Good Men (and Women) can resist the empty, degrading advances of the cowards who catcall.
Hello! My name is Rebecca! If you’re like me, you’ve experienced the pain of being seen as inferior. Perhaps your personal perpetrator was a boss, parents, your alpha-male friends, your vindictive superego, or the promise of the life you never had. In other words, surely at some point you’ve been made to feel low. But as Good Men are empathetic and realistic enough to know, inferiority is much more institutionally and socially enforced when you are a woman.
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Ah, womanhood! Let me tell you about that mystical, pinkly glossy world! It’s awful. It makes me feel awful every day. As you’ve surely witnessed, females (or anyone perceived as female) encounter a barrage of catcalls, wolf whistles, creepy whispers, wet-smacking kissy noises, prolonged and insistent stares, hollered declarations of expletive-laden anger masquerading as “desire,” and the occasional penis pull-out. (Really? I think that’s just foolish. What if I had a knife?)
This verbal abuse happens everywhere: walking down the street, riding public transportation, existing in the world. Being decent bystanders, reasonable men must think to themselves upon witnessing this entitled, exploitative bullying, “What idiots, that’s no way to talk to a human.” Or “What idiots. That’s no way to get laid.”
I too have thought these things, but here’s the weird thing! I’m not the Everyman standing on the sidelines, scratching my head in disapproval as I witness this marvel of human grandiosity and insensitivity, this counter-productive shaming of sexuality that encourages people to hide their sexuality (not share it with you in mutually orgasmic rapture). I’m not the Everyman who then walks off in a different direction—male and undisturbed—to shoot some hoops and play some b-ball with my dudes on the courts (because that’s what I’ve been taught you people do).
No! Being female, I’m constantly shocked to discover that I’m the one caught in the crosshairs, I’m the one the average, unthinking male is trying to trip with a banana peel and call it a “compliment.” MA, YOU’RE SEXY (punch in the face). BOO-TI-FUL *snicker* YOU LOOK GOOD (stab to the gut). Silently seething, I feel tricked. I thought I was the Everyman! Because men are the default gender, and man is the synecdoche for human, and because I was taught I was equal, I’m still reeling, unendingly indignant to be casually browbeaten.
How do I make it stop? No matter how (ineffectually) I don my (camouflaging) “tomboy” gear, I get treated like a sex slave and a school nerd getting stuffed in a locker. Street harassment makes me feel hurt (to be teased), befuddled (to have my understanding of the diversity and richness of sexuality mutated, limited and used against me), and powerless (to stop it in any way what’s actively taught and encouraged by society). It makes me want to do all kinds of non-sexual, violent things.
This unexamined aggression is the first in a series of steps that dehumanizes 50 percent of the population, makes them more liable to hate themselves, be ashamed of themselves, be attacked, be raped, be killed. So let’s take a small collective step to stop it.
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So what can Good Men and Their Allies (that’s me, and the rest of the XX-chromosomal crowd) do about these high-strung and cripplingly insecure individuals who are collectively socialized to dominate and be dead inside!? Since we all know it’s about power and not about seduction (since no one I know has ever been compelled to fuck anyone who verbally kicks them in the face), we must band together to push back this cowardly display of “power.”
We must speak up when they yell. Encourage your female-bodied friends, lovers, mothers, and others not to be silent, humiliated recipients to this bizarre, manipulative bullying. This unexamined aggression is the first in a series of steps that dehumanizes 50 percent of the population, makes them more liable to hate themselves, be ashamed of themselves, be attacked, be raped, be killed. So let’s take a small collective step to stop it. You can help. Follow my lead!
The Hollaback! Movement has emboldened victims of street harassment to tell their stories, confront their attackers and work for a better, less hateful world. I want to embolden you to do the same! You male-bodied people have an unfair advantage. Use it for good! Defend people when harassment happens. Confront attackers when they attack. Encourage your XX-chromosome-laden friends to defend themselves and aver your support!
How do we all do it? Here are some of my tactics. They’ve worked sometimes, with some people, in some situations. These tactics are not foolproof. These tactics may be thwarted by many fools. Thusly, I recommend their usage only when the time is right—a time one can only determine for oneself.
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Situation #1: A dude with a saucy little saunter makes his way down the street. Shit, I think. He feels sad, sees my femaleness, and wants to show off. What do I do in this situation? Do I run? Hide? Look at the ground? I have tried all these methods. They fail.
“How you doin, sexy,” the presumptuous lad definitively puts forth. He is putting on a performance. I see this. I tell him, “Oh, hey. What did you call me? Sexy? That’s weird. I don’t feel sexy. I feel like I’m walking home.” Annoyed, confused, he sputters, “That’s the way it is around here… Brooklyn neighborhood… blah blah blah.” “Yes! I see why you’d say that. I guess it’s just that when someone I don’t know sort of aggressively speaks to me in an intimate manner, it makes me uncomfortable, like I have something in my teeth. But I’m sure you’re a wonderful/kind person with interesting ideas that I’ve never thought of, etc, etc, flattery, etc.—but I think it’s beneath your intelligence to oppress fellow humans the way perhaps you feel oppressed.”
We shake hands. Introduce ourselves. From now on, if we see each other on the street he will call me Rebecca, and I will call him by his name: Mohammed. Success! And how did it come to pass? I made connections, flattered him but showed him that his “opinion” was not unique. These dudes are buying into a corrupt system (of strong, dumb men and weak, compliant women), not being macho renegades.
I also find it better not to use the word ‘woman’ in these conversations and instead opt for ‘human’ in that it shows that it’s a universal thing—not about us v. them, not a gender thing. I (try to) behave myself with respect! I speak naturally and honestly, while being responsible and protective of myself. Ultimately, if I have an impact, it will be based more on my actions than words.
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Situation #2: An intimidating, yet pathetic, contingent of men who are scared to go out alone bobs theatrically in my direction. They wear similar outfits. They spew the same vitriol. They would clearly be BFFs if friendship and connection weren’t so, I don’t know, gay? This group says nothing to me, but stares hardly, meanly, and unforgiving-ly at my body.
I feel enraged and violated, so what do I do? Turn away, cross the street? Nope! I take out a Kleenex, loudly blow my nose and pantomime a hyper-stylized yawn, all while slouching my body and reaching my hairy armpit up to scratch an imaginary itch on my neck.
The scaredy-cat gaggle of too-cool boys recoils and looks confused. Can it be? It appears I am not their expected sexy girl victim. I am a weirdo. They can’t touch me. Success! They walk down the street, too befuddled to even tease me.
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Situation #3: Walking past a presumably empty pickup truck, an elfish fellow pops out of the side door like a creepy jack-in-the-box. “Hey baby!” Surprised, I reflexively walk on. “Why you no like me, baby?” He whines, taunting. I feel my blood begin to boil. “Hey, hey, HEY.” His whisper-shouts intensify and are interspersed with wet-kissy smacks and cold, glassy eyes. I start to think about rape.
What were you wearing? Baggy jeans and a jacket. What were you doing? Going for a walk. “Hey baby!” I feel sick with fear for his hypothetical daughters. I feel paralyzed by the slack, sloe-eyed gazes and possessive leers of Anonymous dudes reminding me I am not in control of the street.
A deep, murderous, cross-eyed, clown yell wells up in my chest cavity. I want to scream, tear at my torso, do psychotic jump-squats against a bike rack like a venomous jungle monkey with little beady, red, poisonous, glowing eyes, yawping and caw-cawing against the bike rack in front of that piece of shit’s innocently parked car. OOH OOH AHH AHH AHH AHH!!!
My fantasy of myself makes its way slowly into reality, and I hiss back weirdly at him, imagining myself a poisonous near-naked nonsexual beast (to clarify: because they don’t deserve to witness the raw and miraculous power of my sexuality, only my righteous rage). I cry! I sputter! I imagine that I evoke fear in the breasts of all idiots who harass women! I am their protector, their international secret weapon: a wronged and rabid primate who pounces on predators and bites off the heads of men who were raised violently, men whose own experience with women was violent.
I yell: OOH OOH AHH AHH! No more belittlement, no more fear! The elfin bully-man looks at me with a face that is superficially contemptuous, but actually disturbed. In any case, he’s ceased his mating calls. Success.
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In conclusion, street harassment is awful, as is the gender hierarchy, as is any system of oppression that rewards some for humiliating others. However, because we would all go to jail if we assailed our assailants and because responding to aggression with a non-response both encourages assailants and makes me personally feel impotent (rimshot/look, I feel weird about my metaphorical “phallus” too/we’re all in this together!), I suggest action.
Suggest action to your loved ones. Take action when you see harassment. Respond to objectification (of yourself or someone else) by engaging kindly, addressing people directly, or acting like the crazy person you know they really are. But don’t act like a victim because you’re not a victim. I’m not a victim; we’re all just people, man/woman. Street harassers are fundamentally fearful and contemptuous of lady humans. All people combating street harassment should upset their expectations by being kind, intelligent, direct, or weird as hell. Just do something.
—Photo FaceMePLS/Flickr
I agree that it is a serious problem. I was catcalled on a street by girl. Despite popular opinion, as a man who was catcalled I know that catcalled men, like women, experience feelings of humiliation and fear. It’s not a joke, it’s serious no matter who does it to whom.
http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/46456_509967629463_84200423_30384029_307866_n.jpg
I wish someone would step up and speak about street harassment as a GENERAL phenomenon, perpetrated yes, often by men, but occasionally by women and *VERY* OFTEN -AGAINST- MEN. If harassment of women is as bad and prevalent as it apparently is, harassment of gay men must be unbearable. In my younger and more obvious years, I could hardly go downtown (whether in one of the bigger southern cities I’ve lived in, or in some upstate NY city) without hearing something. On one occasion I ducked a bottle. On another, I was obviously laughed at by two women passing me… Read more »
Great point, Michael P. All disadvantaged communities and people without institutionally-abetted power suffer from harassment. Very good to bring this up. I would also say that the harassment gay men receive is often based on their acting “like women” which is why I think looking into harassment against women as a base would probably help us understand harassment against many groups of people who are harassed for behaving “less than” or having the gall to reject their male privilege, which is very threatening to people whose masculinity is so insecure it needs constant reaffirmation.
I’ve experienced plenty of harassment from the Mexican community where I live. I haven’t lately because I don’t go out on foot anymore now that I can drive, but when I was in middle school, I’d receive catcalls from men old enough to be my father and grandfather. It was degrading and humiliating. I was even stared down by a man driving by, and the only reason the man picked up his pace was because someone behind him honked.
Street harassment is not uncommon. It happens in communities even as small as mine.
Here are some interesting examples of street harassment in video and article form!
Videos on street harassment and rape culture at large:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phZdnJlfaII&feature=channel_video_title
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2Qpi-fW6jA&feature=channel_video_title
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r478wczldOI&feature=channel_video_title
The excellent Hugo Schwyzer who gets his own category:
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2011/02/02/impressing-other-men/
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2011/07/25/find-out-what-it-means-to-me-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-rodney-atkins-aretha-franklin-and-sexual-justice/#more-4309
A wonderful assortment of information on sex-based discrimination!
http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2011/0418/Street-harassment-of-women-It-s-a-bigger-problem-than-you-think
http://thebeautifulstruggler.com/2011/07/birth-of-a-creep-bw-the-window-sex-project/
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/06/a-rant-about-street-harassment/#comments
http://www.gabbysplayhouse.com/?p=1444
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2011/04/to-daughters-of-angry-emailers.html
Thanks for this, Rebecca. I lived most of my life in pretty safe places, but I’ve experienced everything from the mildly annoying “Hey sexy!” to the enraging “WHORE!” to the fairly terrifying “I’m going to rape you!” I don’t think it’s necessarily that bizarre that many men claim they’ve never seen street harassment. Many perpetrators pick women who are isolated, or do it in such a way that it’s not obvious to others nearby. City streets are loud, busy places and we all walk around absorbed in our own thoughts, so it’s unsurprising that most of us don’t notice these… Read more »
“It’s pretty frustrating to see your own experience dismissed as lies or delusions.” Yes. And it’s downright depressing considering how often, for how long and how casually and sometimes inconspicuously women’s beliefs, opinions, honest expressions of anything are aspersed, denigrated, ridiculed, gaslighted, used as “proof” that women are “wrong” because they don’t conform to the traditional gender-role script of master and slave. What frustrates me is.. yes, of course it would be better for women’s self-esteem, abilities, freedom if they didn’t feel harassed every day or gaslighted into feeling crazy for being harassed and not merely accepting it as their… Read more »
““I’ve never noticed any street harassment, ergo it doesn’t exist!….Seriously, don’t you see how absurd this is?” Its not absurd. First nobody says it doesn’t exist. The claim is that it is incredibly uncommon. Which is totally rational because if it was extremely common we should be observing it everywhere given the fact that it happens in public and catcallers are loud. I live in Toronto. I have never in my life heard a catcall. Ever. And there is plenty of construction going on where I walk to work and plenty of beautiful women. What I observe is exactly the… Read more »
So all the women who say it happens to them all the time, are they imagining it, or just lying in your view. Why can’t you accept what women are saying here at face value? Also, I don’t know about Toronto– maybe Canadians are nicer? I lived in San Francisco in my 20’s. Happened every day, everywhere I went. Most of it was minor, a whistle, a “hey baby” out the window. Annoying but not a big deal. Occasionally it was offensive or scary, like the time a stange guy came up to me on the street and said he’d… Read more »
“my personal experience trumps your lack of personal experience on this subject.”
Your personal experience is just that…your personal experience.
“Happened every day, everywhere I went.”
Really. Every single day. You are either a liar or you were purposefully seeking it out.
I’ve lived in NYC for 9 years, and I’ve spent a great deal of time walking on the street. The number of times I’ve heard someone make a catcall I can count on my fingers.
It just amuses me when guys say, “I’ve never noticed any street harassment, ergo it doesn’t exist!”
Sorry but that’s like me, a white person, saying, “I’ve never heard a white person call a black person the N word! So it never happens!” Or, “I’ve never noticed any racism toward African Americans! Ergo, there is no racism!”. Or how about, “I’ve never been to China, therefore, I think China is a figment of the imagination!”
Seriously, don’t you see how absurd this is?
Thanks a quadrillion, Jill! Yep, simple analogies seem a good way to make potentially foreign topics (like street harassment to men and racism to white people) relatable. Your examples are pretty awesome.
What self-imposed limitations and delusions people create for themselves when they say that their view of the world is THE view of the world. We’re all collections of biases, prejudices, well-intentioned and misguided beliefs, skills, deficiencies, et cetera.
Humility and interest in other people goes a long, long way (towards getting you laid/liked/admired/whatever).
I have rarely ever seen a woman get harassed on the streets, but I saw a lot of guys get jumped by some idiots over nothing. Being a woman is easyyyy.
A lot of times it’s a hand touching or pinching you or an old man staring you down on the train or a young man hissing in your ear as you walk by.
But if you don’t see it, it must not exist.
Why are you reading The Good Men Project, Chris? There’s a big patriarchal world out there that loves and accepts you just the way you misanthropically are.
Staring is not harassment. Despite the best efforts by you militant, man-hating feminists, looking is not a crime. Creepy? sure. Harassment? Not in any definition of the word.
There is such a thing as aggressive staring, which is different than just looking or glancing. If I notice that a guy is kind of looking at me, I might feel awkward or embarrassed, but it doesn’t really offend me or scare me. However, there are guys occasionally who don’t just look but try to make eye contact and stare me down. And yes that is seriously creepy.
People! We’re in this TOGETHER. What kind of person would I be if I were to autocratically discredit an experience I’d never personally felt? A total, defensive tool. I’m so depressed by people who make it their goal to be without empathy or interest in other people’s sources of pain, joy, whatever. What does it do for you to cowardly not defend a fellow human being, a good person, a person trying living their own damn life? Why attack someone who isn’t attacking you? It’s so unjust and blindly hateful, so everything a good man, for example, a noble, courageous… Read more »
There are many men who have no idea how to talk to or approach a woman. Others have very little respect or trust in women. Most of this behavior is either caused by not getting dates due to their own fault to bad advice from various dating experts. All this can bw changed with proper encouragement and training from positive legit experts in dating.
I associate this kind of behavior with deep insecurity and shame about women and sex and manhood. These are not men who are over-confident about their charm with women, but men who are grasping at straws or lashing out. (Like the old Seinfeld routine about this — “here is a man who is OUT OF IDEAS.”) A lot of this happens when men are trying to impress other men nearby. I suspect many of these men doubt their own heterosexuality and are overcompensating. There is a percentage of these men who actually get a sexual thrill out of making women… Read more »
I Agee but I think it’s safe to say that what we refer to as being “Horny” to the point of Body worshiping, Risk taking, Denying Rejection & being oblivious to someones discomfort has some hormonal involvement to it…right!?
Thanks for this, That Guy. You certainly are That (kind of) Guy we need! Well stated.
This is a good point. What do you think they are “lashing out” at? I’d like to hear a guy’s perspective.
“But as Good Men are empathetic and realistic enough to know, inferiority is much more institutionally and socially enforced when you are a woman.”
Total rubbish. Misandry and male bashing is institutionalize and criticism of women is seen as blasphemy.
The topic of “Street Harassment” strikes me as an all out war between Men’s biological imperative to procreate and Women’s biological urges for safety and self preservation.
My heartfelt recommendation to all women is to Nukkle-Up. If you feel uncomfortable carry mase, walk with a friend. Prepare for the confrontation.
I support the use of “Holla Back” cellphone footage in the prosecution of extreme cases of street harassment. Objectively it’s fair to video tape these supposed incidents.
As cold as it sounds Men will not respect anything that won’t Whoop their ass. Please follow suit.
I once lost it and screamed at a group of guys who had been harassing me daily outside of a subway station. The harassment had escalated to the point that one of the guys started following me and tried to look up my skirt as I was walking up the stairs from the station. I started yelling at him and he actually look terrified and ran away. These guys never said a peep to me after that. They stared at me but clealy viewed me as a crazy lady. Which was fine with me. However, I do have to ask… Read more »
The whole “biological imperative to procreate” just doesn’t work for me as a good explanation for everything sexual. Humans engage in and are satisfied by all sorts of sexual activity that has NO chance of resulting in a pregnancy. Humans have evolved a brain (a biological thing) that is capable of inventing birth control and capable of appetite control. Even if, for the sake of argument, men were only motivated by a desire to get random women pregnant, wouldn’t it make more sense to sneak up on women or approach them politely instead of announcing to them that you are… Read more »
I have a very hard time understanding how people like this have sex. Do people want to have sex with this person? “Objectively,” Budmin appears cruel and dull. If you do not like this criticism, Budmin, I recommend that you “nukkle-up!” and “walk with a friend.” This is a pretty good example of a ‘rape culture’ mentality: One that puts the entire responsibility on women to protect themselves while men are encouraged to ignorantly and aggressively chase after them. What about good conversations and good sex? I don’t want to be chased by creepy fools. …I also find it interesting… Read more »
Bravo, bravo! I love Hollaback…while I’d never be one to cross any sort of physical lines, I do think we need to call someone (male or female) out when they make unwanted sexual advances towards others. They need to be held accountable for their actions, and oftentimes, the calling out of the perpetrator (obviously in a mature fashion) is empowering.
I personally don’t mind when a person walks by and is lightly complimentary. I do mind stopping, overt gesturing, whistling and all sorts of demeaning behaviours. We all have different lines, and we all have the right to defend them.
Excellent point! To each his/her own! A world where people can respectfully approach other people is one where men and women COULD feel comfortable openly averring sexual feelings for others.. without fear of violence or humiliation. And we can get there one interaction at a time, people! Build that better world!
It’s a pretty subjective thing and it depends on a man’s upbringing as well as the crowd he associates with. Any man with a moral compass knows that it’s wrong to do things like catcalling but society seems to think it’s just harmless, juvenile fun. I wouldn’t advocate “giving it back” to the catcaller all the time because it may not end well. I don’t envy women as they are almost exclusively the target of unwanted attention but they themselves are taught (or learn on their own) that their femininity can be used to their advantage as well. From a… Read more »
This is a wonderful point, Mr. R! And I think the ultimate recommendation you put forth is correct: Communication. Women and men should TALK (what a thought!) about the ways they’ve been socialized, about the messages that have hurt them and helped them, what they want, what they don’t want, how this speaks to gender injustice on a grand, cultural scale, perhaps… (that sounds like a cathartic conversation to me). Being of the female variety, I know I was fed a whole bundle of confusing, contradictory messages that I had to (and continue to) wade through. I personally found the… Read more »
Culture has a lot to do with this type of behavior. If you are a woman then you will do best to live in a place where people are educated and middle-class. Latin America (certain countries), southern Europe and the Middle East are the worst places for street sexual harassment. I like to look attractive, but I do not feel that this should make men think that I am freely sexually available. In other words, I should not have to wear baggy sweats or a burka to get respect from men. Women should be allowed to celebrate their femininity while… Read more »
As if every woman has this experience daily. Must be in her mind. That is not the experience of the average woman. How do I know? Grew up in NYC. Spent years riding buses and subways, walking the streets of NYC. Then, lived in both DC and LA. Have spent time in Europe, Africa, Australia, and South America. So, I’ve been around all kinds of peopl and situations. I don’t know any woman who finds being female so horrible (just for being female) and I know thousands of women. The women I work closest to enjoy womanhood. My wife loves… Read more »
Eric,
This has nothing to do with being a woman. The key word here here, ‘being’. If we all let each other ‘be’, live without (what might be) harassment, then this article and issue would not exist, right?
Direct your comments to the writer. It was SHE who claims that womanhood is “awful.”. In her 2nd paragraph.
Evidently her life is “awful” but she doesn’t speak for most women who don’t share her irrational view of “womanhood.” I’ve got dozens of females in my family, work with hundreds of others and have hundreds of female friends and know not a single woman who feels her life is awful simply based on being female. This including thousands I’ve known over the years on the streets of NY, LA, DC, Sydney, Brisbane, London, Accra, Monrovia, and about 20 other cities.
What she’s saying is that it feels awful being a woman when your womanhood and your sexuality are twisted around and used against you like a club to make you feel belittled, threatened and humiliated. That’s what catcalls feel like. I am not saying this to beat up on men or claim that all men are bad or that sexual attention from men is awful. But when I was younger, living in a big city, there were men who said some truly awful and offensive things. And even the so called “compliments” (“hey baby you look good! C’mere baby!”) do… Read more »
“I am not saying this to beat up on men or claim that all men are bad”
THAT is precisely what she is implying and doing by her absurd claim that life for all 3 billion women on earth is awful because of men. The vast majority of women don’t have the experiences she describes on any regular basis if ever. I’m not saying that it never happens but most women don’t have that expereince.
By contrast, non-feminists do not share her disdain for males nor feel that womanhood is “awful.”
I don’t see any disdain for men here, I just see anger at the minority of men who engage in street harassment. It happens all the time. To any woman who is young or even moderately attractive. Believe it or not.
And, actually, what I just said isn’t completely accurate. Women who are heavier or not “attractive” also get harassed, often in mean ways.
Where did she say minority? She didn’t. She said that ‘womanhood is awful’ everyday, everywhere because of “men.”
I have never harrassed anyone and don’t endorse or condone it in any shape, form, or fashion – and it’s valid to point out the wrongness of it. However, as is often the case with GMP articles, this is pure misandry. It takes a valid issue caused by a tiny, tiny minority of men and turns it into an excuse to castigate all males.
Hi Eric! Love your work. Just wanted to point out a few things: I am not all female-type individuals. I am one individual. I can only speak for myself. I’m sure many women “enjoy womanhood.” I’d love to hear them talk about it. However, I am wary of putting women on pedestals as much as I worry about shoving them to the ground. Deification and denigration are but two forms of dehumanization. I’m just a not-too-terrible, faulted person born with XX chromosomes. Being heterosexual, I like dudes.. dudes who say “hi” and not “HEY BABY NICE ASS” ’cause that’s dispiriting… Read more »
Rebecca, It is wrong and unfair that you are harassed everyday everywhere. I take you at your word that you are one individual and did not intend to speak for all womankind; however, your statement that “womanhood” is “awful” suggested that this is not just about you personally. Perhaps you did not intend for it to read that way. Aside from a wife, two daughters and four sisters, I speak from the perspective of someone who has volunteered, for quite a few years, for an organization that provides no cost healthcare services to a community of 3.5 million people. Over… Read more »
I really appreciate this, Eric. I spoke too harshly. It’s an emotional issue and we’re both coming from subjective places. On “If feminists took less a female vs male view of things…” I’d like to say that I’ve never found this to be true. The female feminists I know are intelligent, exciting people who are tired of being afraid of men, tired of having to prove that their feelings and thought processes and experiences are as legitimate as those of men. The male feminists I know are truly kind, gentle, interesting people. I believe very, very few feminists “hate” men… Read more »
I can’t say that feminists hate men. I have no idea how they feel in their hearts. I can only listen to their views and positions on issues. Feminists’ view of males (based on their own comments) is consistenly far more negative and critical than non-feminists. The women in my family are happy, all but one are married and not a single one has that negative view of males and the female experience that feminists do. The women I work with don’t share that negative view of males and the experience of being female that feminists do. All of these… Read more »
Thank you touching upon this, Jill! One thing that’s so creepy about street harassment (besides the general disempowerment and resentfulness it evokes… and the disservice it does to cool dudes with good manners) is that it makes it more difficult for me to express my OWN sexuality, know that it’s organically mine and feel comfortable and safe enough to know I won’t be penalized for being sexual (Of course, this isn’t merely caused by street harassment alone but the sex-negative world at large… that engenders and congratulates ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘women better shut up and take it’-style street… Read more »
What an ignorant comment. How would you know? It happens to me daily. And people shouldn’t have to move in order to escape harassment.
It’s ignorant to claim that your experience is every woman’s experience.
Ask the woman in *your* life about when they’ve been street harassed (and it will be “when” NOT “if”). Ask them how young they were when they first got street harassed, and ask them the worst thing that’s ever been said/ done to them. I think you’ll be surprised at the world the women you love live in. I think you’ll be surprised by how different the world is from yours. In addition, when I read comments like yours about issues like these it reminds me of my old, white Southern relatives who say things like “Well, I treat Black… Read more »
Liz, you’re so much more effective than I am at limning this issue. I’m very appreciative of your comments.
Thanks. I loved this piece and loved your use of humor. Humor helps me deal with street harassment in a way that reminds me that I’m human. I thought I was the only one who had resorted to “acting crazy” to deal with this. Because crazy is what it is. How crazy is it for a random stranger to yell at another random stranger just walking down the street? If that happens to any other group of people, i.e. people of color, people with disabilities, it’s seen for what it is — harassment. it’s crazy that people still think it’s… Read more »
Yeah. Being called “crazy” is an easy/time-worn way to discredit people (especially female people with their pesky inability to be normal Everymen). I think it’s OK to be bitter. It’s embittering to be constantly teased by idiots who call you “crazy” when you react to being teased by not cowering, crying and saying “Yes, you are right. I am crazy. Silly me.” It’s wonderful that you stood up for yourself like that. I wish more people would stand up for us too. It’d be really helpful to have allies. Male allies. Genderqueer allies! Allies repulsed by injustice wherever they see… Read more »
I have been both abused and harassed by women but I don’t allow that to define my life as awful, as unfair as it was. It still makes me angry when I think about it but I don’t allow it to cause me to view women with suspicion and resentment simply because as a man, had I defended myself I would have gotten arrested and lived with a criminal record for the rest of my life, something that would not have happened to a woman in the same situation. Speaking of priviledged and double-standards. You will never understand what it… Read more »
I don’t believe that your wife has never been harassed. I simply do not believe that. If she’s a woman she’s been harassed because of it. Also I don’t begin to know what it’s like to be a black male, any more than you know what it’s like to be a woman in the world. This column is about ONE woman talking about how the street harassment she deals with feels. Her experience in the world is valid. And it’s the experience of many women, such as myself. The fact that women get the short end of the stick in… Read more »
These comments, I tell you! You know, I think that both Liz and Eric M. made some very honorable points here… True, Eric, being abused by women will make you wary and distrustful of women (as it has–reversing the genders–for me). It’s a shame and if it matters, I’m very sorry. It’s brave to weather abuse by one group and still… have room in your heart for them and see that not all members are like them. I can’t but respect that. I disagree with many things you’ve said, but you’re expressing vulnerabilities and honest experiences that have shaped you.… Read more »
You don’t know the life experiences of 3 billion people you’ve never met. You don’t. To think you know the life experiences of a stranger you’ve never met or spoken to better than she herself is simply not rational. To accuse a man of being a harrasser simply because he’s black is just plain wrong.
I don’t think you’ve harassed because you’re black, but because of the vehemence of your response on this topic.
Your thirds sentence is valid. I ask you to apply the same rational logic when informing the author of this column, a person you’ve never met, that her experience with street harassment “must be in her head” and that you know she hates all men. Fair?
Lastly, this is one of my other favorite articles on street harassment, written by a man.
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mind-of-man-in-defense-of-catcalls/
“I don’t think you’ve harassed because you’re black, but because of the vehemence of your response on this topic.” So, vehemence makes one a harrasser in your book? Then, that makes you a harrasser since you are far more vehement than me, making blanket statements about billions of women and men you’ve never met. I’m not accusing you, just applying your own logic. “must be in her head” I said that in response to Rebecca’s comment suggesting that all women have her same experience on a daily basis, which is clearly not true. She later explaind that she was not… Read more »
I’ll clarify: You’re vehemence in claiming that street harassment does not happen to most women, doesn’t happen a lot, must be in the author’s head, that a woman speaking out against street harassment must hate all men, etc., — which are all blanket statements are they not?
I’ve made the points I want to make. I’m not interested in trying to “win” an argument with you. That’s not what this is about.
Liz, claiming someone said something they didn’t say and arguing against THAT is called a strawman, which is what you have just done. I have no problem in having an honest debate but misquoting someone is not honest and in this case is easily disproved by reading what I wrote.
I don’t think you realize how hypocritical you’re being, Eric M.
“You don’t know the life experiences of 3 billion people you’ve never met. You don’t.”
True.
And you don’t know the life experience of however many women you’ve never been. Yes. You must follow your own logic.
I am/have followed my logic. I DON’T know the life experience of every woman on the planet, true. I never claimed to, as Liz continues to insist that she does. However, (despite Liz’ claim otherwise) I know that not every woman has your experience daily and not every woman has been harrassed on the street. I know this because I know lots of women and know a lot about thier lives. To state the obvious: there are some places where people are harrassed every day and other places where people are never harrassed. Some people frequent places where people are… Read more »
Eric, some hard facts representing that the majority of women experience some form of street harassment: http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/resources/statistics/sshstudies/ http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2011/0418/Street-harassment-of-women-It-s-a-bigger-problem-than-you-think As for staying away from places where people are harassed….Do you think you should just have to stay away from places where black people get harassed a lot ?Or do you think it’s fundamentally wrong that harassment of a black person should happen anywhere in our society? I think it’s wrong. I know harassment of people of color still happens (I’ve seen some pretty foul examples of it growing up in the South) and it’s always wrong. A person of color should… Read more »
Liz, you are basing your argument on an online survey of 800 out of 3 billion people?
I am not arguing in favor of harrassment but you don’t know how many women or men are harrassed nor have you been in city, country, town, and village on earth to ask all 3 billion women. As bad as catcalling is for those who are victims, there are bigger issues, like actual physical violence and murder.
I think you’re more interested in nit-picking others’ expression than having an honest debate about the larger issue of street harassment and it effects on women.
Pointing out when someone has lied about what I said is not “nit-picking”; it’s pointing out those lies. Big difference.
Yeah, if I am falsely accused, I will raise that as an issue.
Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
This is a great article by a Good Men editor on sexual harassment as experienced by men:
https://goodmenproject.com/newsroom/men-cant-deal-with-sexual-harassment/
“Men are so accustomed to not being vigilant and on guard against harassment, assault, and rape that we’re often blind to the ceaseless precautions women take. Our reaction to harassment is often one of indignation, as though men, by nature, are supposed to be exempt.”
“… our support of victims needs to be gender-blind. Fighting rape culture means refusing to diminish victims’ experiences because of their frequency or their perceived abnormality.”
This IS the experience of most women. Most of us, here in the U.S. anyway, don’t live in cities where we walk or take public transport every day — which increases the likelihood of harassment, but MOST OF US GET HARASSED LIKE THIS TO SOME DEGREE. This column puts how I feel when it happens to me into words better than any I’ve read before. I love being a woman. Love it. I f-ing hate the way that I get treated for being one and wanting to walk down the damn street. If you don’t believe the majority of women… Read more »
Hear, hear.
Really? Your suggestion is to “move to a better neighborhood?” You realize harassment happens everywhere regardless of neighborhood, right? For example, I was in Brooklyn Heights on Montague and Court and some man creepily said “mmm nice legs, yeah I like that” & “mm baby” and when I didn’t respond to this he got angry and started following me and said “oh, you think you’re better than me?” and then mumbled something about me being a bitch. Yes, move to a better neighborhood. That’ll solve everything.