Dear Wes –
I am big fan of yours, and not just because I “discovered” you in fantasy football before anybody else in my league. I appreciate how you, as one of the smaller players on the field, fearlessly run your pass routes in the face of “getting squished by the bigger boys,” as my Mom would say.
Fearless. That’s what comes to mind when I think of #83 for the New England Patriots.
That is, until I heard that you underwent a hair transplant.
According to the Boston Globe, Welker had a five-hour hair procedure done after his wedding in Aspen, Colo.
Now I think the Ws in your initials stand for “Wuss.” Get a grip, guy! (And that’s not a thinly veiled reference to your dropping the pass that would have clinched the Super Bowl for the Patriots. I vociferously defended you after the ball fell to the turf, saying it was Tom Brady’s fault for throwing such a horrible pass.)
It. Is. OK. To. Be. Follicularly. Challenged.
First of all, you play professional football in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans and make a million dollars; why the fuck are you so worried about your damn hair? Pale, bald writers… those dudes need to be more concerned about what’s happening, er, not happening atop their coconuts.
Secondly, you got a hair transplant after you got married? That seems to be the tonsorial equivalent of calling a cab while the cop gives you a Breathalyzer. I mean, wouldn’t it have been smarter to do the transplant way earlier, so that in your wedding photo – the most important picture you’ll ever take – you looked your best? Now your kids will forever be asking, “Daddy, why didn’t you grow out your nearly-human-like hair for the wedding?” Also, you did married guys across America no favors: many men get hitched just so they can stop caring about how they look! Now, wives will be holding you up as the poster boy for post-marriage improvements. Way to be a team guy, Wes.
Thirdly, your hair transplant calls to mind Bill Maher’s joke after Bill Clinton got caught with Monica Lewinsky: “He’s the most powerful man in the world… if he can’t get a decent piece of ass, what hope do the rest of us have?!” Wes Welker is an NFL All-Pro, if he can’t handle being bald…
Alopecia ain’t a disease, dude. (Well, according to Wikipedia it is, but you know what I mean.)
Unfortunately, not all Baldies are lucky enough to have Michael Jordan’s perfectly shaped dome. I’m holding out on shaving my head – insert: “You don’t already shave your head?” joke, here – simply because I know my scalp is dented like I sat outside during a hail storm. But I’ll be shaving it soon enough.
Listen, I feel your pain, brother. Would I prefer to have a mop like Johnny Depp or your QB Tom Brady? Sure. Hell, when I met Jake Gyllenhaal for the first time – @Humblebrag alert – he had just finished shooting THE PRINCE OF PERSIA and he was still rocking that crazy long, flowing hair. It was all I could do to keep from suddenly pointing behind him and yelling, “Hey, check that out!” so that when he turned around to look I could lightly run my fingers across that mane. So, I get it, OK? But bald guys like us need to be cool with what we’ve got.
Just like ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt! There’s a guy who owned his baldness. And he’s on TV more than LAW & ORDER re-runs, practically. And, yes, #83, I realize that you are on television often, too. But, pssst, 99% of your air time is spent with your head hidden in a helmet.
And you’re not even thinking of the enviable upsides to being bare on top:
1) You never get that awkward static thing when you take off your wool hat in winter;
2) Getting ready to “go out” takes only as long as it takes you to get dressed!
Wes, you are a man. Not a Chia Pet.
Hairless in Hollywood,