my failure to understand that a lot of the problems in our rerlationship “got nothin’ to do with me.” And no, it doesn’t say its OK to break boys, it just says you “can.” In this case, I think it refers to breaking them to your will, like breaking a horse. They are still (dys?)functional, if damaged. Women (and men) may shatter and become non-functional after very distructive… Read more »
A fine example (I believe) of gender bias in the media , not so much for what is says but what it doesn’t say. http://thecnnfreedomproject.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/16/chocolate-explainer/?hpt=hp_bn2 The articles is about child slavery as it relates to the production of chocolate. I did a search in the article for the word boy, girl, male, female. None were found, iow, gender of the slaves doesn’t matter. So I did some searching at child slavery sites etc. and found that all the children who are forced into this are boys , which makes sense as they would be stronger and be able to produce… Read more »
I think you’ve misinterpreted the first line of the stanza that goes in the context of the song as a whole. Sure, we can go through numerous songs and pick them apart line-by-line, and out of context to make them fit our perceptions. I think you make a point, but I think “Boys, you can break” is portraying to boys, that it is OKAY to break. Instead of how boys are typically conditioned, to be tough, strong, never show weakness etc. Mayer is saying to boys “It’s ok” to not be strong, tough, or to show emotion. I think there… Read more »
No, Jeremy, it’s saying that since boys are always predators, and dead beat dads, and women are pathetic eternal victims of boys, and boys are strong enough to overcome anything, a good punch in the job by their fathers while their kids has good shot at stopping them from becoming like that.
It’s the whole theme of the damn song.
The rest of the song is just as vile as that verse. It paints women as eternal, sweet, natured victims of the evil, always evil men – even fathers, if you thought fathers were good, you wouldn’t need to as them to treat their daughters right, and only their daughters right; and only your daughter will love like you do. Your son; well, even if he’ll become a father like you, he won’t. He’ll be a bastard that uses and abuses his wife and children. It is a vile, vile song, and it’s just one of many, many, many. Most… Read more »
Wow – I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song. But this article made me curious so I looked up the lyrics, and to say the least, they are seriously problematic.
There are real problems in the world. This ain’t one of them. This is going to extremes to find something to be offended about..
Eric? Agreed! So much trouble and sadness in the world. Is this really what offends you? C’mon!
While I understand there are bigger issues in the world to worry about, from human rights abuses to poverty and hunger, I stand by the article. When someone is telling you how to raise your children, you need to take the time to stop and consider the facts. That’s one of the points I was making with the essay.
I like the fact the article uses a real-life example of how we can find gender roles in even the most innocent of pop culture. What I don’t like is the way you write “But this one stanza—six lines in total—is enough to counteract every positive image that the first four stanzas create:” I don’t think, if I met you in person, you’d be able to say that to me with a straight face. While I applaud your article’s interesting spin, I think it would have been better to examine this piece in a different context (but then would it… Read more »
Franky, Point taken. If we examine the song in the context of the society it is appealing to, then sure, it’s a positive piece. But that raises the issue of why he’s appealing to that society of ” ‘normal’ gender stereotypes” to begin with. And the other issue of why our society views these stereotypes as “normal.” And I will just say that, as an English major in college, I grew very used to making these kinds of statements and needing to back them up — especially when dealing with poetry (and music is its own little kind of poetry,… Read more »
The “normal” gender roles of society is for women to be entitled to their feelings even if it goes against reality, and men being the disposable mule, ATM machine, meat shield, and violence dispenser on behalf of women’s feelings and entitlements.
And yeah, the song fits perfectly with those “normal” gender roles; of course the “normal” gender roles are horrible misandric, male-exploitative pieces of crap, aka extremely negative, and thus the song is negative either way.
There’s also the somewhat sexist idea that boys are emotionally incomplete without girls, which is what I read in the last two lines. I’m sure many gay men would disagree. It also suggests that women have the role of redeeming men from their lost ways. No pressure, girls….
So many awesome points here, wellokaythen.
This isn’t about not like John Mayer, the song is sort of a representation of some things we’re guilty of in our society, which aren’t so great for us as a whole—men and women.
You guys don’t need us to “redeem” you and that’s a ridiculous responsibility to put upon us. Autonomy is awesome.
I’m glad you picked up on that issue wellokaythen! I thought about that point like thirty minutes after the piece was up, so I’m happy someone else brought it out in the discussion. There are just so many things in this song that seem to say that the “traditional” way (in regards to relationships, child-rearing, etc) is the *only* way
Excellent comment. I like how you bring out how it’s unfair to both men and women , this “saved by the love of a good woman” meme. Because it is.
Look at what happens to a man who can’t find a woman and you will see how clearly men need women in their lives, in all sorts of contexts. Violence http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674278714 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-beast/200907/sex-violence-and-hormones Health http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/1820483.stm If there is a masculine energy in existence, it needs a feminine energy to keep itself in check and in balance, and vice versa. Interestingly enough, this can manifest itself in same sex relationships, and even in relationships which are non-sexual. For the majority of us however, who are straight and do not have gender-identity issues, it tends to be that men desire women and women… Read more »
This has more to do with society openly valuing one gender over another as seen through the eyes and lyrics of one particular song and one particular song writer. This article is a snapshot of a cultural moment that’s completely unsuitable for framing all the nuanced arguments of gender parity.
Yes, and those studies and claims are also false if not outright lying.
When you check the statistics you find female violence rising, while violence overall, and thus male violence is lowering. When you further check the statistics you find that 85% of derailed youth, both male and female, are fatherless, and it is completely regardless of whether or not they are single.
Further, testosterone does not make a man aggressive, it makes a woman aggressive. Testosterone makes a man more just, fair, and well-ballanced. Estrogen is what makes a man aggressive.
“If there is a masculine energy in existence, it needs a feminine energy to keep itself in check and in balance, and vice versa.”
And a whole person has both in him.
I am a gay man. The only thing I need a woman for is to get out of my way.
I have had issue with this song for this EXACT reason. In addition, I *don’t* love some of his other shiz. I mean, the whole “Half of My Heart” business? There’s a lot in there that’s wrong in relationships, if you ask me. Regardless, apologies for wandering off. I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Plus, to me, it’s really interesting that some get caught up in “don’t be a hater on John Mayer!” (is that a rhyme?) and completely miss the point. Further, women get upset about this, miss the underlying sexist point to say that, but don’t comment on… Read more »
It’s pretty easy to determine whether it’s sexist or not. Replace “Boy” with “Girl” (you decide):
Girls, you can break.
You find out how much they can take.
Girls will be strong
and girls soldier on,
but girls would be gone without the warmth from
a man’s good, good heart.
Good point Patrick.
When in doubt reverse the genders.
Good test, in a “good for the goose” kind of way.
Just watch VH1 Storytellers and listen to the explanation on the song Daughters.
That’s all.
And I agree with Stephanie. Leave the guy alone. Go and bring someone else down for once.
Yeah but isn’t “Daughters” the type of overt sexism that is so analogous to what women complain to as being socially accepted?
YES.
Listen, I dig John Mayer, but that song is jacked up. Here’s what I think BuenoBaby is sensing… He’s not saying, “don’t treat your kids like crap because it’s wrong to do to them and they deserve your respect and love.” He’s saying, “don’t treat your daughters like crap because one day they will grow up to be the girl I’m dating and they’ll be batshit crazy because of you. Oh and they grow up to be mothers, too, so you know, don’t be a dick.” This doesn’t diminish my affection his other songs. I blame most of this on… Read more »
Perhaps John Mayer was speaking from his own experience, having grown up with two brothers and no sisters in the house? I don’t think it was a blanket statement to say “boys have to be this, girls must be that.” I think it’s a bit of contrast and a bit of poetic license, and perhaps some irony. Listen to the song: John wonders why it’s his fault the girl he loves can’t love him back…he tries to “clean up the mess her father made” in his girl’s heart…and maybe the bridge of the song is about the way that father… Read more »
“All I know is that John Mayer is an amazing guitarist, songwriter and poet, and the point of this song is to tell all parents to be good to all children, ” If your idea of being a good parent “to all children” and you think that includes treating boys like they are 1. disposable and 2. dependent on some woman to exist or survive, then you probably should not be allowed to raise a boy. He wouldn’t be safe around you. MODERATOR’S NOTE: This comment is an ad hominem attack and not allowed under our commenting policy. This is… Read more »
No, no he does not say one should be good to all children, he says you must especially be good, aka attend to every whim of girl, because otherwise she’ll be a total mess. (In actually, catering to every whim of a girl as opposed o teacher her limits, accountability and responsibility is what will turn women in the type he describes.) In other words, he says girls are pathetic, sweet and eternal victims and be good to them.
Then he proceeds to say that boys are awesome, strong and will overcome so you can abuse them however you wish.
amen.
I know what lines you’re talking about and I’ve always felt the same. Also, I can’t really explain it, but there is something about that song that creeps me out. I agree that melodically it’s beautiful, and yes, the idea of treating your children “good” is nice…there’s just creepiness somewhere in there!
Oh for God sakes! Leave Mayer alone! People take something so minor and just run with it and if any of you knew him, you’d know how stupid you sound! Jeez….
Thats… not minor. Attitudes like that are a big problem. I’m sure hes a lovely guy in person but lyrics like that are screwed up.
totally agree with you Stephanie..
I agree with Peter. Sure, it’s probably more likely that he doesn’t realize what he’s saying, because he’s steeped in gender stereotypes about men and women, as the rest of us are.
That DOES NOT, however, negate the point here, and it’s a good one. It’s not minor, even if it might seem that way. Yes, it’s indicative of larger societal problems, and maybe we shouldn’t pick on him specifically, but still. Let’s not miss the greater point. (Plus, I think he can handle it – and, were he ever to read this, maybe would learn something).
I’m curious about the defense of John Mayer. I don’t think we’ve ever run a piece on him, at least not in a long time. And like you said, Nikki, I don’t think we’re picking on him, but rather on something he probably had no intention he was doing.
Where does the defensiveness come from, you think?
John Mayer is awful regardless of this song!
Amen!