Mispronouncing and misusing words is something we all do when communicating, but I think I do it more than most and in multiple languages!
In the spirit of my previous blog titled “We all have holes in our education,” I want to confess to malpropping and mispronouncing words with the hope that you will feel better about your own errors in spoken communication.
And perhaps you will have a laugh and speak betterly as a result of learning from my failures.
Malapropping can be very amusing. It is a tool in the sitcom and comedy writers toolbox that almost always works when a laugh is needed.
Stand-up comedian Norm Crosby made a career out of saying things like “I resemble that remark” as a response to an insult and “He treats them with such tenderness and affliction” in his act and during appearances on variety shows like The Dean Martin Show.
The delightful Mr. Crosby passed away at the age of 93 in November 2020, a few days after the election. Unfortunately, his passing may have gone unnoticed by many fans as they were probably calibrating, I mean, celebrating the re-election defeat of the criminal-in-chief.
A woman next to a colorful drawing of a hamburger is signing “hamburger” in ASL.
Unfortunately, most of the time when I malaprop, it isn’t intentional. I’m almost proud that I can misspeak in at least two languages. Obviously, it easy to malaprop in a language you’re not fluent in.
Screenshot from YouTube video.
In addition to malapropping English, I also do it in American Sign Language. In my book Deaf Daughter, Hearing Father, I wrote about how I would confuse the hell out of my young-at-the-time daughter by signing to her: “It was time to go to hamburger.”
A young woman with long, straight red hair is signing in ASL “school.”
Of course, to this day, I often use the wrong sign when chatting with my now-adult daughter via FaceTime or in person. Usually, she is amused by my errors. It’s just like when you malaprop by saying a word that sounds a bit like the correct word, I malaprop in ASL by using a sign that looks similar to the correct sign. Note: see the similarity of the sign for hamburger versus the sign for school.
Screenshot from a YouTube video.
Though unintentionally malapropping is something I do more often than I want, I feel like I often mispronounce words when I am speaking for any length of time.
Most of the time whomever I’m conversing with doesn’t call me out on it because they don’t want to be seen as a jerk — especially if it’s within a larger group. But honestly, I wish they would so I could learn, correct, and use my patented comeback: “We all have holes in our education, jerkface.”
Speaking of jerks, let me tell you about the time when I lost my beautiful college sweetheart Barbara for good. We were in the middle of a heated discussion — perhaps it was an argument. It doesn’t matter what it was about, but she was so “fustrated” with me or a situation.
When I interrupted her and said, “Why do you say FUStrated instead of FRUStrated?” Barbara really lost it then. It was really over between us after that. I don’t think she ever forgave me— and I don’t blame her. It was one royal-dumbass-jerk move — and holy hypocritical, too.
My most embarrassing malaprop and mispronunciation moments
When I was in my middle-30s, I supervised the shipping and receiving team for a non-profit. At the time, Jennifer, the director of the department’s daughter, was a college student who was interning with us. I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about but it may have been about tying up a package and I said, “Make sure the rope is taunt.”
Jennifer laughed and then said, “So you want me to tease the rope?”
I said seriously, “No, make it taunt.”
Jennifer laughed again and then said in a very snotty sorority girl way, “I think you mean taut.” She was so bemused by this exchange that she went home that night and told my boss’s boss all about it. Another example of why nepotism sucks.
Another time I embarrassed myself, was with my in-laws. Something that you don’t want to do — even if you have nice in-laws like I had. Again, I don’t know what we were talking about, but I used the word “paradigm” in a sentence. I said to my mother-in-law Barbara (not my college sweetheart) and my brother-in-law Tom, “That’s a para-dee-um shift!” They both looked confused. Then Barbara said ever so kindly, “I think that’s pronounced para-dime.” (At least, I didn’t say para-dig-um.)
Other words that I’ve mispronounced
Other words that I’ve mispronounced in front of groups include words like stipend. It’s pronounced st-eye-pend. I pronounced it stip-end. Once I pronounced the word “quay” at a play reading as “kay.” Immediately, a bunch of senior citizens corrected me. “It’s pronounced key!”
I responded, “O-key! Thank you.”
My pet peeve: Jealousy vs. Envy
I hope by confessing to my frequent misspeaking that it will help you feel better about your own misadventures in English. It’s not an easy language. Perhaps, I can make a personal request without sounding like too much of a jerkface: Could everyone stop saying “jealous” when they mean “envious”?
I’m not jealous when you win an award, make more money than I do, or kiss your hot girlfriend. I’m envious. I’d be jealous if you hit on my award-winning, obscenely wealthy, bodacious wife — if I had one.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Miguel Henriques via unsplash.com