For the straight guys out there, I’m wondering if you’ve ever been in a situation where the woman you were with didn’t want you to do the expected masculine thing, and how you managed that.
I’m not talking about big time self-sacrifice, women-and-children-first type deal. But have you ever been in a situation where she opted to
carry a heavy package?
hold the cab door open for you?
link your arm in hers instead of the other way around?
Think back to a time like that (if it hasn’t happened, just imagine what that would be like): What thoughts came up? What did you imagine other people would say?
Or maybe other people did say.
Were you wondering whether they were judging you? Maybe they were thinking,
What kind of guy lets his girlfriend carry that? He must be some kind of wimp. If he really loved her he’d be holding it for her. Jerk. Loser. She’d be better off with me, a real man. In fact, maybe I’ll offer to carry that for her just to see what he does…
Ok, that was brutal. If you’re not already there, drop into the feeling. What did it feel like that moment you realized she opened the door and expected you to get in the cab first or held the elevator door open? How did you feel walking out of Home Depot with her carrying the bag of bathroom tiles?
Maybe some anger—“This is my role and others are looking. Just let me do it, goddamit!”
Maybe demeaned—“Why are you treating me like a child?”
Perhaps there’s some relief—“I didn’t buy the tiles, why should I have to carry them? They’re heavy. Wait, are people looking at us?”
Very likely, if you scratch underneath these feelings we get to something else: shame.
Shame? Seriously? I’m Just Trying to Be a Gentleman Like My Father Taught Me
So much of the work we do to ensure our place in society are basically attempts at avoiding shame. If we honestly look at the small things we, as men—particularly cis-gendered men—do under the guise of “being a gentleman” we could see how belittling it can be to the women we know.
We know this because when those expected roles are switched up for just a moment we have strong emotional responses. Belittled and shame are two strong ones. And those are pretty uncomfortable ones, in fact, it’s easy to see how a man may bypass a woman’s desire to carry
her own heavy box and wrench it out of her hand just so he didn’t feel that way anymore. Is it any wonder that Floyd Dell in 1916 wrote that “Feminism is going to make it possible for the first time for men to be free”?
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I knew a man who appeared incapable of not holding the door open for others. While he’d often do it for anyone (men included), if a woman attempted to hold the door, well, he just wouldn’t budge. He’d have to do it. He’d put his arm over their arm and just wait. And wait. And if, somehow, you did manage to outlast him and hold the door for him—Jesus, he was pissed. He was a great guy, though. Easy going, hard worker, family man. But He Holds The Door. He just can’t manage the feelings otherwise and everyone else has to change behavior to accommodate him.
Relationships Based on Who We Are—Not What Role We Are Playing
If something as simple as that (a door!) brings up such emotion, don’t you think it’s worth looking into why? If it’s present in such a little thing then we can just imagine what it will look like on the larger scale. Actually, we don’t have to imagine. We just need to look at government. Businesses. We need to listen to what women are telling us and sit with that new perspective even if our first response is to get defensive.
There’s no law saying that men need to carry heavy boxes for women. But there are internal, gut, seemingly innate feelings that keep this “non-law” in place. Our punishment for not following it is shame—from others or from ourselves. It keeps us doing one thing, it keeps women doing something else.
And it keeps us all distracted from having relationships with others that are based on choices. That are based in who the other person actually is and not the role you and they are supposed to be playing with and for each other.
Dismantling this can actually allow us to have deep, true, messy relationships and feel actually free for the first time.
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Justin Lioi lives in Brooklyn, NY where he has a private practice that specializes in men's counseling. He has worked with families since 2008 and after several years of listening to fathers speak mostly about their children decided to put their needs front and center. He is a former New York actor and Music Together teacher and is an elected member of the National Association of Social Workers. He blogs regularly on men's issues as well as relationships and parenting at www.ParkSlopeTherapist.com.
So much of what third wave feminism is about is shaming men.
A whole bunch of us have figured that out, and no longer even pay attention to the constant yipping.