Inspired by educator and porn pioneer Buck Angel, Julie Gillis ponders what it is that makes a man.
I was lucky enough to be a panelist at this year’s SXSW Interactive and was able to see a number of amazing films and speakers. One such film was Mr. Angel a documentary directed by Dan Hunt, and it was raw, vulnerable, and honest.
“Shot over six years, Mr. Angel chronicles the extraordinary life of transgender advocate, educator and porn pioneer, Buck Angel. His in-your-face style of activism has audiences outraged by his insistence that he is ‘a man who happens to have a vagina.’
Buck has survived addiction, homelessness, suicide and relentless opposition to his gender expression. Still, he lives his truth without compromise or apology.
This feature length documentary explores Buck’s moving story to understand the complexities of someone who overcame incredible obstacles, then shamelessly sought the spotlight and its backlash, to share his message of empowerment. This is an inspirational story of rare perseverance and an unlikely hero.”
I will not state that I am an expert in terms of gender, gender binaries which hold sway in our current sexual discourse, transgender issues and politics, or why America is so damnably closed-minded about all of it. But I will say that I believe in the right to live comfortably in one’s own body, the right to love (consensually) the person(s) they love, and the right to live a life with health, education, and pleasure.
As such, this movie was right up my alley.
Buck Angel was born female but never felt female. Buck felt male inside and the inside did not match the outside and over the course of many years, began living life as a man, after deep strain with his family in and his personal life. The documentary follows personal interviews with Buck, his wife Elayne, Buck’s sister and parents, as well as friends and peers who have supported Buck through his transitions and growing career. The film captures that painful difficulty well, but also shows the amazing life Buck and Elayne have built, filled with love and reconciliation, fierce advocacy and intense hard work, focus and a passion for helping others.
It can be extremely hard to move through transition, and many people who move from a one gender into another do a complete physical transformation including genitals but what’s really thrown people for a loop, has been Buck’s resistance to that. He’s kept his vulva and vagina.
This really seems to rattle people, to put it mildly.
Of all the things in the film that struck me, it was that while people may (MAY) be beginning to understand that a person might have the wrong external gender to match their internal experience and that a full transition is needed, even medically, to help that person, keeping parts of both really just makes people lose it.
This full integration of Buck’s, of being a man who also has female genitals has led to people sending Buck hate mail, angry looks, deep stigmatization by various members of the LGBT communities, and even push-back from the adult movie industry, though that’s shifted more recently. The documentary itself took 6 years to film because it was nearly unfundable.
The resistance to Buck, to trans, to gender expression brings up such questions and feelings for me. What defines us? Our bodies? How our minds sit within our bodies? Are our minds actually part of our limbs, our cells in our core, our blood, and not just this division (another binary isn’t it mind and body) that we’ve decided on, that we have any control at all over how our inner experience needs to be expressed.
Why can’t a man have a vagina? Why can’t a woman have a penis? Why are we so hell-bent on believing that all the stuff that makes up our genitals is so different? It all starts out the same, the nerves work similarly. Our bodies are just not that different compared to how they could be.
And even less physically, what do any of us do when we meet someone that doesn’t “fit?” When a child, our own flesh and blood, doesn’t “fit” some preconceived and deeply culturally embedded idea of what “boy” or “girl” should be. Or women who feel masculine and aggressive but like their female bodies. Or men who feel feminine and shy and like their male bodies. Or any combination therein.
Even more, I think about how we treat people who risk everything just to find alignment with who they are, how that says everything about us as a people, and as a culture.
And right now we are failing, so hard.
We are so filled with fear and anger about sex, we are coated with shame and guilt and a desire to just tamp it all down into shiny easy to figure out boxes, when life just won’t be contained. It harms us all to live this way.
And it seems as simple as that, yes? Accepting people for who they are, for how they are, realizing that just as we may make inner transitions in our lives-marriage, jobs, getting sober, or not, going to school, moving…we may also have physical transitions.
But even the first are not easy are they? Change can mean death, fear, loss, across the boards. We are visual creatures, political creatures, group creatures, and perhaps we just can’t evolve ourselves (all together at least) fast enough to accept that others aren’t like “us.”
But WE aren’t even like “us,” that’s the thing! Who gets to define “normal?”
I wear pants, have had short hair. Feel at times quite masculine inside myself. Does that make me more or less of a woman? My clothes? Or style? I’m damn sure that nearly all of us have something that doesn’t feel like it “fits.” So why not embrace each other more? Help each other fit, rather than hide so fearfully, shutting people out. Take some steps like by supporting non profits like Trans Youth Family Allies, an amazing non-profit which supports families whose children are, or show signs of being, trans.
(FYI, Children often do their best to let parents know something is up, whether through clothing choices or other actions. The earlier parents can recognize and support their children, the more emotional and physical health and safety, not to mention love, those children will experience, just as they should.)
I want it to be easy, but it’s not easy, not at all. There are cultural and societal dynamics in the US that make it damn near impossible to even talk about sex, let alone live a fully integrated life if one doesn’t “fit” the norm, but that’s I write, that’s why so many of us, like Mr. Angel himself, advocate for education, acceptance, understanding.
We have to keep moving into the light of life and change, of play and hope, of possibility rather than limits, because change is gonna happen whether any of us like it or not.
The least we can do is try harder to be kinder to each other when it happens. If we can’t do that we are truly lost.
After seeing the film and meeting Mr. Angel himself, I can say this for certain; Buck Angel is an amazing man, as much because HE knows he is, never mind what we all worry about. That’s powerful, right there, that ownership of self and I respect him and his passion for honesty, presence, and being an advocate.
These are the things I think about, what Buck’s movie made me think about and that? That’s why I highly recommend this film. So that you’ll think about it, too.
Photo: Wikipedia
I’ll tell you one thing that makes a man: not whining about how evil society forces you, poor fragile kid, to become a “horrible stereotype”.
Don, this article serves to reinforce the stereotypes the only difference between men and women is the clothes they wear, the length of their hair, and their genitals. How superficial can people be? Should it be a surprise that there is internal turmoil? Women can change the outside, replace their hormones, and mimic male behaviors, but that still doesn’t change the fact that there is more to being a man than a “horrible stereotype”. We have identities and feelings too.
I agree, I was beign a bit snarky. Men have identities, traditions, instincts, codes and ways of thinking and feeling that are different from women’s. Reptilian brain hardwiring (where instintos reside) is one of the things than make men behave like men and that a bunch of plastic surgery, acting and hormones can’t change.
I agree these people must be respected even if their behavior strikes us as weird. Wat I don’t like isi these people (which are a trifle) attacking beign used as a flag to attack masculinity.
How is Buck attacking masculinity? I’d disagree that it’s reptilian brain hardwiring, first of all. You are talking about identities, traditions, and codes-that’s all social and cultural. Instincts? Maybe.
Do some research on intersex conditions, on transgender biology and then maybe we can keep discussing. It’s bigger than the exterior, it has it’s very heart in what happens in the womb during development based on washes of hormones from the mother. Brains literally are affected by these hormones.
I like to think that nature in hir infinite wisdom knows it takes all kinds to make a world full and flourishing.
Of course hormones and chemicals have an effect on an unborn child and those chemical agents may alter the child’s metabolism and molecular composition. However, neurological research clearly indicates sex differences in brain activity. There has also been research on mind functioning and behavioral differences. Not only are our brains hardwired differently, they function differently. Much of this progressive research has expanded in the last 5-10 years and is proving that men and women have fundamental differences that were overlooked or discounted in previous decades. Discounting science is a personal choice at this point. The physical and biological science still… Read more »
I think we are taking past each other. Buck believes he is male and always has. His parents didn’t make him act like a boy. I more than most don’t see men as that stereotype but complex people. Peace.
Thank you very much for this.
A great article Julie. Really thought provoking ideas, Buck! The tyranny of gender roles has been a huge burden on world. The world just doesn’t quite know it yet. Thanks to both of you…
Exactly why our work is so important. Because people like this person who comments about me and the adult entertainment business have no basis of proof. These are the people that support war and hate but talk negative about sex. Go figure? No wonder our world is so messed up.
If this persone were to actually watch my film I wonder if they would get it.
Thanks again Julie for all your support and your amazing work teaching the world about love and acceptance.
WOOF
Buck Angel
You got it, Buck! XOXO
O.K., let me start off by saying one of my core beliefs is we all have a ‘Right to be’, as in , we were all put on this earth as we are so therefore, we all have a right to be here as we are. Really though Julie, your champion in all of this is a Porn Star? I mean, are you going to sit your children in front of the TV and pop in a DVD of this persons ‘Work’ as an example of ‘Tolerance’?
Bobbt, you are silly. I’m celebrating his life and frankly I didn’t talk a lot about his porn work. I talked about his family, his advocacy with other trans individuals, his marriage, his reconciliation with his family and I also talked a WHOLE lot about gender. That everyone here commenting is focusing on the porn is telling to me. I’ve moderated enough comments here and read enough posts to know that porn is a popular subject and topic, that it’s a form of pleasure and use for MANY men on the boards here and MANY of them (possibly you Bobbt,… Read more »
Guess you missed the first sentence in my reply? If Mr. Angel wants to live as a man, a woman, or the tooth fairy, it’s none of my business nor do I really care. “Buck has survived addiction, homelessness, suicide…” So have many ‘Straight’ and ‘Gay’ people. What exactly is “Living as a Man” today anyway? He has a loving and supportive wife? So do many Lesbians. He seems fond of tattoos, but both sexes today are. I mean, they’re 100% physical males walking around with penises that don’t ‘work’. Are they no longer men? If I saw Mr. Angel… Read more »
Also, sorry about the comment about ‘ the kids in front of the TV’. That WAS uncalled for.
Yes it was. Thanks for apologizing. What I’m soon is supporting a person. I’m not discussing te porn industry which yes, I do find problematic much of it, though not all, and that doesn’t matter to the article That’s not my focus. Buck is. Gender is.
See my earlier reply. This is about buck not porn.
Thanks for stopping by here, Buck, and thanks for this post, Julie. It always baffles me why anyone would care that another person choses to life their life however they wanted to, as long as those choices don’t hurt others.
It’s because people lead sad and often pain-filled lives and can only be made to feel better by tearing others down.
Buck thank you so much for having the amazing courage to share your story with the world! The only way we can truly change people’s attitudes is by making the issues about real people with faces and names!
Julie, this story of yours is way out there. You have written a column that glorifies “educator and porn pioneer Buck Angel.” Porn pioneer? Pornography is a modern day scourge of men and boys. It is evil, sucking the life out of the imagination of people and destroys a healthy attitude towards self and sexuality. I highly recommend that you read Chris Hedges book, “Empire of Illusions: the End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle.” Then come back and trumpet porno. I feel quite sorry for this “Buck Angel”. She – He has some very serious emotional issues surrounding… Read more »
Well said. I wonder why the author glorifies transgenderism and porn culture but has the audacity criticize closed-minded Americans. Some American Dads believe transgendering their child is a form of child abuse and sets their child up life-long emotional turmoil, but I guess that make us close-minded Neanderthals. I suppose the closed-minded Americans should trade are old heroes and replace them with porn pioneers. Call me closed-minded if you will, but most of the world still raises our sons and daughters as heterosexuals and try our damnedest not glorify the porn culture, we do this out of love for our… Read more »
I raise my children to live as honestly as who they are as possible. So far they’ve turned out wonderfully. If your child grew up and was gay, would you feel as if you were a failure for not “raising him heterosexual?” How about raising him to be a loving, kind, compassionate person who knows they are accepted for who they are. That seems audacious to you? No one “transgenders” a child. Children are born either feeling in alignment with their gender or knowing something is off/wrong. We do need heroes in this country. And I”d prefer those who champion… Read more »
What is audacious is calling an entire nation closed-minded because they don’t accept your position. I’m not sure if you are familiar with what is happening in the US. Some parents are transgendering their children. They assume something is amiss when a child takes an interest in toys marketed for the opposite sex or have problems relating to their same-sex tendencies and curiosities. Children will go through phases as they develop and will question their identity. It’s unsafe to assume “no one transgenders” a child and doesn’t play into the child’s phase or shame a child for a phase. Some… Read more »
“What is audacious is calling an entire nation closed-minded because they don’t accept your position.”
Yeah, um… spoken like a true open-minded person. A career in standup comedy beckons.
Julie, I agree 100% that we need to raise our children to be proud of who they are and not what society, or even we as parents expect them to be! If we show our children love and respect they will in turn love and respect those people they come into contact with throughout their lives!
Thank you for this post! It is a tough subject and I respect you greatly for being brave enough to write it!
Thanks Kathryn!
Moderator edited
Stlhdsal, you do realize that pretending to confuse pronouns, repeatedly, just makes you look like a stupid right?
Somehow I feel like some of the original message was lost in editing. LOL