On Monday, Annie Lowery of Slate wrote about a recent survey conducted by economists from Duke and Boston College on the science of high-school dating. Lowery said the study “confirms every suspicion you ever had about high-school dating.” And she’s right.
Guys want to have sex. Girls don’t. Senior guys date younger girls, while freshmen guys and seniors girls get screwed.
But the report only deals with the unisex high-school experience. What about the all-boys Catholic high schools? This survey isn’t helping any of those guys. Sure there are some similarities between unisex and all-boys schools—mainly, that wearing one of those one-strap backpacks is never cool—but most of it is totally different.
I would know. I was there. And from 2002 to 2006, I conducted my own “study” of all-boys Catholic high schools. Things may have changed over the past four years, but after following up with my brothers—current high-school seniors—my results were verified.
So, without further ado, I present to you the Eight Scientific Facts of Attending an All-Boys Catholic High School:
1. The louder you fart, the cooler you are.
2. The price of your wardrobe is inversely proportional to your popularity.
3. Glee Club actually isn’t that gay.
4. Hair maintenance is not an option. Ever.
5. No one actually knows who the starting quarterback is.
6. Chess club is the least nerdy club you can join.
7. If you don’t shower with your classmates, you’re weird.
8. The number of girls you—wait, who am I kidding?