Once upon a time, a long time ago I lived in Malaga, Andalucia, Espana! It was a very vibrant city. I registered with a local agency and they provided me with work. One friday they called and asked if I could do a couple of hours, “…tomorrow afternoon?”
I said, “Okay, what’s the job?”
“Working with animals or something?”
I agreed and they promised to send a car to collect me. Next day the car arrived and off we sped into the heart of the city to the Praza del Toro. “Hello,” I thought, and in we went. They led me to a dressing-room and showed me my outfit! A sparkly-diamante suit in sunburst-red! The penny dropped and I protested that I was no bull-fighter and they called the agency who threatened me with breach of contract! Fuck ’em! So I slid into my death-suit and slipped on my little, black pumps that I will die in and they tell me that the fight is going to be televised then they give my hat and I stick it on my head like Admiral Nelson, then they tell me that I must wear it side-ways so now I look like Napoleon fucking Bonaparte, and I say, “There is no way I am going to be seen being gored to death live on telly looking like Napoleon fucking Bonaparte but the trumpets blare out, the door opens and I’m on. I step into the light and the heat and the noise and I’m pissed about the hat-thing so I throw it over my shoulder and joy! it lands over the bulls face just as he thunders by at a thousand miles and hour. That was close…who let him out, or more practically, who the let him in??!!
Anyway, he flicks my hat off his face, spies me and charges again. Fuck!! But I compose myself and I remember some of the moves I’d seen on the telly in Torremolinos whilst on the piss. Well! Really just a Paso Doble, which I know because my Mam taught me how to dance when I was a kid. So I execute a few moves and it’s easy-the crowd love it!! I throw in a couple of rugby, body-swerves and the crowd go wild! And then he nicks me, scraped along my ribs!! “OW!! Son of a bitch!!” So now he has my blood dripping off his right horn. “Right! Mother-Fucker!!Come on!! You like to butt things?” And I manouvere myself so I’m standing inches in front of a concrete pillar and in here thunders, straight through the flag and into the afore-mentioned pillar!! ” Har! Har!” Of course the bastard has nearly knocked himself and so it is easy to saunter up and slide my sword into his heart, stopping him dead at my feet. Well the crowd went wild and I was feted! I was a hero! Then they cut off the ears, tail and balls and presented them to me! High praise indeed!! After, they asked me to come back next week, even offered me a regular spot but I declined. I think one tail, two ears and a scrotum nailed to the living-room wall is enough, don’t you?
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Photo courtesy of the author.